webnovel
SeraphWedd
SeraphWeddLv141yr
2023-04-24 12:45

Okay, first. I loved the premise and the setting, I also like the author's approach in storytelling. However, the grammar... Please fix it. There's many free grammar checkers online. Try Quillbot, a browser based grammar checker, for example and copy-paste your chapters there to check for some errors before fixing everything and copy-pasting it back to inkstone. Anyways, I felt that this story is a perfect example of a diamond in the rough. Just a bit more polishing, and I know that it will shine brightly. Sorry for the low ratings, but I don't want to lie to you and myself. Cheers.

Liked by 3 people

LIKE
Replies3
Paul_Okito
Paul_OkitoAuthor

I gladly appreciate your review, I will work on my grammars, sorry for the stress you had to go through reading it. Actually, I used numerous proof readers and corrected most of my errors, but they seem to be less helpful. Since the mistakes are obvious, I would try my best to correct them.

SeraphWedd
SeraphWeddLv14

If you want, you can try DM your chapter to me, and I'll fix it without changing your tone. I'm a bit bored rn anyways. Just to help you with what and how to fix 👍

Paul_Okito:I gladly appreciate your review, I will work on my grammars, sorry for the stress you had to go through reading it. Actually, I used numerous proof readers and corrected most of my errors, but they seem to be less helpful. Since the mistakes are obvious, I would try my best to correct them.
Paul_Okito
Paul_OkitoAuthor

Thanks a lot

SeraphWedd:If you want, you can try DM your chapter to me, and I'll fix it without changing your tone. I'm a bit bored rn anyways. Just to help you with what and how to fix 👍
Other Reviews
Malakai_Darkstar
Malakai_DarkstarLv1

The Nascent Bloodline is a story set in a world where humans with extraordinary abilities, called the Nascent Bloodline, coexist with the Paranormal humans. The story begins by setting up the history of the world, explaining the origin of the Nascent Bloodline, and their eventual decline. The narrative then moves forward 100,000 years later to focus on a young boy named Egon. The first chapter does an excellent job of establishing the world and its history. The concept of humans with incredible powers living among others is a well-explored theme in the fantasy genre, but the author manages to put a unique spin on it by focusing on the Nascent Bloodline as a dwindling race. The story of Tragon, the last Nascent Bloodline survivor, and his heroic deeds is gripping and adds depth to the world. In the second chapter, the story shifts to a new era called the "Infinity Era," where technology has progressed significantly, and humans have gained knowledge from an unknown species. The introduction of Egon and his mother adds a layer of mystery and intrigue to the story, and the sudden attack by mysterious creatures raises the stakes for the characters. The author's writing style is engaging, and the pacing of the story is well-balanced between world-building and action. However, there are a few areas where the narrative could be improved. For example: Show, don't tell: The story relies heavily on telling rather than showing. To improve the narrative, focus on showing the characters' actions, emotions, and surroundings through descriptive language and immersive details, rather than simply stating facts and events. This will create a more engaging and vivid reading experience. Pacing: The pacing of the story could be improved. The transition between scenes and the introduction of new characters feel rushed. Consider slowing down the pacing and providing more context to each scene, so the reader can better understand and engage with the story. Overall, The Nascent Bloodline is a promising start to a fascinating fantasy story.

