Review Detail of yuhyeenie in What in this world! Oh... Wait a minute. It's another world.

DeJeL:Thank you for the constructive criticism, I thrive on such. I am poor in understanding where I went wrong in tense, so if readers can point out specifically whereas I went wrong, I will correct it, and as far as using "--scene change--" that's only for when there is a dimensional shift, there are many scene changes in the later chapters whereas I do not use that. and can you please help me more by telling me moreover of where I made an "Abrupt scene change"?

yuhyeenie:t is okay if you were making a script, but when you talk about a novel, it is not really that necessary to say the --scene change--. Just use spaces to separate or at least dashes to separate the scene to make it look neat. The reason why I said to avoid abrupt scene changes it is because of what i have seen in your first chapter. If you want to change the scene, think on how you will end it. 'Now I was just casually riding my bike, then looked at my watch "O Shit, I'm going to be late at this rate." Yes I'm talking to myself. I suddenly pick up the pace, and don't even stop for a red light then hear a city-bus's horn, I look and all I see is what looks like a hole or a crack, like someone broke the dimension. It is speeding at me at the speed of a city bus, then black.' I find this part like, really fast paced and it seems like you are really excited to go on the next scene. I suggest that you will patiently write the end of the first scene, make it hooking to the readers. My Writing: Currently, I am now casually riding my bike without even realizing on what time is it. Come to think of it, what time is it?! I quickly check the time in my watch, "Oh s***! I am so screwed." I cussed underneath my breath as I tried to pick up the pace, without even daring to look at the traffic light. And then, before I realized when the city-bus horned, I already took a hit and flew towards the ground. Looking up, all I see is that the world is slowly swallowed up by the dark abyss. Everything went black by then.' I don't know if you like my writing, but I think this the proper way on which you will make people curious on what will happen in the next scene... I hope this helps you :)

DeJeL:I think your advice is helpful, however, one thing I want to keep is the fact that he was on the bike one moment, then sitting on a chair the next, at-least as far as his memory is concerned. However, I may still make some edits according to your suggestion, and I thank you for the feedback.;,;.

yuhyeenie:t is okay if you were making a script, but when you talk about a novel, it is not really that necessary to say the --scene change--. Just use spaces to separate or at least dashes to separate the scene to make it look neat. The reason why I said to avoid abrupt scene changes it is because of what i have seen in your first chapter. If you want to change the scene, think on how you will end it. 'Now I was just casually riding my bike, then looked at my watch "O Shit, I'm going to be late at this rate." Yes I'm talking to myself. I suddenly pick up the pace, and don't even stop for a red light then hear a city-bus's horn, I look and all I see is what looks like a hole or a crack, like someone broke the dimension. It is speeding at me at the speed of a city bus, then black.' I find this part like, really fast paced and it seems like you are really excited to go on the next scene. I suggest that you will patiently write the end of the first scene, make it hooking to the readers. My Writing: Currently, I am now casually riding my bike without even realizing on what time is it. Come to think of it, what time is it?! I quickly check the time in my watch, "Oh s***! I am so screwed." I cussed underneath my breath as I tried to pick up the pace, without even daring to look at the traffic light. And then, before I realized when the city-bus horned, I already took a hit and flew towards the ground. Looking up, all I see is that the world is slowly swallowed up by the dark abyss. Everything went black by then.' I don't know if you like my writing, but I think this the proper way on which you will make people curious on what will happen in the next scene... I hope this helps you :)

DeJeL:In the aria you specified here, I have edited it, to keep the character's voice, but seem a bit more like what you showed me, please take a look and critique my edit.;,;.

