The story doesn't immediately get you immersed into the world. Instead, it slowly introduces the characters and the plot. I wasn't too overly invested with the main character, or any character really. They were kind of bland, but the personalities are gradually developing, so I hope to see how they grow. One thing I want to point out is that, this story uses Asian names, but the world feels a bit too western. As for the writing, it isn't bad, but I feel like it's too distant from the characters. Try using a close 3rd-person POV. Imagine writing it in 1st-person, but then replace the 1st-person pronouns with 3rd-person pronouns. It's just a tip though, so don't worry about it of you don't want to use it. Overall, the story has potential. Keep up the good work!
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