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AxlSLL
AxlSLLLv24yr
2020-10-31 02:52

The story advances smoothly pleasing. Your writing style is simple yet effective. The characters are decently crafted and the setting has that magical feeling that you can always expect but not always get in this genre. However, the way the narrator works is confusing and some might find it tiresome. It acts like it's in the Third-Person most of the time but sometimes it's like a First-Person. The way it talks to the reader can also be just, "weird". Some grammar mistakes but nothing that kills the experience. Try fixing the way you mix the grammatical tenses. And please get rid of those dialogues in the script format: A: Hi. B: Hello. They are tedious to read and limit creativity, especially the way you inconsistently switch between them and the standard quotation marks. Otherwise, it's a solid, light-hearted work. Keep improving it and don't stop.

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Jonkohrr
JonkohrrAuthor

The narrator only speaks in the third person now. It's been a long time editing plus finishing the story, but MANY things have been corrected. I'm still editing it to this day, though.

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