Demogorgon69xd

Bro sorry bud I don't feel like writing anymore, hope those hints helped :)

I read the first 3 chapters but I introduced myself because this book just isn't for me but anyway you have a review of those first three chapters: These three chapters feel like a rough draft of every generic system-fantasy novel ever written. The plot is spoon-fed to the reader through lifeless exposition dumps, robbing the story of any organic world-building. The protagonist is a bland self-insert: overpowered, unrelatable, and conveniently knowledgeable about everything except what the reader also doesn’t know. There’s no struggle, no stakes, just a series of predictable events wrapped in a system’s bland mechanics. The pacing is wildly inconsistent. You jump between action, info-dumps, and melodrama without giving readers a moment to care about the characters or the world. Speaking of characters, they’re cardboard cutouts. Everyone is either delivering exposition or crying dramatically about some personal tragedy, and yet none of it lands because there’s no emotional buildup. The attempts at poetic scenery descriptions are misplaced and bloated, slowing the narrative to a crawl. Meanwhile, the dialogue is painfully forced, with zero nuance. The system itself? It’s just there to lead the protagonist by the nose, killing any chance for genuine suspense or clever problem-solving. In short, this feels like a rushed mash-up of ideas with no cohesive direction. Focus on building tension naturally, developing characters who feel real, and delivering exposition in a way that doesn’t bore your readers to death. Anyway, for the author, don't take this review badly but as an example to improve, and I don't want to be too mean to the author so I'm giving it a 4⭐ and hope it gets better.

This chapter is overloaded with clichés and clunky exposition. The protagonist feels like a walking trope: overpowered and conveniently knowledgeable, yet lacking any real personality or depth. The system quests and magical fox tribe lore are lazily dumped in massive chunks, killing any potential tension or intrigue. The dialogue? Painfully melodramatic, with zero subtlety. Characters exist to monologue their tragic backstories, and the pacing is as uneven as the protagonist’s supposed combat prowess. Also, bugs? Seriously? That was your attempt at humor or atmosphere? This reads more like a poorly strung-together checklist of fantasy tropes than an engaging narrative.

This chapter reads like a chaotic mess. The protagonist’s voice comes off as obnoxiously self-aware, which could work if it weren't paired with a clunky system trope that's been done to death. The pacing is all over the place—one moment, it's an info dump about status windows, and the next, it’s suddenly a sightseeing tour of fantasy landscapes. The descriptions of nature are oddly poetic, but they feel jarringly out of place and serve no narrative purpose. The stakes? Practically non-existent because the protagonist’s overconfidence in their secret combat training undercuts any tension. And the dialogue? Stiff and unnatural. Overall, it feels like a jumble of tropes with no clear direction or compelling hook.

The chapter feels like it's stuck in setup mode for way too long. The protagonist's internal monologue is repetitive and over-explains things that could be shown through action or dialogue. The pacing drags, especially when the main character rehashes their reincarnation scenario and family dynamics in exhaustive detail. It's like you're spoon-feeding the reader every single plot point, leaving no room for suspense or engagement. Also, the world-building comes off as generic—nothing here makes your fantasy world stand out from the hundreds of similar webnovels. It feels like you’re ticking off cliché boxes rather than crafting something unique. If this is the opening chapter, it risks losing readers before they reach anything interesting.

I read the first 2 chapters but I introduced myself because this book just isn't for me but anyway you have a review of those first three chapters: These two chapters have potential, but they are bogged down by significant issues. The writing struggles with pacing—important moments are rushed, while unimportant details drag on. The dialogue often feels forced and unnatural, failing to convey the intended emotional weight. Edward’s despair is overexplained, making him come off as more whiny than tragic. In Chapter 2, the transformation sequence is overly detailed, robbing it of impact, and the introduction of the "Lord System" feels like an info dump rather than an organic part of the story. The plot lacks cohesion, and the characters’ motivations are either unclear or melodramatic, which weakens reader engagement. Despite these flaws, the foundation for an engaging story is there. The exile and redemption arc has timeless appeal, and the Lord System offers an intriguing framework for growth and world-building. You’ve created a protagonist whose suffering could resonate deeply—if handled with more subtlety. Focus on refining pacing and dialogue, and trust your readers to pick up on emotional cues without over-explaining. Simplifying the system’s introduction will allow the reader to uncover its mysteries alongside Edward, adding layers of suspense. Keep going—every draft is a step closer to creating something truly compelling. Anyway, for the author, don't take this review badly but as an example to improve, and I don't want to be too mean to the author so I'm giving it a 4⭐ and hope it gets better.

This chapter tries to be epic but collapses under the weight of over-explanation and awkward execution. The pacing is all over the place—spending too much time on mundane details like setting up a campfire, then rushing through crucial plot points like Edward's transformation. The dialogue is cringeworthy, and the supposed emotional beats fall flat because the protagonist's reactions are either bland or exaggerated. The "Lord System" concept is drowned in clunky exposition that kills any intrigue, and the sudden introduction of mysterious threats feels forced rather than suspenseful. Overall, it's a messy, inconsistent chapter that tries to do too much and ends up doing nothing well.

