I definitely think you could improve in some areas. As said in other reviews, the grammar is quite poor but you can't be blamed for this as this site isn't exactly made for English stories, rather translations and for people who are attempting to start grasping the English language, which is difficult, mind you! I do love the idea of the story, I really do, so keep up with that! Character design is a little bland but I feel if that can be improved in later chapters and or by adding in some more descriptions in earlier chapters, say if you were to go back and review them. Overall, 3/5! This isn't bad at all! Really good start, and I'm excited to see where this'll go! Let me know if you'd like me to go through the first 10 chapters, for instance, and give them a pass-over to make the style better fit for English readers! Free of charge, of course!
CosmicPrime
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