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Review Detail of GD_Cruz in Kitsune - An eventfull time abroad

Review detail

GD_Cruz
GD_CruzLv54yrGD_Cruz

Here's my genuine review of the work. It's well written so far,--currently in chapter 5--and although nothing seems to be happening yet by chapter 3, the story Daiki told the other two in chapter 2 speaks of a mystical occurence already happening near the university, which might be a promise of some future fantasy elements coming in. But therein lies my issue. By chapter 3, you're still in the middle of introducing your world's more mundane aspect and have your 3 characters going about daily tasks. This might just be personal tastes, but I would like to see something happen by chapter 3. Even chapter 1. First impressions last after all. At the very least, a hint of something extraordinary happening to these seemingly ordinary protagonists, maybe two white eyes staring at them from beyond the campus shadows or something like that (my example is lame. Sorry). It is a fantasy story after all. Of course, my concern gets remedied later on in the story but some people might find this too slow a burn to get into. Take this with a grain of salt as this is just be my personal preference. If this is more of a mystery novel then i guess it is fine the way it is. But even Dan Brown has at least one dead guy by the end of chapter 1. Now, I have a few comments grammar-wise. I hope you don't mind. It is what you asked of me. :) In general, the writing is solid with the descriptions clearly giving readers a vivid impression of the world Laura is in. Props for that. Although I have noticed some minor issues like no spaces between periods or a misspelling, none of these ruin the flow of the story. I did give a comment about sentence structure in chapter 2, but that's up to you to decide if it was helpful or not. One thing I do want to point out is that you have a very wide vocabulary with a lot of depth and that is clearly seen in you writing. Good job. Well, I'm certainly going to keep readin as it is getting intereting as you keep reading. I wish you the best of luck, author!

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Kitsune - An eventfull time abroad

Sani2341

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GD_Cruz
GD_CruzLv5GD_Cruz

That last part of my review is riddled with grammar issues. Haha

Sani2341
Sani2341AuthorSani2341

Well while there is somethign supernatural following our group of protagonists around, or at least in their vicinity from chapter 1 on ward, I probably was a tad too vague with it. As for the more technical issues with my writing, I am quite glad you pointed those out, and will add them to the list of things to watch out for when I proofread my Chapters.

GD_Cruz
GD_CruzLv5GD_Cruz

Hmm, I did notice the tanuki, and if it was that then maybe I should reread chapter 1... but yeah, Ideally, it has to be less vague. But it doesnt have to be in your face either. :)

Sani2341:Well while there is somethign supernatural following our group of protagonists around, or at least in their vicinity from chapter 1 on ward, I probably was a tad too vague with it. As for the more technical issues with my writing, I am quite glad you pointed those out, and will add them to the list of things to watch out for when I proofread my Chapters.
Sani2341
Sani2341AuthorSani2341

well taking your advice here and mulling it over, I added a short 'teaser' to the end of the first chapter. While it does break up the narative that otherwise followed Laura exclusively, Your point about needing something a little less vague is probably correct. Thus I do hope it adds just enough to keep more people hooked, and it evne allowed me to throw in an extra subtle hint at later reveals so there is that.

GD_Cruz:Hmm, I did notice the tanuki, and if it was that then maybe I should reread chapter 1... but yeah, Ideally, it has to be less vague. But it doesnt have to be in your face either. :)