Dehni_Olsen
Dehni_OlsenLv14

Synopsis: I appreciate the author’s Synopsis. It explains, with ease, what COULD be a very confusing world. Their grammar and spelling are great. It was a bit confusing when it began talking about Egon, but all in all, I feel it’s a good blerb. Please know that I only review up to chapter 5. Writing Quality: The author does a great job. This author has great potential. There were several moments that were confusing. Whether due to mistype/grammar or sentence structure. Please see below examples: This example shows how the author separates sentences and paragraphs that need to be connected. – “"Mom, where are you," he whimpered,” “perceiving the danger around him but not knowing what to do.” This example shows a couple of things. First, it’s confusing to say that it “scattered”. Did the author mean shattered the wall? Secondly, the second sentence ends with a comma and very little description of how the creature became unconscious. – “The creature was coming with full force so it scattered the wall at the end of the hallway. Then it became unconscious,” However, the author has so much potential. I thoroughly enjoyed their descriptions and mannerisms of his characters. They were very well thought out. Please see the below example: "Don't worry. I'll meet up with you," his mom reassured him, but her voice trembled with fear. She looked back over her shoulder as she spoke, as if she was afraid of something or someone pursuing them.” For this section, even WITH the grammar/mistypes, I’m giving this section 4 stars. I feel like there is enough greatness in their writing that the mistakes can be overlooked. Story Development: It’s unfortunate that the beginning of the book is hidden in the AUX chapters. However, I know how difficult WebNovel can be regarding changing or adding chapters. So this is something that I will overlook when reviewing. The story is developing great. I feel like it started off with a moment that pulled the reader in. I became fully attached to the world almost immediately. I don’t normally read level based novels and I find myself enjoying this one. Please see these great examples of the authors writing style: “One evening, as twilight painted the sky in hues of amber and gold, Egon sat in his room, his mind still clinging to the shadows of his past.” “Sudden and bewildering, a swirling portal materialized on the roadside, carrying Egon to an unknown destination. As he emerged from the portal, his body collided with the ground, pain shooting through his limbs like electric currents. Gasping, he fought against the ache, summoning his strength to rise to his feet.” “The creature bolted out of the shadows with lightning speed, its sinewy muscles rippled beneath its dark, scaly skin. It bore a striking resemblance to a giant, feral dog, but its eyes glinted with an otherworldly intelligence that made Egon’s blood run cold.” This section will receive a 5 star. Character Design: Sadly, I find that this section is lacking in certain aspects. I’m into chapter 3 and yet I still do not know what Egon looks like. I don’t even know how old he is until chapter 4. However, I AM connected to him. The author did phenomenally in making his character feel very alive for me. I just wish I knew what he looked like. This section receives a 4 star. World Background: The author did great in this section as well. Along with how they created their characters, the world and the worlds creatures are very well described. This world is easy to envision. This section will receive 5 stars.

Related Stories

Ashes Of Deep Sea

Duncan Abnomar was transmigrated to a magical world. Most of the lands of the world had sunken, and the surviving humans could only live on islands. Due to an unknown reason, the world was also contaminated and strange phenomena and things would randomly appear. Humans had developed steam gear technology, and the islands were connected through boats. They survived by studying strange phenomena that happened all around the world. However, as the captain of a scary-looking ghost ship, Duncan was facing a huge challenge. "How the heck do I steer this ship?" Highly recommended by experienced editor: MC is transmigrated to a world mostly covered in water and far from civilization. He becomes the captain of the ghost ship, the 'Homeloss'. He steers through the fog and adventures through the broken world and the unknown deep sea. As he discovers the ruins of abandoned civilization, he would also stumble into the war between the strange phenomena and the devil gods. The story takes place in a combination of ocean and Chutly mythology world, a new and interesting background. It’s an attractive story to read due to the author’s sense of humor and mastery over the ambiance of the story. --------------- Another-style introduction: "On that day, a thick fog engulfed everything. On that day, he became the captain of a ghost ship. On that day, he crossed the dense fog and faced a completely overturned and shattered world – the former order was completely gone, and peculiar phenomena dominated the endless seas beyond civilized society. The island city-states and the fleets challenging the sea have become the only lights of civilization left, while the shadows of old days still lurk in the deep sea, waiting to devour this dying world again. But for the new captain, there's only one pressing question – Does anyone know how to sail this damn ship?!"

Yuan Tong · Sci-fi
4.2
856 Chs

Getting A System In A Modern World

[WSA 2024 Entry] Please Support. _________ Silas, as a normal hot-blooded youth with big dreams and huge ambition, wanted to see the world, experience what it has to offer while living his dream life. But when has life ever gone according to plan? when has it ever been fair to anyone? Silas was hit with a reality check after graduating, if school was hard, society is harder. For two years he worked but nothing seems to be working out. He gave up on his dreams and ambition and his determination waned. After a long day at work one day, he looked up at the ceiling and made a wish, a wish he never knew will come true and change his life forever. He got a system, one that seems to be an all-rounder and it has his dream feature. [Ding!] [You spent $1199. You received 10x rebate of expenses made. You earned $11,990. The money has been sent to host bank account] "My dream life is no longer out of reach!" ________ This is my first book and English is not my main, I will apologize for any possible error. ________ Disclaimer: 'Getting A System In A Modern World' is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. This book may reference real companies and organizations, but these references are for narrative purposes only and are not intended to depict actual conduct or involvement of these entities. The use of these names and references is not meant to harm, defame, or discredit these companies or organizations. ________ Thank you for reading :)

Daoist_Godfiend · Sci-fi
3.9
338 Chs