Let's start with your writing quality. Maybe my standards are too high, but your sentences are too long (some parts are honestly unnecessary) and some phrases are misplaced. I suggest you read about grammar rules on misplaced modifiers. You should also edit your usage of punctuations, so you can seperate your long sentences better. You're also somehow using some words wrongly. For example in first chapter: "Is that anyway to talk to me? I remind you that without me you would be nothing!" You can rewrite it as: "Is that how you're supposed to talk to me? Let me remind you, you would be nothing without me!" There are more errors, but I'll move on to the next. Story Development. The reason why he died is because he wanted to end the contract. So they blackmail him, then they kill him and the reason is too shallow-- he wanted to end the contract. Since this is under realistic fiction, he will only be blacklisted at most or more blackmail will be used. To make it better, why don't you add more enmity for the main lead. You also didn't mention how he adjusted and stuff. Character design. It's a bit confusing to read since the personality of other's aren't that distinct. But it's okay. World Background. It's somehow clear. Overall, it's good.
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Hi. First of all, thanks for your review :) Thanks to point out my writing quality. I know I have a lot of work to do on it since it's not my first language. I'll try to be more careful. About the point of the reason he died, in fact I wouldn't say that they 'killed' him. Kim Chun Ha killed him. His agency didn't want kill him. They wanted he renew his contract with them. But Chun Ha consumed by rage push him and kills him. I already think to talk more about what happened later in the novel since something important will happen. But it'll not be so soon. I want to keep suspense about it. For the fact he adjusted or not... That's funny you talk about it because in like 3-4 chapters you'll learn about it. I didn't forget to mention it. It's just that chapters about it aren't released yet. After all, he is in this new world only since 2 weeks. If you have taken psychology courses, you will know that there are steps in adapting to sudden situations. 1- Shock: Numbness. They don't understand what is happening (This phase can be quick) * Our MC was there after he wakes up 2- Disbelief (Our MC is there): During the first days and weeks, we only see the positive. They carries on as before (Depending on the person, this phase can last a few hours, a few days, but also whole months. 3- Self doubt (soon): Reality bit, bringing uncertainty, frustration, anger and depression. 4- Acceptance 5- Experimentation 6- Search meaning and intergration I'm following these steps so it's normal if our MC seems to 'happy' or adjusted. But trust me, it's not the case. It's only an illusion. For character: Thanks to say it. I wrote some things so each of character have their personality but it's hard to see these difference now since the novel only start. But you'll see difference of each of them with time. Thank you again for your review~
nice, at least you've done researches.
He wrote again my first chapters to add things you say to me and convey better feeling of my character + how he adjusted. Could you read it again and say if it' better?
it's better now! only few mistakes here and there and its barely noticeable.
Thank you. I'll work harder :)
👍👍👍 love your work, please keep up the pace
I actually prefer: "Is that anyway to talk to me? I remind you that without me you would be nothing!" The only problem I see is that he forgot the comma before and after 'without me'. It is an appositive in the middle of a sentence, so commas are needed.
Then again, what do I know? I'm only in the eighth grade, not some professional editor. I might be completely wrong about this. It's just something I noticed when looking at the review.
grammatically speaking, you are right, but using anyhow or supposed might be more suitable than anyway. moreover, as an independent clause, i remind you is very awkward and there is no appositive in the sentence, you might have mistaken a phrase in the dependent clause as one. as you can see, without me does not modify anything. but anyways, nice meeting a fella grade eight here 😂😂
