webnovel
Apollyon_
Apollyon_Lv41yr
2023-08-20 04:47

It’s an ok one piece fic. Expect ~5 grammatical/spelling mistakes a chapter. Author could benefit greatly from running his chapters through gpt or Grammarly. The power system is some kind of derivative of dnd 5e. If you’re not familiar with the system, expect to read multiple chapters explaining it in a way that doesn’t make sense in a real world. Things like spell slots and action economy have no purpose outside of a game/system world. Expect borderline wiki dump explanations for each ability, and each option for an ability that the mc gets each time they level. 5e as a system is intriguing, but I feel it’s poorly implemented here and bogs down the fic way too much.

Liked by 3 people

LIKE
empty img

No replies. Be the first!

Other Reviews
Hanni_Baal
Hanni_BaalLv4

Ok, the idea is very interesting, but it is poorly implemented, do not be discouraged author, you said that you accept constructive criticism and this has every intention of being so, this can be improved, continue with the story, improve with practice and keep in mind what I tell you for your next FF. I clarify, I have not read all nor do I plan to do so, because I really cannot accept some of the author's decisions, I will talk about them later, but in view of the potential of this idea I decided to leave the problems that I see, with the intention that the author improve and, perhaps in the future, rewrite this story with greater coherence; In the same way, I am not going to talk about spelling because, not being a native, I could easily make a mistake. Now, it is understandable that the beginning is a bit forced, with the mixture of worlds and everything, but the writing in general is quite rough, the narration does not feel fluid, making it difficult to immerse ourself in the story, I mean, do not throw the information at us so in our faces, also sometimes it seems that you forgot to put something in or it occurred to you later, so you decide to include it as if it were a last minute addition to the plot, like the blacksmith; or I also just read that after killing the bear, the teacher deduced that it was by a sword technique, but that's said by the omniscient narrator in the crudest possible way, you could have done a little scene of Koushirou bending down and checking the cut and then being surprised at the mastery of the sword, internal chatter and all, or something like that ... My point is that is better if you don't throw us the conclusions you want us to draw, use your characters to form the idea little by little or give us the clues so that we can achieve it, the first one is very important to create the framework for the other characters skills, and for giving mysticism. Another error that I saw is how you attacked the scale of power and the physical reality of things, that is, the techniques that the MC would know do not make sense, some because they require advanced knowledge that he simply does not have or because Zoro creates them on his journey; and, at the same time, doing it like this you just delegitimized all the efforts of the rest of the swordsman in your fiction, wich make it pointless unless this is one of those lame FF of OP characters that act like chinese Young Masters; and the blacksmith thing destroy the logic of your story! It's the reason why DXD is an absolute joke, there's no effort in half of their characters; which brings me to the last and worst mistake, empathy, you tried to make us empathize with the main character through a traumatic past, and it was not that bad, crude, yes, but the idea was there, but there was no growth period or anything, you didn't give us time to appreciate his situation and growth, preventing a true empathy with your character. And let's not even talk about the casual modifications to the time line, that some do it in series like Naruto, Fairy Tail or DB where the time line is poorly planned and as long as you keep certain immovable nodes everything works, it can work, just if they keep it in a decent explanatory order, but in a story like One Piece where the attention to detail is so high? It doesn't make sense, and it's too big a risk for the mere convenience of your wishes author. In any case, in summary: Narrative, character development, balance, and be coherent with the origin story and the theme of your novel.

Related Stories

As Sukuna in Invincible

The Honoured One... A title bestowed upon the one who's pleasure and displeasure matter above all else within the bounds of Heaven and Earth. That is who I have become. Satoru Gojo - The Six Eyes may have claimed this title for himself, declared it to all of Creation and went unchallenged for it for years, till the awakening of the man I have been transmigrated as. I intend to honour that title. Power is meant to be used - to change one's life with. And change it I shall. ---------------------------- (Author note: This guy will be a lot like Sukuna in personality, but not a carbon copy - he will have his own views and thoughts that will contradict canon Sukuna, cause this guy is a transmigrated soul from our world who was thrown into the Invincible world with all of Sukuna's powers. Also, he was geniunely Sukuna in his past life. Romance: Sukuna X Yandere Eve Sukuna is in the body of Megumi (Shadows yet to be tamed) to be as clear as possible :A person from our world, reincarnated as Sukuna in JJK without his memories and then before the fight with Gojo disappeared and reincarnated in Invincible as a guy funnily with the name Megumi Fushiguro and recently remembered all his 3 lives. his memory is a bit convoluted in the beginning that's why he thinks its transmigration. Read the auxiliary chapter for Sukuna's power level compared to this world, because I am taking some vague statements about Sukuna in JJK canon, to make him strong enough to not just be crushed in an instant in a world with Viltrumites. Hope to see you guys soon, Bye!)

Samael_Son_of_Dawn · Anime & Comics
4.5
82 Chs

Endless Path : Infinite Cosmos

Vahn was an atypical youth. Due to a rare mutation, his blood had the potential to target and attack ailments within the human body. Touted as a universal cure, people had elevated his status above the norm and given him the classification "Panacea". In the media, he was hailed as a great hero who would usher in a new era or human wellness. However, behind the scenes things weren't so bright. Being a unique individual, Vahn spent his entire youth locked up in a lab with various scientists and research teams using his body and blood to perform endless amounts of experiments. The only solace in his suffering was the various anime and manga made available to him between experiments. He often imagined himself as the protagonist in a world of his own, finally in control of his own destiny. For years he nurtured this desire, until at the age of 14 he died when an organization had tried to kidnap him from the lab... "Finally, I don't have to suffer anymore..." This was Vahn's last thought as he faded into the endless black abyss... "You poor soul." Author's Note: If you would like to support the author and the team behind EPIC and future projects, feel free to check out libraryofakasha.com. There, you can find extra chapters and several other novels posted by myself and a few people from Discord. Cover by Sinlaire, Edited by Frozen: https://www.deviantart.com/sinlaire https://discord.gg/Jwa8PKh New Patreon~! https://www.patreon.com/user?u=14397149 This is a work of fiction that draws heavily upon the original source material of Danmachi. Please support the official release and know I claim no ownership or credit regarding the existence of pre-existing characters or content.

Einlion · Anime & Comics
4.8
2365 Chs