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Review Detail of WiLeYBiGhEaD in MHA: 'Serene' Life in Another World

Review detail

WiLeYBiGhEaD
WiLeYBiGhEaDLv112yrWiLeYBiGhEaD

Given the ratings I was hoping for more(21 ch). To some extent, the premise is interesting and the story certainly is unique, trying to avoid common plots of other mha fanfics while having decent editing so that there are not any glaring spelling errors. I was entertained by some of the story, but often ripped from it by jarring plot choices or characters. The delivery is average to below average. The worldbuilding is very shallow, with nothing more than stating which world the mc is in and that he has a gta san andres system. Anyone not familiar with both will be lost. It is a small issue for a fanfic compared to the rest though. The characters are also inconsistent with famous characters like endevour not possessing his famous temper, while the mc consistently acts different from his thoughts. It is understandable to some extent that seeing someone being hurt makes him forget his own safety, but his approach to helping is stupid given his situation. Also, there is almost nothing known about the mc aside from him liking san andres enough to memorize the cheats and that he owns a noodle shop. No goals, hobbies, likes or dislikes. Only that he wants to be a hero and thinks evil villans should be killed, also with no reason. The government or others not investigating a quirkless who beat down Muscular with a kitchen knife is a clear example of this stories biggest fault. Believability and internal consistency are sorely lacking. I get that for a fanfic genre of an mc who uses system cheats that there will be a lack of reason for the sake of enjoyment, but it really goes to far. The mc being recognized by Endevour by purposefully letting him win a fight without him flaming in anger or asking why a quirckless is so strong he can create shockwaves with his punches was where I stopped. Overall, you may enjoy it as many seem to. Despite its faults, it is unique and without the poor grammer than many fanics have making it easy to read. But the lack of internal consistency and poor conflict resolution overshadow the rest for me.

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MHA: 'Serene' Life in Another World

Gonshido

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Replies4

Gonshido
GonshidoAuthorGonshido

I will try to rewrite some of the earlier chapters to remove the inconsistencies and the faults. Thanks for pointing them out.

WiLeYBiGhEaD
WiLeYBiGhEaDLv11WiLeYBiGhEaD

Do what you feel is right. My review may seem critical, but i genuinely laughed at a few parts and was entertained by your unique story. Try not to worry to much about fixing your story to make it perfect as it is easy to get caught in a cycle of rewriting instead of progressing forward. My suggestion with a grain of salt, make two small adjustments going forward. 1. Try to keep special elements of characters from borrowed characters consistent with their original until you are ready to move into Au or oc characters. It will be easier to maintain consistency and free up time for other aspects of your writing. Things like All Mights sometimes childish good nature were present and done fairly well, but Endevours famous temper were missing. He is a famous antagonist for a reason, as an example of how not all heros are good natured, even the famous number 2 Pro hero. It would have been better imo to have a longer conflict between the mc and him over his daughter and their conflicting ideals over the course of the story. More material to write about and develop characters as well. When conflicts are resolved to quickly or simply to often, victories will have less weight or satisfaction. 2. Try to have other characters be more suspicious of the mc when he shows his abilities. Simply passing them off as a late awakened quirck would work as basics, but there needs to be some kind of lasting shock and awe from the mc performing superhuman feats. The reaction of CJ and the others was both funny and more realistic than those in the mha world. One of the main themes of mha is the blurred line between good and evil from both heros, villans, and the government. It doesnt have to be much or to serious, but it is jarring when it is missing entirely. Lastly, some small changes would be to add minor worldbuilding every now and then. It is a fanfic so simple and short explanations every now and then would go a long way without needing to establish everything. Also, try to give more about how the mc is currently feeling at certain moments. His impromptu hero moments would be more believable if we the reader saw how he just couldn’t control himself emotionally when he saw others being hurt. Currently, there is not much insight into the mc’s emotions or goals/ideals. If present they would add more life to the story (and the romance). Overall, your story is unique and I can see the effort in making it enjoyable which clearly shows in the ratings. I hope your progress is long and enduring. Don’t let the above weigh to heavily. You made me laugh and put a smile on my face more than once :)

Gonshido
GonshidoAuthorGonshido

I have tried and did some changes in my writing style. I would like you to give Ch. Holiday for the raid a quick view and give some pointers. Thank you.

WiLeYBiGhEaD:Do what you feel is right. My review may seem critical, but i genuinely laughed at a few parts and was entertained by your unique story. Try not to worry to much about fixing your story to make it perfect as it is easy to get caught in a cycle of rewriting instead of progressing forward. My suggestion with a grain of salt, make two small adjustments going forward. 1. Try to keep special elements of characters from borrowed characters consistent with their original until you are ready to move into Au or oc characters. It will be easier to maintain consistency and free up time for other aspects of your writing. Things like All Mights sometimes childish good nature were present and done fairly well, but Endevours famous temper were missing. He is a famous antagonist for a reason, as an example of how not all heros are good natured, even the famous number 2 Pro hero. It would have been better imo to have a longer conflict between the mc and him over his daughter and their conflicting ideals over the course of the story. More material to write about and develop characters as well. When conflicts are resolved to quickly or simply to often, victories will have less weight or satisfaction. 2. Try to have other characters be more suspicious of the mc when he shows his abilities. Simply passing them off as a late awakened quirck would work as basics, but there needs to be some kind of lasting shock and awe from the mc performing superhuman feats. The reaction of CJ and the others was both funny and more realistic than those in the mha world. One of the main themes of mha is the blurred line between good and evil from both heros, villans, and the government. It doesnt have to be much or to serious, but it is jarring when it is missing entirely. Lastly, some small changes would be to add minor worldbuilding every now and then. It is a fanfic so simple and short explanations every now and then would go a long way without needing to establish everything. Also, try to give more about how the mc is currently feeling at certain moments. His impromptu hero moments would be more believable if we the reader saw how he just couldn’t control himself emotionally when he saw others being hurt. Currently, there is not much insight into the mc’s emotions or goals/ideals. If present they would add more life to the story (and the romance). Overall, your story is unique and I can see the effort in making it enjoyable which clearly shows in the ratings. I hope your progress is long and enduring. Don’t let the above weigh to heavily. You made me laugh and put a smile on my face more than once :)
Gonshido
GonshidoAuthorGonshido

Ch. 44

Gonshido:I have tried and did some changes in my writing style. I would like you to give Ch. Holiday for the raid a quick view and give some pointers. Thank you.