So, I was reading your novel. I was really enjoying it, but I understood there was mistakes that I would love to get fixed. Not as in, like, I'm mad about it. It's just like, I would love to share and, like, show you the polished version of what you could be. And I would just love that and help you out, because you are not bad. Like, you're really good and you understand what to do. Such as, you have a good plot. You have good characters. Kinda. Could use a little work there, but it's like, it's like decent to good. It's really good. You have... And that's what I really just understood in four chapters.
What I feel like you could improve on, though, is your pacing. Like, there's some moments that is extremely good, and then the next moment is just terrible. Like, straight up. Your grammar. I understand if you're running on a phone or a computer, you might not have the time to use grammar, but it's free and it's a good use of that. And it shows you your mistakes in grammar. Here, if you don't have grammar, I'll just show you, I'll just tell you, I'll show you one of the mistakes with your grammar. I'll just explain it. He, when you were trying to say he's, or she, when you were trying to say she's. Another one is when I becaming. That's when I've noticed you kinda do, like you've done it for two chapters. I becaming, it should be I becoming, but it's just a one word difference, but like, it sounds so much different. And here's another one I've understood. You don't really care, in my opinion, slash like, want to like, go better, like, become better. Not better, but explain more, because right here, this could use work, like both of these paragraphs. That entire, I'm not reading it, but that entire paragraph could use a little work and like,
Polish.
And here's another paragraph that could've been polished and like, more descriptive than it could've been. Here's a different version that I would feel like is the same thing, but not really. This does not have relevance to your story, I'm just letting you know. Kaito, he's just messing with you. A nearby man said, walking down the hall. Kaito glanced over his shoulder to glare at the guy. The man had short black hair and blue eyes like many of the others that walked through the halls. He was also wearing a similar dark grey jumpsuit.
So your pacing could use some work. Here’s a good example of where your pacing could need work.
I should become more vigilant. The zoning now is becoming annoying, he thought to himself as he continued to complain. Also, there’s a grammar mistake: “He think to himself.” I fixed it, but uh yeah. Here’s what you should have done, and just—this is just my understanding of what could have been great. It could have been more polished.
Thoughts, talking, skill, or user system—there will be an example of what this is and how you could use it. There will be one below.
Thoughts: “…”
Talking: ‘….’
Skill use or system: […]
“I should become more vigilant. The zoning now is becoming annoying.”
“As fighting is knowing where your opponent is at all times.”
The moment the words came out of his mouth, his mother came into the room, asking if if he was ready to go.
“Hey mom, I’m getting there. Just give me a second.”
“Fine.”
As I responded, she was getting in the car, warming it up as it was currently winter and it was 12 degrees outside.
“So how's school”.
“It’s okay. The girls are driving me crazy. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“Maybe you should try a little harder to get their attention.”
Here’s the example. Here’s another like really good piece of advice. Instead of trying to like tell it, try to show it. So for example, instead of saying:
“I was excited to go to this place” or “I was excited about this opportunity”—something like that—where your character is excited about something, show it
My heart was beating faster than ever ever my breath taking in air faster than I can keep process. The only thing that was on my mind .…..
