You Are A Pimp (pt. 1)
[Welcome to Love Orgy Online.]
I read the words with a surge of discontent welling in my heart. Motherfucker. What do you mean, "Online"?! I'm in a goddamn multiplayer now? What's next, loot boxes?
You can't turn an Otome Game into an effing MMORPG. The sixth game was good enough, why the hell is it online now? What is this shit? No, seriously, who funded this? It was the porn industry, wasn't it? A name like Love Orgy, if it becomes an online multiplayer it can only become an eroge.
Fine, forget that a moment.
What's up with my status screen?
[Name: Damien Claybrook (Okeanos) (Christian Cockswell) (???) (???)
Level: 99
Class: ???
Job: Chef
Strength: 2,000 Stamina: 1,800
Agility: 1,800 Intelligence: 2,000
Dexterity: 50,000 Persistence: 100,000
Dignity: 20,000 Indomitable: 100,000
Charm: SSS+ Courage: 5 ~ 100,000,000
Demonic power: 100,000 ~ 500,000,000,000 (sealed) Divine power: 30,000 ~500,000,000,000 (sealed)
Stat points: 297
Race: ???
Title:
Title: Star of Calamity
*You cause ruin and chaos wherever you go.
Title: Big Bro Has Drugs
*You own copious amounts of drugs
Title: Weed Warrior
*The incredible powers of all psychedelic herbs are at your command. When taken into your body, they imbue you with all the powers of a stonie.
*Gain 20 temporary stat points upon getting high
*Stat points can be used to upgrade any stat but your stats will return to their original value once you lose your high
Title: Plant Lover
*Affinity with all plant-type creatures rises at an exceptional pace
Title: Sister Fister
*You had sexual relations with your own sister(s)
*Affinity with all your sisters rise at an exceptional pace.
*Proceed with caution
Title: Mother Fucker
*You had sexual relations with either someone else's or your own mother
*Affinity with all mothers rise at an exceptional pace
*Proceed with caution
Title: Daughter Diddler
*You had sexual relations with your own daughter(s)
*Affinity with all your daughters rise at an exceptional pace
*Proceed with caution
Title: Loved by the Divine
*Max affinity with all female Divine entities
Title: Touched by Death
*You have known Death's loving embrace--figuratively and literally.
*Your experiences wandering the Great Under along with Death's favor have given you unique perspective and abilities.
*You have discovered the weakness at the core of necromancy and have overcome them. All necromantic abilities will display their full potential when wielded.
Title: Lifebringer
*Your body is the wellspring of life, and your soul carries true Divine majesty.
*Giving your blood to living organisms promotes great healing, and perhaps also great change
*Works in tandem with Touched by Death. Using your blood in the creation of Undead will restore their bodies to peak condition.
Title: Soulbroken
*Your soul has been irreparably broken but it's nature does not allow it to be destroyed.
*Works in tandem with Touched by Death and Lifebringer. Imbue an undead with a piece of your soul to awaken it's intelligence.
Title: God of Fertility (sealed)
*Your stamina during sexual activities is inexhaustible (sealed).
*+50 affinity with all females (sealed)
Title: Heir to the Asmodian Empire
*You possess a very pure incubus bloodline
*Your stamina during sexual activities is inexhaustible
Title: God of Power (sealed)
*You strength grows during battle (sealed)
Title: Crown Prince of the Dragon race
*You possess a very pure Dragon bloodline
*Your potential is stimulated in battle. You learn all combat-related abilities with ease
Title: The Progenitor
*You have helped create many of the most powerful races in Creation.
Achievements:
You Get A Green Hat, and YOU Get a Green Hat, Everyone Gets a Green Hat--Cucked 10,000 men or more.
*-10,000 affinity with all males.
The Most Pure Man In The World--Taken the virginity of 10,000 women or more.
* +50 affinity with all women
Pedobear's Strongest Disciple--Gained the affection of 10,000 or more young girls.
Your love for lolies borders the criminal. But damn you if they don't love it.
*+50 affinity with all young girls.]
First things first. Those stats are too long. Can't they be more Dark Souls-y? It's just messy right now and I ain't gonna remember them at all. And just look at the Charm stat. I expected it, but it's a completely different system of measurement compared to the rest. Who's coming up with this mess of a status screen? You had one job!
Also, holy molly that is one long list of titles! The effects are terrible though. Why is it I get -10,000 affinity from men on one, but fucking the same number of women only gets me +50? How high does the affinity even go? What's the max, if I can be in the negatives up to 10,000?
Second, screw you! My love for lolies is absolutely healthy. Cunt.
Ignoring a whole of the other stuff for now….the fuck? Two of those titles are complete bullshit. I would never touch any of my precious daughters. I also certainly won't fuck my own sister, dammit! And those achievements….
I have no words. None.
Look, I've at least, if nothing else, got more feats than that, okay? And obviously these are counting feats from other lives too, so why are only a few of them showing up? That's not all I am, alright?!
As for that progenitor one, well well well. Past me was busy, wasn't he? I wonder how many races carry my past self's blood. Wouldn't it be a trip if, like, I was my own however-many greats grand-father from two sides?
A new screen popped up as I chuckled at the thought.
[Would you like to choose a class?]
Oh? Hells yeah. Hook me up, babe.
[Class options: Idol Manager.]
Unsure, I tried to scroll up. Down. To the side.
...Oi. What's the wise idea, bub? Idol manager? There aren't even any idols in this world. What would I do even if I found one? And how would that class even be useful at all?
[Please choose your class]
The system prompted.
"There's only one option!" I shouted in my mind.
An instant reply.
[Correct]
...How the hell am I the one being given this kinda shitty class? The hell is an idol manager going to do anyway?
[Please choose your class]
I'm truly unwilling! Come on, beautiful, gimme something to work with here!
[Failure to choose your class with result in a randomized selection.]
Fine. Do it, bitch. See if I care. I'm not choosing such a crap-tier class. At least this way I might get something better than a damn--.
[Randomization complete. Class: Pimp ]
"..."
I changed my mind. Let me choose.
[You are a Pimp]
No, no, it's alright. I'll be good. Come on, let me go again.
[You are a Pimp]
Is this about that bitch comment? Look, I'm sorry. Babe, please, gimme another chance!
[You are a PImp]
Oh go suck big hairy turtle eggs! Just work with me here! Don't be such an uppity little bitch! I demand a fucking redo! There has to be a better class for me than a motherfucking Pimp!
[....Requesting permission to assign player 'Damien Claybrook' an optimized class]
Optimized class? Holy shit. Does that mean Imma get a class specifically suited to me or something? Awesome! Honestly, I can't believe that worked. See, it just goes to show that you gotta be firm with your system.
[Permission granted]
Nice.
[Analyzing….Analysis complete. Results show that your optimized class is, in fact, a Pimp]
"$#@%&!" I flipped over the nearest table while everyone around me stared at the two strange women with tension. My sudden violent reaction startled them and caused them all to throw me a few looks, which I ignored.
"What's that supposed to mean then?!" I silently raged.
[You are a Pimp]
...Ah, whatever. Screw it. Anyway we should probably address what I'm going to do about the two crazy(hot) women trying to kidnap, and then ride, my disco sti--
[WARNING] The system put up a red screen with large words. [A powerful unknown force has taken notice of you. Prepare for Realm Transfer]
Realm what now?