Review Detail of KarmaKalo in Guardian of the magic world

Here are a few of the main points that derailed your story initially in my opinion. 1. The writing is difficult to read because every character has a huge paragraph for each character switch. I think you should find a cleaner way to organize the thoughts, actions, and dialogue more seamlessly. If you could find a way to do that then your writing will step up a few levels. 2. Starting from chapter 3 w/Greback is kind of confusing of an introduction because the readers are just getting over Harry being hurt by the Dursleys and getting rescued so the interception of a random character is confusing. It was expected for him to be at a hospital getting treatment so the Greback thing doesn't flow well. Maybe if you had Harry kidnapped later when healing at the muggle hospital it would have been better because these events would not be happening all at once. I do like the idea of a high human upgrade since it is a cool concept. But giving away the power ups for free randomly doesn't feel as awesome to the readers as developing the trait himself by practicing magic and doing a ritual himself or finding some other way to gradually evolve to high human (my opinion). Unless you gave this trait to him at the beginning I think you shouldn't have the ROB pop up again after the initial chapter. 3. The same as the previous point with the Flamels popping in randomly. I can understand the desire to have him in the mix to teach the mc or have that connection. However, similarly to the previous point it happens right away from the ritual to where the readers can not take in all that has happened. If you're able to address the first point of writing flow and secondly spread out your events a little more then I think you can create a solid story. Hopefully I was clear in my points of review. Good start