Review Detail of LightningCatThief in Wizardry System
Review detail
Typical good start and then ****ed up. The Author tried to add mystery and excitement to break up the usual story line (going to NY to find an artifact) and ruined the story after ca. 20 chapters. His original characters are to weak to cary the story, which does not matter that much if you work with cannon characters or events, but is critical to new scenes. I know writing is hard work, but this is cruel to the readers. I am simply disappointed. Maybe fewer chapters would have been a lot better. Tip** for the Author: 1. Fanfiction by deffinition revolves around known characters. Use them to flesh out your story and cover your weaknesses. 2. Reincarnated/Transmigated MCs have an inherent knowledge advantage, use it(ROR, CoS, MMap, Kitchen, secret passages). 3. Rich powerfull MC makes for politics (MC's Dad buying broms without rich/powerfull rivals interfering? No aliances? Duel Club without MC's Dad or Lucius M. interference?) On of the best parts of the HP universe are the political undercurrents. 4. If writing about social situations is not your strong point, copy from the original, that is why it os fanfiction. 5. Strong MC needs his own antagonist/problems unique to him. Thanks for reading, good luck to the author.
Wizardry System
JeffreyDO
Liked by 40 people
LIKEReplies10
Alright thank you for your criticism. I know my fanfic is very superficial at best. Like you said, my political writing needs work as I've never written it before. I'll address all 5 points. 1) I'll start using the OG characters more. I wanted to differentiate myself before going back to OG characters. I suppose this was not so good from what you expected which I apologize for. 2) I plan on using the secrets like the Ror, cos, MMAP, and etc. I just needed time lmao. I wanted to include them later. 3) Politics like you said are my weakpoints and I acknowledge that completely and like I have said, I planned on including them a bit later when I was done with adding the new plots since I wanted my fanfiction to have something new. 4) I'll incorporate the original into mine! Thank you for the tip. 5) Antagonist will show up. Like I said a bit more time is needed. All-in-all, I apologize for making this not the greatest experience. I'm still learning and I guess I should've planned a lot more before coming into this. Maybe the "later" part is just complete excuses. Thank you for spending the time to address the flaws in my story and I'll try my best to solve it.
1 they hate u 2 your broom is nicer 3 it's the last broom 4 they are a di ck 5 I cant think of 5 Anyway they are lots of reasons 6 cant have u looking better than them as that will negatively affect how people view url Exp. If your family give u mediumly price stuff the guy with the most expensive stuff will look richer
50ShadesOfAss:Why would buying a broom matter to anyone ? Why would they try to stop it ? They are good points and I completely agree but I’m just confused on why dark families would car if they brought something
Denzel_theking:1 they hate u 2 your broom is nicer 3 it's the last broom 4 they are a di ck 5 I cant think of 5 Anyway they are lots of reasons 6 cant have u looking better than them as that will negatively affect how people view url Exp. If your family give u mediumly price stuff the guy with the most expensive stuff will look richer
It's like this. Use your usual chinese clichè, the silver bullet or gold canon attack. The character uses brooms to show their power, remember chamber of secrets where malfoy became the seeker by paying, and his dad gifted nimbus 2001 or something to all members, its like showing to the families that we are powerful, I mean, hey, they are still in the time of peace and everyone knows that during 'peace', the war was moved to economics.
50ShadesOfAss:Why would buying a broom matter to anyone ? Why would they try to stop it ? They are good points and I completely agree but I’m just confused on why dark families would car if they brought something
I think that's the Malfoy family(considering their family is known for being snobbish assholes) just being f****** Petty I don't think all the other families are like that
Ryuukage:It's like this. Use your usual chinese clichè, the silver bullet or gold canon attack. The character uses brooms to show their power, remember chamber of secrets where malfoy became the seeker by paying, and his dad gifted nimbus 2001 or something to all members, its like showing to the families that we are powerful, I mean, hey, they are still in the time of peace and everyone knows that during 'peace', the war was moved to economics.
Always happy to help and I know, but I have yet to find a way to correct mistakes in the app and it is hard to proofread long texts on a smartphone. I will try to do better next time.
Ahtu_Flagg:Your grammar/spelling here is worthy of some critique of its own. But, you made excellent points. Thank you for saving me from reading something I did not have the time and patience for.
