Review Detail of Froschmo in White Queen Ascending
Review detail
Hiii~~ Fro is here~~ The story is interesting, a strong female character against the whole world. It is a good story, has a lot of potential. I like the scene of fight between the girl with a boy in the cage for entertaintment. It showed the girl's cruel side, and her madness after being locked up. But I think you could use more detail description in the way the girl pulled out the boy's eyes, like sound of tearing eye muscles, or spurting a lot of blood, you could also add some cheering or crazy shouting from the audience for their enjoyment. In the third chapter, you should add a more detail description in the fight between amias and the chasing guys to make them more interesting. There are some grammar mistake, the most ones is about mixing a past tense with present tenses. My grammars isnt good enough to comment a lot, but you should could use one consistent form instead for your story description, either use a present tenses or past tenses for all of them except the character's talking. I also add some comment in each chapters, you can check them. But overall this is really good story. Keep the hard work!!
White Queen Ascending
existing
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Your review hit every nail on the head. Hahaha I have been reading other novels as reference in how to write more detailed. The action scenes..are really hard to make! I tend to shorten them a bit even though I know that it would make it less interesting. I still need to work harder! Thank you for your generous review!!
True!!! The action scene is hard lol. Maybe you could descript the fire magic instead, shorten the fight but add more description in the situation, like fires was blazing in bright red from his fist as amias was punching the man's stomach as hard as he could. The flames was immediately blazed in vicious red and burning the man body in a flash. A tearing cry was heard from the man as he was rolling in the ground from the torturing pain or something like that description hahah. Sometimes I used a description of the character's feeling instead if I have a difficulty to write the action.
existing:Your review hit every nail on the head. Hahaha I have been reading other novels as reference in how to write more detailed. The action scenes..are really hard to make! I tend to shorten them a bit even though I know that it would make it less interesting. I still need to work harder! Thank you for your generous review!!
Woah!!!!! That's like giving me a GOOD SCRIPT already hahahaha. Thanks for all your ideas! I'll definitely learn from you. I really like your writing style it is superb!
Froschmo:True!!! The action scene is hard lol. Maybe you could descript the fire magic instead, shorten the fight but add more description in the situation, like fires was blazing in bright red from his fist as amias was punching the man's stomach as hard as he could. The flames was immediately blazed in vicious red and burning the man body in a flash. A tearing cry was heard from the man as he was rolling in the ground from the torturing pain or something like that description hahah. Sometimes I used a description of the character's feeling instead if I have a difficulty to write the action.
No prob, thank you for the praise! 😆 but corrected the grammar lol, I think I made some mistake in there, 'fires was blazing' should be 'fires were blazing' and etc pfftt, always wrong grammars 😅
existing:Woah!!!!! That's like giving me a GOOD SCRIPT already hahahaha. Thanks for all your ideas! I'll definitely learn from you. I really like your writing style it is superb!
Yes I've seen that. It was a minor thing. You could make a script for other people's novel, what is bad with a ****** grammar mistake 😂😂
Froschmo:No prob, thank you for the praise! 😆 but corrected the grammar lol, I think I made some mistake in there, 'fires was blazing' should be 'fires were blazing' and etc pfftt, always wrong grammars 😅