The way you have written your story is extremely intriguing. The language you have chosen is showing the reader what's happening, rather than just telling. Based on experience, I can tell you it is something a lot of writers struggle with. So bravo your on the right track! One small suggestion would be try not to use "ly" ending verbs back to back in paragraphs. I feel like that is just going to enhance your writing. It is a just suggestion :) Yours story is really!
IzannahFrame
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