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Rhys_Gray
Rhys_GrayLv42yr
2022-12-13 20:09

good story finally not a uchiha and a Nara as I always thought that they should be more powerful than they looked

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Other Reviews
KhadaFourJhin
KhadaFourJhinLv4

I would've liked to say that I enjoyed this story but in all honestly, it was just hard for me to get through this. I don't wish to be an idiot and blatantly hate on the story so I shall list why I didn't like it all that much. The way you write is a whole mess in the kindest way possible, you are better than 70%+ of people here but it still is a massive criticism that you should fix as a writer. The pacing is my main issue though, it feels out of place and weird to read about (It might just be me though). I suggest you slow things down a bit and stretch it out instead of cramping it into one small chapter for every situation and have some interactions rather than just MC monologuing 24/7 because it just feels wrong to read. The grammar is fine even if it isn't the best, the only noticeable and constant error is your use of commas. Your usage of commas is very extra and is used way too much for a single paragraph and it leads to a lot of mumbo jumbos (Not a big mistake just one to look out for). Your chapters are short and rushed which also doesn't help so I hope it gets better after this. You should seriously take your time with this stuff as it affects the reader's interest and enjoyment of this story. If you're doing this for fun then by all means just ignore me but if you're seriously trying to improve then this is a big message to you. I normally wouldn't care but I've been quite hungry for a decent fanfiction and this didn't really live up to that which it could've had you thought this story out more. The premise you chose is of course interesting and unique enough to get my attention adding to the fact that the first few chapters, while poorly executed, were also enough to get me to continue. When continuing it led me to realize something, it seriously feels like the MC doesn't behave naturally and his motivations are odd. This then leads to your MC's reasoning becoming... wholeheartedly dumb. The whole Danzo thing felt so off and made me question if he knew what Danzo's intentions were and if he seriously knew his stuff. It isn't a prominent thing in the story but it is still a criticism worth mentioning. Now I am no professional critique or anything, nor am I trying to tell you how to write your story but this is my honest opinion about it from what I've read (10 Chapters) and my thoughts of it so far are that of Disappointment. You should take your time with your story and try making it different and more planned out rather than making it generic and cliche like 97% of all the other Naruto FF. This might be a wish-fulfillment and I'm all in for that but as a story, it fails massively. I am a picky reader and I'll admit it because I don't want to sound hypocritical but my standards have lowered over time and I can handle some pretty bad stories and Fanfics so it shouldn't take much improvement to keep me into this.. I will of course continue reading in hopes you improve and better the story, Good luck author-san.

HotChairsLover
HotChairsLoverLv4
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