Try to build up the story more to make it more compelling and don't rush like some or most of the Chinese ff. Like an literary text we need to know, what, where, when, who and why then how. It can give you a right guide in your dialogues. I read it and it lacks the description in your first chapter. Introduce the characters well so the readers can empathize, hate or love them. Goodluck your in journey Nii-San. -Love from your not so little brother.
Human_Sinner
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