A brief warning beforehand: I have been quite honest in this review. This comes forth from the believe that you will benefit more from my honesty than from my tendency to sing you praise. So firstly: You present your reader with a popular and promising premise that is well executed. I am not, however, very compelled to keep reading. I believe this because there is an absence of rhythm in your writing. Which causes it to become tedious. Allow me to give you an example: I am a normal sentence. I consist if five words. Look here is another one. This is becoming quite boring. There is no rhythm present. Instead: Instead, try to give your readers sentences with rhythm. Offer them sentences as if you have composed them the same way you would music. Real music. Give them the beating of drums and the sounds of trumpets. Give them rhythm and sound. And then, when you think you have their attention, give them a sentence so long and tedious that you struggle to keep their attention, until you are convinced they have given up until you say, look: it is worth reading. I sincerely hope this absurd example has portrayed my feelings correctly. Secondly, your characters (apart from your main character) tend to feel quite two-dimensional. Which wouldn’t be weird on short-term, but I feel that we spend enough time with them in order for them to develop more immersive character. And I miss that in your work. I know what they look like. I know what their basic characteristics are, but, they don’t feel fleshed out… as your reader, I need more. Give me more texture. Your characters are lively but there is not much dept. I need more information in order for them to feel like actual people. Not necessarily about how they look, but rather how they move. How they feel. Is there a certain charm or abruptness to the way they move? Do their smiles reach their eyes? Do they move their hands while talking? Don’t misunderstand me, this is present in your work. But not enough for your characters to feel real just yet. (Naturally this is very hard to do. I certainly don’t claim to be able to do this perfectly). I do applaud the clear enthusiasm you put into your work and wish you a lot of fun continuing to write your story.
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Thank you
I’m sure there’s a compliment in there somewhere… After all, all of your characters feel “real”.
