Review Detail of Eslyna in Haunting the Murderers' Chatroom(Hiatus)

NOTE THIS REVIEW DOES NOT STATE THE ACTUAL RATING AS IM NOT UPDATING IT AGAIN *This was a contructive feedback review to improve the authors writing and book, it will likely be different than what is stated if the author has fixed things* You need to read over your chapters more before u publish them. You are missing a lot of places where commas should be. There are lot of places where there are pauses, but it keeps going. Ex) C1 there was "but I call it home which" Should be a comma before which as it pauses when u speak it out loud. Try to speak in your mind or quietly as u check for edits. You also need to put space (enters) before new thoughts as sometimes it is not put. Ex) C2 first page the character put a thought. As this is a novel, you should enter a space after that sentance you put as it is a new thought, meaning new paragraph. If you must put stuff before thoughts or phrases use commas to connect the sentence and sperate setences, as it will usually create a new thought. Make your sentences smaller, from C2 onwards, some of the paragraphs were one block of sentance creating like 7-10 lines on my phone. If you must use them, do it only like once a chapter as readers do not like reading them. I have no idea what The Grudge is and Im sure others have theproblem too. I would do [1] after and explain it later in the author notes. I only read 5 chapters in so didnt complete it but the review has enough by now. Make sure to add more of the 5 senses you are writing first person, its suffering isekai effect where everything is becoming too 2D. This is why a lot of popular books are third person, hard to write first person for long stories. Also MC's reactions aren't realistic enough. Describe what hes feeling more and add stuff into his speaking like when he screamed, for example "St-Stop!! Please!..." Make paragraphs shorter and make sure to add commas. Would try to add some more emotions too in your old chaps before you get too far into it. Make it more realistic too, MC wouldn't think about why he is not noticng the spageti when a perfectly normal citizen is being kidnapped in a dark alley way. Also last one is just preference but I think you should change Ewan's name. It sounds like it was too forced to make up a fantasy name, or at least explain where it originates from. Lastly try to read past comments once in a while, you don't want to leave your fans/readers nothing when they ask questions or something. You should also explain the college a bit more as most dorms will make u sign a contract or agreement, the couple wouldve been kicked out a long time ago. Also for the chat group, you might want to make bigger plot as logically there wouldnt be one chat group as police can easily inflatrate by betrayers, maybe rephrase the words thay way it can still do the direction u want but mode plot more protected so readers wont think of things like I just did, so plot proof