This needs an editor. The constant POV switches make it hard to follow the story. Also, the MC feels a bit fake, idk, maybe I should just give this more time.
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fake in what sense, please let me understand so I can know how to fix it
Fake in the sense of being way too accepting in his newfound situation. He is also supposed to be this badass retired gang member right? No way is he just running headfirst into every single decision. If his thought-process was more refined and better explained it would be so much more enjoyable. Also, the constant POV shifts make it hard to keep track of what he thinks and what is happening. The thing is, however, that the MC isn't even that bad. The grammar and bad sentence making are what really kills this story for me.
Daoist_Xuyi:fake in what sense, please let me understand so I can know how to fix it
Damn, you mentioned some points that shows I am unlikely to enjoy this story ;S A brash former gang-member for a MC, who rushes into situations without thinking. And sub-par linguistics... The most seriuos critique I've come across so far.
NikTitanik866:Fake in the sense of being way too accepting in his newfound situation. He is also supposed to be this badass retired gang member right? No way is he just running headfirst into every single decision. If his thought-process was more refined and better explained it would be so much more enjoyable. Also, the constant POV shifts make it hard to keep track of what he thinks and what is happening. The thing is, however, that the MC isn't even that bad. The grammar and bad sentence making are what really kills this story for me.
P.S. Fake is not the word you're looking for though, but "Unrealistic"/"Unbelievable"
NikTitanik866:Fake in the sense of being way too accepting in his newfound situation. He is also supposed to be this badass retired gang member right? No way is he just running headfirst into every single decision. If his thought-process was more refined and better explained it would be so much more enjoyable. Also, the constant POV shifts make it hard to keep track of what he thinks and what is happening. The thing is, however, that the MC isn't even that bad. The grammar and bad sentence making are what really kills this story for me.
True, however, I did really want to use fake because the MC wasn't as unbelievable as he was just 'off', like a badly made copy. It was like that feeling when you buy something that is a copy of another brand (e.g. cornflakes) and the taste is similar but slightly wrong. I mean, the MC is coldblooded, quick to adapt etc but he doesn't think, the author just made him do it and that's it. Feels like an imposter.
Ahtu_Flagg:P.S. Fake is not the word you're looking for though, but "Unrealistic"/"Unbelievable"
You are quite articulate at explaining your thought process.
NikTitanik866:True, however, I did really want to use fake because the MC wasn't as unbelievable as he was just 'off', like a badly made copy. It was like that feeling when you buy something that is a copy of another brand (e.g. cornflakes) and the taste is similar but slightly wrong. I mean, the MC is coldblooded, quick to adapt etc but he doesn't think, the author just made him do it and that's it. Feels like an imposter.
uhhh, tnx
nihiility:You are quite articulate at explaining your thought process.
