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Review Detail of Axicia_ in The Last Space King

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Axicia_
Axicia_Lv34yrAxicia_

First thing first, the meta stuff. There are some odd phrasing in the story. "Memories rush to his consciousness" Odd turn of phrase. Probably this is better as the simpler "He started to remember" "The fireball wasn't very fast, but contained destructive power." This is sort of a 'captain obvious' combined with a 'show, don't tell' situation. It's a techinique intended for attacking, so it would be odd if it doesn't contain destructive power. A better way to word this is say how the air becomes hotter, or the smell of smoke permeating the air. The -ly adverbs (toyingly, with the fire lizard at the beginning, is a notable example). Be careful with it. Battles are very descriptive, and the rarity approach... I'm not sure if I really understand it correctly. Do creatures get classified in the books with the different colors? What is the basis of naming rarities as colors? The system of using "understanding" is a pretty unique approach in my opinion, along with the 'summary' and 'comprehension'. From what I've read, the system in your story lends well to a non-linear progression, though that do remains to be seen. Other than my nitpicks, the descriptions itself is actually superb. The lines are witty and funny, for example, "You really do look better as a statue" did make me cackle for a good few seconds.

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The Last Space King

FrozenSynapses

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