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Review Detail of Sayuri_KB in Minecraft Survival: ASOIAF

Review detail

Sayuri_KB
Sayuri_KBLv112yrSayuri_KB

This fanfic is really good but the problem is that when it is in 3rd POV, it is written as if the MC is the readers. you—>him. you should also put your notes and questions at the end of a chapter.

altalt

Minecraft Survival: ASOIAF

HeavenlyMarks

Liked by 20 people

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Replies7

HeavenlyMarks
HeavenlyMarksAuthorHeavenlyMarks

Noted thanks

ExodusGaming555
ExodusGaming555Lv6ExodusGaming555

thats 2nd pov and not 3rd pov lol

AlphonseDarkshield
AlphonseDarkshieldLv6AlphonseDarkshield

The story has far too many chuncks that look like Wiki exerps about items that it breaks immersion ruining the story. People should already know about most items you have so a short description about it would suffice, if they don’t know they can search it or ask in the comments. You can add a comment to the paragraph about it if you want but please cut out the unnecessary information.

HeavenlyMarks:Noted thanks
Martin_Pangu
Martin_PanguLv4Martin_Pangu

very poorly written.

Paul_Larson_6672
Paul_Larson_6672Lv11Paul_Larson_6672

Not a bad add to his weighting for here but if this is practice for real books he did the right thing explaining it but should have condensed the info in my opinion after all a personal world he makes won’t have said wiki readily available

AlphonseDarkshield:The story has far too many chuncks that look like Wiki exerps about items that it breaks immersion ruining the story. People should already know about most items you have so a short description about it would suffice, if they don’t know they can search it or ask in the comments. You can add a comment to the paragraph about it if you want but please cut out the unnecessary information.
Paul_Larson_6672
Paul_Larson_6672Lv11Paul_Larson_6672

How this is meant to be constructive what could be better explain your opinion please no judgement I’m just asking you to be a little more verbose

Martin_Pangu:very poorly written.
AlphonseDarkshield
AlphonseDarkshieldLv6AlphonseDarkshield

Even the.m the descriptions are too long and immersion breaking going into too much detail directly. They should be more show and less tell at times not always long winded descriptions…

Paul_Larson_6672:Not a bad add to his weighting for here but if this is practice for real books he did the right thing explaining it but should have condensed the info in my opinion after all a personal world he makes won’t have said wiki readily available