Review Detail of Froschmo in What in this world! Oh... Wait a minute. It's another world.
Review detail
Yooo, Fro is here~~!! Ony one thing that Fro could say after Fro read your earliest chapter. I felt like I just took a ride on a super duper fast train and pushed through any obstacles upfront without care lol. I felt so dizzy and my eyes were hurt! Seriously you should edit your earliest chapter to attract more reader. It was too rushed, I knew you are trying to show it was first person's pov, but you should at least put some spacy and coma in each sentences. You also need put at least some description of the situasion/emotion because it felt too rush and a bit bland. For example in chap 2 or 3 (I forgot) when ernest (dawson father) met his son for first time, he should at least show a bit emotion. With your rushing, he seemed just "oh you are my son? Okay, then. End of topic, I dont care." It was just my interpretation, I dont ask for emotional meeting, just at least he should show some surprise or happiness after seeing his son who was separated by him for years. However I can see a lot of improvement on your later chapters and the story also began to form on its essence. Your story has a good potential, just your writing need an improvement. That why I said you should edit your earliest chapter to attract more reader. Honestly even I am attracted to this novel because of the title the title. There was just two thing that bugged me a bit. Instead using a name of character behind the talking, why dont you use the normal telling like your writing before? Like 'he said, carmen said, his father said etc' To make them more alive, put some description of emotion behind them. For example : "I miss you, carmen." I said to my beloved fiance as I stared at her with overflowing love. Something like that description. And then the second thing was about the image word you put each time showing something, I dont know if you actually have the images you mention, but since in the webnovel cant insert any picture and also there was some readers who was too lazy to check some images from some link (like me, yes! Definitely!), you should put some description of image instead just word like you mention. For me its bit disturbing. Well, enough of my rambling, I dont want to make you read a lot of my nonsense garbage. So I just want to say, this is really good story, keep your hard work. I see you have a lot improvement, I am sure, you will become even better in the future in your writing and put alive your imagination in your novel.
What in this world! Oh... Wait a minute. It's another world.
DeJeL
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the removal of the, he said she said, was per multiple requests. I do have the images, but I can understand... I am just terrible with descriptions, and they aren't crucial, so I didn't feel the need to exert myself there... And thank you I plan to.;,;. Thank you for your time spent reviewing this novel... I hope you continue to enjoy it.;,;.
I see, then you at least have to put the link for the image at the end of chapter or author's note, so reader can see them. Dont just put them on the notes at the begining volume (because honestly I didnt really read them because that was too much of spoiler.) Also for the word of he said, they said etc, I kind of understand why people request them. You really did bad about them in the early chap, however you did a good job though for the discription on the later chapters. It is really impressive improvement. Personally, I feel that just put character name behind the talking didnt felt like a novel, more like a drama script or something, thats why I felt a bit bugges by them. If you felt difficult about the talking description, you can use some action behind the talking. For example : "thank you, father!" I nodded gratefully. "it is my pleasure, young prince." Butler smiled. "Good morning, Father." I greeted with a smile. "Good morning, Carmen." I gave a kiss to her. "So now that we're done with pleasantries, were you discussing anything before I arrived?" I asked while taking my seat. "Nothing notable other than restating what's already been said." Earnest replied as he started the breakfast. "Hm?" I looked up at my father. "Oh, just that I wanted the three of you to start learning at the magic school." Earnest looked back at me. Some of kind these thing, you actually already done a good job about them, just need to place them correctly. So it didnt have to write 'said' word repeatedly, just use action.
DeJeL:the removal of the, he said she said, was per multiple requests. I do have the images, but I can understand... I am just terrible with descriptions, and they aren't crucial, so I didn't feel the need to exert myself there... And thank you I plan to.;,;. Thank you for your time spent reviewing this novel... I hope you continue to enjoy it.;,;.
I understand where you are coming from, but my brain automatically wants to put words such as 'said' 'spoke' 'told' 'mentioned' 'stated' and the like when writing dialogue, and the only way my brain forgoes this is when I use the style I see in Japanese LNs.;,;. so I let my readers take their pick, and more commented against the 'he said' 'she said' than commenting against the "hello" (Dawson)
Froschmo:I see, then you at least have to put the link for the image at the end of chapter or author's note, so reader can see them. Dont just put them on the notes at the begining volume (because honestly I didnt really read them because that was too much of spoiler.) Also for the word of he said, they said etc, I kind of understand why people request them. You really did bad about them in the early chap, however you did a good job though for the discription on the later chapters. It is really impressive improvement. Personally, I feel that just put character name behind the talking didnt felt like a novel, more like a drama script or something, thats why I felt a bit bugges by them. If you felt difficult about the talking description, you can use some action behind the talking. For example : "thank you, father!" I nodded gratefully. "it is my pleasure, young prince." Butler smiled. "Good morning, Father." I greeted with a smile. "Good morning, Carmen." I gave a kiss to her. "So now that we're done with pleasantries, were you discussing anything before I arrived?" I asked while taking my seat. "Nothing notable other than restating what's already been said." Earnest replied as he started the breakfast. "Hm?" I looked up at my father. "Oh, just that I wanted the three of you to start learning at the magic school." Earnest looked back at me. Some of kind these thing, you actually already done a good job about them, just need to place them correctly. So it didnt have to write 'said' word repeatedly, just use action.