Kizaru_EtrusLv133yr

2021-05-01 02:42

First and foremost, thank you for this amazing story! It's not joke when I say that I literally binged the entire thing in two days. Yes I have no life. This will be my full review with critism because that's important if you want to improve. Spoilers ahead. Overall I thought that the story was great. The ideas and themes you introduced were cool and I like the idea of the final battle and the final nemesis. The story was about Jay / Two trying to have a new beginning. I thought I knew what that meant, let's get reincarnated and enjoy a new a life. However, it became clear to me that Two is someone that is deeply haunted and scarred by their past. It causes them to be unable to truly appreciate the people and world around them because they're still caught in the shadow of who and what they are. This was a big part of the story and was especially focused on with Katherine's death and she tells to live. Then at the end we see Two fighting himself and ultimately moving on from the past that haunts him and becoming Jay. This is a wonderful idea and story beat. However, I feel like this idea wasn't fully supported by the story in that I mean that the story got so swept up in the war that I kind of lost focus on that as I read and perhaps you, Kenkan, as you wrote. What I feel is the biggest flaw of this story is what feels like a lack of planning. Personally when I want to write a story I think it is ideal to sit down and write out every little aspect of what you want to do. Who are the characters, what are they like, what do they want, etc. This extends to everything. The world, the systems, races, history, all of it and more. Then how do they interact and especially, that do you want to do with the story and how you want it to tie into itself as well as what you want the focus to be. I could be wrong but I feel like you did not plan enough of this story. Even from your comments it seems like you just sat down and wrote what you wanted for the next chapter. I totally understand this. I know what its like to get super excited about something that you just want to start right then and there and then you kind of get stuck because you want to be consistent and meet peoples expectations etc. However, I think that more planning would have helped your writing immensely. Personally as a reader I felt that a lot of this story was very rushed. This has a lot of reasons such as time skips, character relations, plot advancements, etc. I think that there were too many time skips all over the place and it didn't help that we were rarely told a time skip happened. This led me, as a reader, to be often confused. This is especially so when I would be looking forward to interactions between characters and just seeing more of the world, only to find out that we skipped all of it, jumped ahead, and just say it happened. This also decreases my attachment to the characters because we don't get enough time and interaction with them, This also means that deaths aren't really that sad. Although Katherines death was pretty good I thought she was done well, but even her I would have liked more interaction. Battles. They felt weird because the way you wrote these high paced action filled battles it felt like minutes went by, especially considering the speed and power of the characters. However you would write that it's been going on for hours or that the war has been going on for months and the way you write it and what you write almost feel at odds against each other. I think that your fighting scenes are good it's just that they don't have the length you want them to in my eyes. Furthermore, your world feels too small. You never really talk about distance and this factors in with the time skips. For example, you say that it took about 3 weeks for the human army to arrive and support the dragons, however this happens in a few chapters. Also Jay travels around the continent in mere hours and armies seem to depart and arrive at their destination very quickly. The war just felt small and large at the same time, There were a lot of people but it only felt like there were only a few battles and only a few spots those battles happened, I understand that this is because of the dragons having a small territory to defend but I still think that your world felt too small. Yes there were places very far from the war such as the fei capital, and this helps show distance, but that's really the only example you ever showed so it doesn't really help or feel impactful. The monster race was a cool idea however I really don't see why you added it. They did almost nothing for the story and they did not impact it in any meaningful way. It just feels like a cool idea you threw in, but it has no impact. I also don't think that the Jay becoming an antagonist of the whole world was pulled of very well. It honestly just felt like asthia told the kings that he was really strong so he's the main baddie now and we should forget the war, and they just went along with it. Yes he blew up a whole town/city but I don't think its enough at all. In my opinion, he should have killed and destroyed a lot more in order to be recognized as a threat to stop the whole war and unite despite the years of this current war and hatred, as well as the centuries of war and hatred that you said is there, So Jay filling an Itachi role didn't really feel fleshed out enough. Then the physical battle between him and the other s ranks was not that great. I know that you mainly wanted to focus on his internal struggle and that final battle, and I know that he is super strong, but I don't think that there was enough shown against all the s ranks. In terms of your influence of The begging after the end, I think it dictated the course of your story too much. Influence is fine and a similar begging is also fine, however your whole story almost feels a shorter and rushed copy. Your characters are almost the exact same, from their power, to their appearance, to their actions. I mean Hugo, a fire user noble that follows the exact same path as the elf guy in TBATE. A huge party wipe against a tree monster that pretty much ends Jays adventuring, Almost every main character is like the main characters of TBATE. I'm fine with inspiration but I think you took too much and this honestly feels like a fanfic rip off some of the time. In order to improve, I really use think it comes down to a lot of planning and development before sitting down and writing. Just writing a chapter, publishing it and then doing that every time just leads to a linear story with not much depth most of the time. Also don't overuse influences. Your writing style is already pretty good so I think that you don't need to improve much there. Ok. I know I just wrote a lot about how I didn't like what you wrote but I genuinely did enjoy my time reading your story. There was a lot I did like too but I decided to focus on criticism for this. Thank you Kenkan for this cool story and I look forward to what you do next. Please don't misunderstand any of what I wrote for hate, I just wanted to say what I didn't like and what I thought could be better. Thank you for your time if you actually read this textbook of a review. - Kizaru Etrus

New World - A New Beginning

kenkan

4.7

157 Chs