KatzenliebeLv14yr

2021-03-10 00:57

I think everything in the story is quite interesting and there are some parts that are just... "whaa~t?" (In a good way whaa~t). I really liked the detail that went into it and all the conditions and stuff. But (because I am a nitpicker and is O.o) there are a quite a few grammar errors... ... o.o Firstly, verb tenses. The entire story is basically in first person which kind of (Ummmmmm) doesn't make a lot of sense (It's fine I guess, but there are some issues with the tenses). When people retell a story, even if they are retelling it as they go, it's in past tense because 'I was holding a cup', and 'I am holding a cup' is kind of different. Although there 100% can be exceptions, usually stories are written in past. In this case where it's completely in first person, it's okay (I think) because this is someone's thoughts. However, there are some moments where the verb tense switches and that's really honestly not okay because it either suggests that this event happened before. For instance: [I brush my teeth and wash my face. I went to sleep.] That is actually okay, but it's kind of confusing when it piles up. Generally, if we're explicating something that is sudden (Or for emphasis) it's in present, if not past. Like, I went to sleep, or I ate some bread. It's not really a mistake, but there are times where the switch is a bit awkward. Secondly, articles. I can't really tell if it's a typo or something because some of them really do look like typos, but there are moments where the wrong article is used or an article is missing or added in. Sometimes there's an 'a' instead of a 'the'. While I guess sometimes it isn't really a mistake and either could be used but in the context afterwards it's kind of weird when it doesn't match up with the following sentence. I really recommend getting someone or a tool like grammarly (I only know this and word, so I guess use either. Honestly, any grammar checking thing will work). It really starts to get slightly confusing in the long run and I would really honestly get something to check it. Thirdly, the plurals. Ummmmmmm (worries), sometimes the plurals and the article (^) doesn't match up. It's kind of hard to explain, so I'll just give an example: [There was an apples.] That happens a couple times, and I'm not really sure if it's a typo or a mistake or something else, but it is kind of an issue if the amount of something comes into play. So if there were two knives instead of one, using 'a' can be confusing as it refers to there being only one knife. Just in case, I would suggest using numbers as a safeguard, it might even prevent the problem from happening. Fourthly (... srry), this is kind of an opinion, but sometimes I think the description and character description especially could be better in a manner that isn't just state the condition, feeling, and move on. It's not really an issue I guess, it works (And I r e a l l y like the details) but it's kind of awkward sometimes. Since this is first person, I would really recommend freeing up the writing. In third person this would be somewhat borderline ok and not ok, but in first person, to make the writing really stand out, using thoughts and exclamations and strongly worded feelings (idk how to say it) really helps. First PoV is really good (and sometimes when writing third PoV it's hard to get around) in terms of expressing how the MC feels and all that mushy... stuff. I really recommend just sort of exploring first PoV since it's one of those kinds of PoV where the author is really free to do almost anything (that does not break the holy grammar laws that go 'no'). Even stuff like; [What? Is this guy really asking me this?] is okay and is actually good. I mean it's used sometimes, but for some of the description it could be mended into it. The thing about third person is that it's really limited as to how a character can be expressed... but first person is really really really just meant for that. Finally (O.o), I recommend splitting up your paragraphs. This isn't a grammar error or even an error, but sometimes people can be dissuaded by the look of a huge bulging paragraph that reminds them of the essay they have to write on Monday morning (which isn't me btw... just saying...). Splitting up paragraphs sometimes just makes it look cleaner. For instance having a 20 line paragraph then a 1 line paragraph/quotation is really just difficult to see unless it's for comedic (did I spell it right?) effect. Keeping it between 1 to 10ish (give 1 or 3) lines is okay and is feasible, but going all Karamazov and having a speech that is literally two pages (Microsoft effin word pages. I'm not even kidding it was this religious thing by this dude called father Zosima and while really cool... line by line by line...) long is a lot (I think the longest I saw was 16~?).

Romania 5th Hunter Team

Septic_Red

4.7

44 Chs