This chapter tries hard to evoke sympathy for Edward but struggles to deliver due to clunky writing and poor pacing. The dialogue is overly dramatic and repetitive, making characters feel one-dimensional. Edward's despair is hammered home to the point of exhaustion, leaving no room for subtlety or emotional buildup. Grammar issues and awkward phrasing further disrupt immersion, while key moments lose impact due to rushed or unclear descriptions. Overall, the chapter needs serious tightening, more nuanced character development, and sharper emotional pacing to resonate.

Your reaction to criticism is natural, but the bitterness you felt shouldn’t overshadow the real opportunity here. A first novel is meant to be a rough proving ground. However, if you’re going to wear your inexperience as a badge, don’t let it become an excuse. “This is my first attempt” is valid context, but it risks framing the critique as something you’ll consider later rather than a call to act immediately. Improvement doesn’t start after 30 chapters; it starts now, in the very next paragraph you write. You say Theo isn’t a cardboard cutout in your head, but the story needs to show us this more clearly, *now*, not later. Gradual backstory reveals are fine, but readers still need compelling reasons to root for him early on. Right now, Theo reads as reactive rather than proactive. If his growth and purpose are coming “soon,” make sure you’re not keeping the audience in limbo for too long. Readers can only be patient for so long before they lose interest. Also, “show, don’t tell” is the right mindset, but remember: showing doesn’t mean withholding. If you’re aiming for mystery, that’s fine, but make sure it feels intentional and rewarding—not like you’re stalling for time. Acknowledging the tonal inconsistencies is a good start, but you need to act on it quickly. Humor and tension can coexist in a story, but the transitions between them need to feel natural. Right now, the shifts feel more like mood whiplash. If Theo’s personality includes humor as a coping mechanism, make it consistent throughout, not just sprinkled randomly for comic relief. The emotional stakes should also ramp up, with humor serving as a break rather than a detour. Expanding your world is a great ambition, but it’s not enough to simply promise that more is coming. The initial chapters must offer compelling glimpses of that larger world. Right now, the story feels confined to a few vague concepts and settings. Readers don’t need the entire lore dumped on them, but they do need more concrete details to ground them and to spark curiosity. A world full of factions, conflicts, and mysteries sounds exciting, but you have to show the threads of those elements early. reviews and to strive for improvement is admirable, but it needs to translate into action. Improvement can’t just be a vague long-term goal—it needs measurable progress. Readers won’t wait 30+ chapters for you to “find your footing.” They’re investing their time now, so your immediate goal should be to deliver improvements *now*. Commit to addressing specific weaknesses chapter by chapter. Don’t just hope to surprise readers eventually; aim to impress them incrementally. Your sincerity and openness to critique are your strongest assets, but they’ll only carry you so far if they aren’t paired with visible, deliberate effort. Your enthusiasm is clear, but it’s action that will keep readers invested. Recognize that each chapter is an opportunity to prove your growth, and don’t squander it 😁

1 Acknowledging room for improvement is a start, but this response feels empty. What exactly will you improve? Without specifics, it sounds more like a placeholder than a real commitment to change. What about the pacing of the chapter? The tone shifts? The character's inner turmoil? Your blanket agreement reads as if you're dodging engagement with the critique. To truly own the feedback, identify *which* elements you’ll focus on and *how* you plan to adjust them. Otherwise, the promise of improvement risks falling flat. 2 Let’s unpack the critique: action scenes aren’t just about physical choreography—they need to convey stakes, urgency, and character growth. When Theo kills the wolf, the scene should carry weight. Does he hesitate? Does the world slow down as adrenaline kicks in? Do we feel his internal conflict or sheer survival instinct? Right now, the scene reads as a clinical account of stabbing something. Sure, you describe sensations like the mushiness of the wolf’s skull, but it’s mechanical, not emotional. The reader doesn’t feel Theo’s dread, triumph, or guilt. To improve, weave in more visceral reactions. Use short, punchy sentences to ramp up tension. Show us his racing heartbeat, his shaking resolve. Make us feel the danger in every movement. Also, vary the sensory detail—don’t just rely on touch; use sound, smell, or even the oppressive silence after the kill to heighten the moment’s impact. 3 Bold promises are fine, but they mean little without groundwork. If you’re banking on the mystery to captivate readers, you need to earn their trust *now.* Vague teases like ancient runes or dead wolves feel more like bait than genuine intrigue at this stage. Readers aren’t just going to hang on out of faith—they need breadcrumbs that hint at deeper layers. Right now, your “mystery” risks feeling like generic window dressing. If you’re confident in the payoff, then start laying subtler, interconnected hints. Don’t just ask for patience; *reward* curiosity as it develops. Otherwise, this promise comes off as a stalling tactic.