Review Detail of Faelyon in Legend of the White Haired Cultivator

The story is pretty interesting but there's a lot of things to work on. Since you've mentioned that your English isn't very good, I won't comment on that. I've noticed with the way you write this, that's it more of a script/play telling than an actual novel. I don't know if this is on purpose or not, but if it isn't I recommend changing it up. Also personally, I think we're jumping a little all over the place, but if this is how you want it then I won't say anything. But it might be better to slow down, because we went from introduction to magic to imagination to church to star all in one chapter. I recommend you slow down, especially with chapter one. Chapter one is where you introduce everything. The magic, the main character, all that jazz. You can use that sword scene to hide clues or explain some things about your fantasy world. I don't know if the way it's written is due to bad translation or your style, but you could try making the sentences less choppy. It sounds like you google translated it (which maybe you did). If you used translate just skip over this. But if you didn't here are my comments. 1. First off, you could try making what your characters say more realistic if you get what I mean, not like some foreigner speaking english. 2. Add more description, especially with fantasy worlds, appealing to the imagination is key. You want the reader to be able to see what you're writing. Like oh a beast? I wanna really see it in my mind. You say "huge python." What does that mean? Is it a regular python with magic? Something more? Maybe it's really python like with long fangs dripping with lethal venom. Maybe it has scales that magically reinforced. Stuff like that. 3. Take your time with the explanation of all the aspects of the fantasy. How the white flame works, how magic works all that stuff. Don't wanna be twenty chapters and go huh, how'd she do that and then have to read back. Overall, I like the story, it seems really interesting. If you fine-tuned some things and worked on it I think it could awesome.