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PALI_
PALI_Lv43yr
2021-07-22 10:26

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UsedCreation
UsedCreationLv14
Hyberions
HyberionsLv14

Your idea for using Tatsumaki's (aka Telekinesis) for a quirk, It's perfect for a world like MHA if done well. There is a similar quirk in the canon series IIRC called poltergeist utilized by Reiko Yanagi, the only difference between the two is Reiko can't affect living/organic matter. I was half expecting the MC to be in the same class as her so they could bounce ideas off of each other, yet sadly it didn't happen. Also for someone who isn't too fluent in English, the grammar isn't terrible, only the occasional punctuation missing or mispelled word. Grammarly would sort those out for you. Now for the problems, starting with the story progression; It's a bit messy to start off with, but that's to be expected for the first few chapters. The problem is that the story doesn't feel like it is planned out at all and you write whatever comes to mind. This isn't inherently a bad thing, it just leads to a messy reading experience with pacing, etc. After would be the world, the story is lacking in descriptive wording regarding his surroundings. It oftentimes is jarring to me personally because the entire chapter is just dialogue with the occasional scene switch. And lastly in my opinion is the reasoning behind the MC's actions. He has hidden his quirk's true power and potential at every turn. I get it, you want to have interesting fights, etc. in the future with that excuse as a scapegoat, I truly do. It's just so infuriating to read "I have to hold back" etc. It's an authors way of soft nerfing their characters and I'm not a massive fan of it. You claim that he doesn't wish to get AFO's attention, if he has Telekinesis on the level of Tatsumaki, he can comfortably solo the entire MHA universe. He has no reason to hide it, apart from you, the author, using it to make sure AFO doesn't stay in hiding which would ruin the preset plotline of canon. And that's about it. This is just an honest review, I may have misremembered a few things, or forgotten some parts, but that's all I have to say. I wish you luck in future chapters and potentially improving. <3

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