Review Detail of Chryiss in deleted_book_

Since this story is only 7 chapters long, making a more detailed than usual review actually won't take as much time as I had originally thought. Writing: 3 Okay overall, but there're frequent errors, awkward phrasing, and misspellings. Firstly, incorrect/over-abundant usage of commas, especially when dealing with dialogue. - "Hey..!", I said - "It's Sara..", I replied - "What are you doing here?", he asked In all of these, if there is punctuation used at the end of the dialogue, a comma is not needed. Additionally, in this instance, the comma is not needed --> "Sar- It's you Sara!!!! Oh, my God..", the little asshole finally remembered me. --> It should be "...God.." The little... Since "the little asshole finally remembered me" is not by the speaker of the dialogue/quotes, then it shouldn't be connected to one another in one sentence but in two. - he asked, with excitement. Another unnecessary use of commas. Commas typically have three purposes: 1) At the end of dialogue with no other punctuation and is connected to a subject and verb. Ex: "Okay," he replied. 2) With conjunctions in sentences with two independent clauses. Ex: I love cats, but I also love dogs. 3) Pauses with 'complete ideas' or phrases. (This is the trickier one.) Sometimes this is also in the form of of dangling participles that have been fixed. Ex: While she wasn't the best at art, she still loved drawing. Forgetting about the pot on the stove, the mother tended to the children. In short, most of the errors are punctuational. Last example: - I said, looking at him, who was FYI fully covered with thick woolen clothes, while his face was as innocent as it was back then. Albeit with a thin beard. Revise to --> I said, looking at him. FYI, he was fully covered with thick woolen clothes while his face was as innocent as it was back then, albeit, with a thin beard. It seems that the use of extra commas makes sentences flow less fluidly and coherently. But generally, usage of some words and structuring of them is a little awkward. - he said as I moved past him, absorbing the beautiful interior design inside with a noise following to split my attention. "absorbing the beautiful interior design" doesn't make sense, nor does the "split my attention." Most likely, you meant something like this, "he said as I moved past him. I was absorbed in the beautiful interior design inside, but the following noise broke my attention." This is more correct because the subject I is needed for absorb to be clearly directed at the right noun instead of "him." Additionally, it makes more sense that the sound of the door closing would break one's attention from the design, not split. Misspellings include "heals" instead of "heels" and "me" instead of "my." I suggest getting a proofreader or maybe use Grammarly, but the latter alone won't pick up everything. Story: 3 Characters: 4 The jump of emotions in chapter one don't feel very realistic. Apparently they haven't seen each other for five years, but we get very little insight into their minds upon this reunion occurring. It does make sense that there's some awkwardness--the running out of things to say because they weren't as familiar with one another as in the past--but then Sara breaks this and acts very friendly. This isn't necessarily bad, but there's a lack of build-up before explaining why she chose to visit him. Even though he just popped up in her mind to visit, this feels more forced than natural as is the later sequence of events that follow with Frank groping her. Overall, the interactions seem forced by plot, and Frank switched from being somewhat stiff to daring. After being apart for 5 years where their earlier relationship didn't seem to be romantic (considering the tagging along of Frank after Sara, possibly a crush of his), this sudden move is unrealistic. But, to be fair, I suppose one's character could be like that, but Frank's character will have to be more consistent to make this believable. But as we move on, this whole situation gets smoothed over in way that makes it more acceptable to perceive as realistic. Frankie was just horny, and Sara asserts that he is not to let loose those urges on her. Okay, good. "I am a national level athlete in 3 different major sports and was at one point even in the Olympics probables." --> This sounds like a Mary Sue character as this happening in real life has a basically non-existent chance. The amount of training it takes to become national level in one sport, and even possibly Olympic level, is insane. Three is way overtop. Then there's the question of why exactly is she here visiting him and not training? Did she give up sports after being so successful? Why? Usually people who reach that level are really passionate; it's not just done on a whim because they have talent. Also, "probables" should be probably. The use of 👗 💰 emojis are unnecessary and makes the story seem less polished and very casually written. Sara's strong response to Frank's inappropriate touching makes sense. At times it felt a little too strong, but then again, she's doing the right thing when dealing with someone much younger than her (considering the point of life they're both in; it would be different if they were both 10+ years older). Frank acts a little too immaturely for his age, especially the barging into the room scene. He's young, but he IS 18. If he were one of those immature brats, this would make sense. But except for the touching, he doesn't come across as a brat at all. He actually seems more sensitive. Chapter 4. Frank's character is yet again inconsistent. Oddly enough, Sara is consistent. He takes the boyfriend facade over the top and creates a stickier mess of the situation for Sara. Either he's doing it as sort of soft revenge or teasing, and or he's disrespecting Sara's limits and rules again. On the other hand, perhaps Sara needs these more direct advances for the two to get together, but it can still be done without it. Okay, so this is an interactive story. Usually I would stay away from these to dictate the flow of the story, but you handled this well in chapter 5. I'm not so sure about the creation of characters by the readers though... This should be your story that you're writing, but it's a personal choice, so I'll leave it at that. (And maybe after the story is complete, you can write a more fleshed out version of it.) Updates: 5 World: 3 Needs more backstory and details of the settings. Overall: 3.6 The bisexual MC with her two "love interests" --although one of them is one-sided (Frank)-- makes for an interesting story. But the actual execution needs some polishing. Your strong points are Sara and Ashley's characters. I hope this is the detailed review you were looking for and that this helped~ Good luck, and keep on writing~!