Review Detail of Chryiss in The God's Prophecy

Thank you for taking the time with reviewing my attempted novel. Some of the reviews that you have mentioned like about the characters personality, hobby and else and the about world's background, I had thought about it like there was something missing about my chapter. I will digest the suggestions that you mentioned and apply it for my attempted novel. I am still a highschool student (senior) and I am still busy with school work and that is why it does prevents me from updating or releasing a chapter. Once again, thank you for taking your time to review my novel and I don't think the review you made is harsh or insulting but rather I appreciate it.

You’re welcome. You have an awesome attitude about receiving feedback, and I wish you the best in your writing endeavors and in school!

Just got finished with my school works and so I have a question. Do I need to erase the introduction? Where the Gods and the Demons started a war or I just need to erase scene where the two mysterious people fight? About the scene where ran off and yelled at his mother until he slept, I will digest your review and will erase and change it. Rather than that, I am thinking about how he lived with someone who adopted him since he was born and that he was abandoned by his previous guardians. To be clear, do I need the main character to introduce itself? As for his hobbies or interests I'm thinking.... Games. If you have not liked how he trained, I had a thought that I will change the training methods by what the characters interests are. Thus giving the MC a gamer ability. But actually, only games is popping up in my mind when it comes through training method other than physical and mental training so this might be difficult though this will be in later chapters. The one that the MC cared about or the he has been living with then dies and then he forcibly triggers his abilities (the ice powers) thus Kagami summoning him and making him a 'chosen' warrior. But before he triggered his full potential, I will include that he had cold experiences like the he is the only one wearing a jacket and the frozen pool experience and then comes next the tragedy where the one who raised dies and been summoned. That is all what I have to think, though they are still that is going through his mind like visualizing Kagami's Heaven space, the schools background and structure and the house of the MC. I do hope you accept of what I have thought and please lend me your time. Thank you and thats all!

Yes, do delete that introduction since it’s not a hook for starting a chapter but a small info dump. The most interesting part is the pool incident, so you could start with this, and the MC could gripe about it happening. Something like, “I’m Kyousuke. (insert self introduction here including about being adopted) And today isn’t looking to be so hot.” This gives him background and some humor too. Having more self reflection of his life is he’s had a difficult one, or reactions and inward thought and feelings about each of the strange incidents he experiences will greatly elevate the writing and first person narrative. The reader more easily and concisely graph his character and relate with him. At this scene too, he can realize that a dream he had was real when Kagami appears. The dream sequence doesn’t need to be described, only told/referenced. This is one of those cases where it’s actually better to tell than to show. By referencing it only, it’ll peak the readers interest, asking themselves, what dream did he have? And in Kagami’s dialogue with Kyousuke, you can them reveal tidbits about the War and chosen ones that you deleted from the old introduction. This is a seamless way to introduce the fantasy backstory while also rationally making the MC learn about the true situation, so it makes sense to the reader. You don’t have to change the way he trains. Although the gamer idea is nice. I didn’t have an issue with what you did for his ability but only cautioned to not have his training and stats numbers dominate the text. For example, if he raises his two stats, then just say he increased these two stats rather than showing the entire stat screen. That’s all I meant. Otherwise, all the plans you indicated sound good to me!

Thank you for replying again but I still have questions (sorry for asking too much) So the first chapter will start with the pool scene and then have himself a self introduction and issues? And what about his adoptive father that died, where can I include him? Though your reply did gave me some ideas like the pool incident where he froze the pool was one year after his adoptive father died in which where he triggered his "affinity" that made it more and more out of control but he still hasn't realized that he has this powers. Though the closest thing it can get was freezing cold air that can affect the weather but if he has remembered his adoptive father, this power would get really destructive resulting him in freezing catastrophe. After his adoptive father died his friend "Ruri" and her parents agreed to make him stay in their house until he has graduate high school or have some money to have an apartment. Though I do want to mention. Is it interesting for readers at the scene of the pool happened because of the memory of his adoptive father or it happened naturally? That is all I can ask. I am sorry for asking too much from you but I do appreciate your help, Thank you.

That’s all right! I do like to help if I can, but since I offered reviews and not necessarily writing mentorship, this’ll be my last answer so that I can move onto other people’s stories on the forum thread. Although I did advise you how to begin your story, that’s only because I saw the start of it falling into some common pitfalls. For finding the best and interesting way to start after you deleted the info dump, dream sequence, and unimportant parts like running to school and going to sleep, it’s really now all up to you. I’m not going to dictate the direction of you story because YOU are the writer. All of the information you just gave about his background sounded good to me. At this point now, it’s all about your own creative decisions. Don’t worry too much about if you’re writing the “wrong” or “least interesting” way because then you’ll never get any writing done. You can only improve the more you write. Then, once you’ve gotten most or all of your story done, you can revisit and revise it and ask for opinions then. Lastly it would be hard for me to confidently say what to include or not include about MC’s background and exact way of depicting the pool scene because I don’t know the rest of your story and where you’re going with the rest of the story. Those decisions should be yours, and in this way you can improve yourself. So be confident in yourself, keep learning as you write. Over time, the more you write, you’ll see that you’ll get better and better. Good luck!