Review Detail of MasterHexer in Sileo (Restart)

I'm after reading chapter sixth but I have to rant a bit, so I'm gonna split the review into two parts. The judgement, and then ranting with a bit of pointer for the author. The judgement! (Behold!): The story starts great. The mood is delivered easily, and characters are so damn quickly fleshed out, that they feel real (that's a talent right there). Conversations with sister, then with the cat are solid 5/5. Interesting, entertaining, real. Really great job. The same with the story. The first two chapters give you a promise of something great, but then unfortunately the ball is dropped... Rant part: You (the Author) drop the ball! You lose the flow of the story, make tons of mistakes that you previously weren't doing. And it's not just the grammar mistakes (you can fix them easily), but rather tons of other things. I feel like you are pounding each sentence into the story. Your descriptions fall off. There is no sense of passing time, and you don't stick to your world-building. Everybody has a familiar, but suddenly there is only a cat and an owl. You have tons of other characters, but the animals stay in the number of two. Now a word about characters. Don't put so many (named ones!) of them when they are not important. You just flood your readers with names, and they can't remember them, which introduces chaos into the story. The reader needs to be able to keep understanding what is going on. Now about the behaviors. Why Elizabeth is eating poisoned food when she is informed by Otto, that it's poisoned? It's not like she knew the other people for years and is trusting them, right? Would you eat candy from a stranger? If she does that because she is hungry, you don't provide that information for readers. In that case, you have to pound that information into your readers, so they can feel for your character, and agree with the choice. For me it's irrational. They have been there for me, I have no idea how long. It feels like 30 minutes at most. Then there is Ater ( The cat?). He tries to hide his identity, pretends to be a cat, then he suddenly throws the whole masquerade and starts talking. Why? Stick to your world-building. Make notes if you have to. I currently have 27 pages of them for my story. It really helps. Now about the background. It was your weakest point in the first chapter, which for me was almost perfect. The only weak point was the scenery. You describe it, but only partially. You wrote this: "Otto Kattering blinked and looked at the falling sunset. Beautiful scenery, but a still-sad disposition could be the only thing that described it." Then few paragraphs later, you wrote this: "Beth and Otto stood near the edge of the water, legs hanging over the boarding area as their feet felt the cool waters" Why you don't establish the scenery in one place? You should combine this, and your readers would have a clear image of what's going on from the start. You cant paint the picture, then suddenly add another part. That's not how the imagination works. Somewhere I read that good description should start with the light, just as you did, because that's the first thing we see. Then the most standing out elements. Then the sound, then the smell. From general stuff, to specific. Of course, this is not a recipe for the cake, so use it as you think is the correct way for you. Now the most important thing that would benefit your writing ( I believe). Read what you write. After finishing a paragraph, read it, then fix it. All people do it, especially pro writers. I think you stopped doing it after the two first chapters, and the quality of your story started to decline. Btw. The first sentence of your story: "'Otto', Otto stared at the person calling him name". His name. It's a small thing, not really important. But this sentence: "'We can't leave her, she's in our party,' Otto argued back, not really an argument rather a point, 'Her skill might be interesting to see in action. It'd be a waste.' Ater grumbled." "not really an argument rather a point" - this shouldn't exist. It has no point, no purpose, only disrupts your story. I'm rambling this hard because I believe you have a talent, so don't take it personally. Your first chapters were the best I have read so far on this site. You really had me in those two first chapters, but then... Anyway. I hope those words will help you improve. Good luck with your writing endeavors!