yuhyeenie:There are still some mistakes in that part... im sorry you might be annoyed if I just keep on saying this TvT 'Currently I am just casually riding my bike, happen to looked at my watch-' = you should add a comma after the word "currently" and change the comma after bike into a period. Add "I" before "happen" to make it sound good... don't use the word "looked" because "happen" is a present tense, you shouldn't use a past tense when you are describing in a present situation. Edited version: Currently, I am just casually riding my bike. I happen to look at my watch. "O Shit,-." = Use the expression "Oh" and not the word "O". Please censor the vulgarity of the word like 'sh**' or 'sh*t'. Use exclamatory point (!) to emphasize it. There are still some mistakes in that part... im sorry you might be annoyed if I just keep on saying this TvT 'Currently I am just casually riding my bike, happen to looked at my watch-' = you should add a comma after the word "currently" and change the comma after bike into a period. Add "I" before "happen" to make it sound good... don't use the word "looked" because "happen" is a present tense, you shouldn't use a past tense when you are describing in a present situation. Edited version: Currently, I am just casually riding my bike. I happen to look at my watch. Edited version: "Oh sh**!-" 'Yes I'm talking to myself. I suddenly pick up the pace' = I can't explain this part so I will just give you an edited version: And.. yes, I am talking to myself.] (Add something comedic in this part or something a bit sassy or logical to communicate with readers since you are in a first person view) Example: And... yes, I am talking to myself. What? Everyone talks to themselves from time-to-time. The part 'I suddenly pick up the pace', it was quite abrupt, try slowly escalate the action in this part. Like, 'Slowly, I started to pick Also, please edit some parts in your chapter one, like the grammar and the likes :)

DeJeL:*Note* the 'I suddenly pick up the pace' is showing his impulsive behavior a little, how does doing it slowly do that? Hence I plan not to change this.;,;.

DeJeL:Ty very much. I do know I am poor with grammar, tho I do not always pick up on my mistakes, so i need them specifically pointed out to me to notice them. However, when I see mistakes, I will correct them. and I said "Parental Guidance Advised" because such language won't be common, but I do not plan to sensor it. Last but certainly not least, expect to see multiple of your edits, like the look rather than looked.;,;. Ty for your time.;,;.

yuhyeenie:It meant, to gradually pick up the pace or gradually make the movement faster.. because if you say 'I suddenly pick up the pace', it is not really that realistic and not a really suitable sentence to describe, in real life when we ride a bike, we gradually pick up the pace of the bike with great effort to make it faster... because you were saying that you were just casually riding the bike before you picked up the pace, so it is quite suitable to say, 'Slowly, I started to pick up the pace.' the word 'slowly' still shows how desperate he is to be not late. We have to slowly escalate the action to not be seen as abrupt... :)

DeJeL:I understand what you are saying, however, slowly to me makes me thing without much effort, so can you help me in wording of how to add something in the likeness of "I quickly stand to increase the speed of my bike as quickly as possible"? Because I think that such is the best compromise we could come up with.;,;.

DeJeL:I understand what you are saying, however, slowly to me makes me thing without much effort, so can you help me in wording of how to add something in the likeness of "I quickly stand to increase the speed of my bike as quickly as possible"? Because I think that such is the best compromise we could come up with.;,;.

DeJeL:Ty very much. I do know I am poor with grammar, tho I do not always pick up on my mistakes, so i need them specifically pointed out to me to notice them. However, when I see mistakes, I will correct them. and I said "Parental Guidance Advised" because such language won't be common, but I do not plan to sensor it. Last but certainly not least, expect to see multiple of your edits, like the look rather than looked.;,;. Ty for your time.;,;.

Friendless:You can download grammar checkers from internet to help with find mistakes (like a missed comma or mispelled word) I don’t know to many different grammar checkers, but Grammarly works pretty well (And it functions for inkstone).

DeJeL:I can not download anything that is not a google chrome extension, Using a public computer that only allows me to edit what extensions I have on chrome, and even that is limited to a minor extent.

Friendless:RIP Here lays an author without a grammar checker... Well, try your best anyways!🙂

DeJeL:I understand what you are saying, however, slowly to me makes me thing without much effort, so can you help me in wording of how to add something in the likeness of "I quickly stand to increase the speed of my bike as quickly as possible"? Because I think that such is the best compromise we could come up with.;,;.