Review Detail of de_writer in Ayumi

Okay so while this book has a really good plot, I feel the writing could use some work. The first part of chapter 1 feels a bit like an info dump - I'd recommend starting with the action scene (where Ayumi is being attacked), adding all your world building in between. Remember to show instead of tell. Also, while I get that chapter 2 is a continuation of chapter 1, half of it is just repeating scenes from chapter 1. Instead you should start where chapter 1 ended and move from there. As for dialogue, it's a bit weird how you've written it - Ayumi: "...". It would be better to do something like - Ayumi said, "...". This way you can add actions to dialogue and it makes for better story flow. Last thing would be grammar. You change tenses quite often - would recommend either using past or present tense (past tense is typically the better choice). Also be a little careful with your spelling. Otherwise you have a good story here. It has a great plot and a strong mc. If you work on it a little, you should have a great story.