Review Detail of Neilstone in Devil's Rise

While the character development, world, setting, and plot are awesome there are still avenues for improvement. As a note, I really enjoyed reading it, I just think reviews without input are pointless. My first complaint would be the perspective, it's written in first person but shifts around like third. There's more of a difference between written perspective than whether he does something or I do. Information dumps they would ignore or overlay with inner dialogue making it feel much more like you're in their head, for instance. Third person follows the situation and first follows the attention of"I", so it's jarring when you read stuff that "I" isn't paying attention to. You didn't go totally wrong but there's room for improvement before it actually feels like you're reading from the character's perspective. Another point of improvement would be dialogue. Regardless of who is speaking, it sounds the same as the narrator/"I"s thoughts. Two people expressing the same thought often do so in very different ways. Not every character needs to reverse the syntax of their sentences like Yoda, but giving characters distinct voices really helps the readers see them as characters in a story instead of the source of information the author chose to speak a sentence. If you think their lines in an accent it can help, but that limits you to the number of accents you can think to yourself in. Similarly, each perspective also sounds the same, the inner monologue doesn't shift in tone or word choice depending on who "I" is. This is one of the benefits of shifting perspective in third person, the tone of the narrator shouldn't change. That isn't the same in first person. Everyone's head sounds different, and that means every perspective should sound different.