Review Detail of val_the_mysterious in Lumia: Other World

Story overall is a great concept, definitely my favorite genre to read. 1.1 could use some fleshing out, there were a few places where things just happened without explanation. I’ll use the hidden passages as an example of this; where did he enter the hidden passage? It could be fleshed out more by giving some more details about the structure of the house and the surrounding area, maybe a mental comment on how hard it was to build. 1.2 the transition to this section was a little rough. It also seemed like a lot of time passed from the first paragraph to the second. It would be good to expand a little more on this, even if its just to say that time progressed. 1.4 the part that really stood out here was when he went to his father to ask about techniques. There was no description of where his father was when he went to him. I assumed at first that the father was in his office/study because he went from talking to his mother to seeing his father. The scene went straight to the father showing the weapons technique and talking about practice dummies. A more descriptive transition would help the scene. Most of it can be fixed with a good edit, including the grammer issues. Overall I enjoyed the story and look forward to reading more, past the two chapters I’ve already read.