Yesterday's Chrysanthemum

I opened my eyes as soon as my alarm rang. My heart was beating fast, and before I knew it, I was already catching my breath. The sound of my heart was echoing in my ears like it was at full volume. I grabbed my chest as I took deep breaths, in and out.

I've been in a car accident last year and it still feels fresh to me. Every time I wake up to the sound of my alarm, I always have panic attacks for a few minutes. It still reminds me of the ambulances' sirens and the chattering of the people around me while I was trying my best to crawl out of my car.

However, I don't remember how it happened. My doctor said it may be due to the fact that I acquired an amnesia, a bit of retrograde and anterograde. To put it simply, I can't remember what happened or how it happened. All I get are patched images of when I was being rescued.

That accident made a huge impact in my life. My hand tremors began to worsen day by day because of it. As a painter, my hands are important to me, without it I can't paint. It sucks, I know.

"Aziel, come get breakfast."

Someone's here?

I ran down the stairs to see whose voice it was. It was my best friend, Leo.

"How the hell did you get in here?" I asked and threw my slipper at him

"That's rude." He answered as he caught my slipper.

"You're rude. Barging into someone's house early in the morning."

"I made you breakfast so stop whining and shove those pancakes in your mouth."

I chuckled and sat down on the chair in front of his. I grabbed my fork and was about to eat when he suddenly cleared his throat. I looked at him and saw that his hazel brown eyes were looking at me with concern.

"What?" I asked even though I knew why he was looking at me like that.

"Do you-" he stopped midway and combed his long black wavy hair with his hand.

"..feel alright these days?"

He's moving a lot, he must think I'll react negatively at his question. I sighed.

"I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me. Besides, I haven't got any panic attacks lately."

Leo fixed his glasses as he let out a sigh of relief. Lying like this is uncomfortable but if he keeps looking at me like I'm someone who'll break at a single "how are you", I might actually pity myself more.

"That's good news. I was worrying over nothing." He said as he subtly smiled while looking at the pancake on his plate.

"You know what, let's just eat this low budget pancake that you made." I said to break the ice between us.

"That's your pancake batter stupid."

Yeah, I guess laughing like this is better than sympathy.

---

Leo went out as soon as we finished breakfast. He doesn't live with me but he drops by from time to time to make sure I'm okay. Its funny, I hated it at first but now I feel like I'm always looking forward to his next visit.

I'm walking towards the library , wearing just a hoodie and sweatpants, to read some books on how I could get better, especially my hand tremors.

I could feel the cold breeze grazing over my face. It messed my hair up but I feel comfortable with it.

"Good day, I see, you're here again." Keila uttered while handing me the books I've reserved.

"Where else would I be?" I joked and waved her goodbye.

She's the librarian but I feel like she's more of a friend.

I've been here almost everyday to research about my condition but I always end up finding the same information.

'Get therapy'

'Consult your doctor'

'Treatment sessions may help'

And more of those. But as a person who hates the sight of hospitals and doctors, I can't afford to do that.

This cycle in my life just drains me. It feels like I'm running in circles without having a destination. I keep wanting to paint, but the more I do, the more discourage I feel. What should I do if I have no motivation to continue what I used to love?

Before I knew it, the sun already set. I bid my farewell to Keila and head straight home. It's already 6pm. I ordered food, like I always do, and sat down on the couch while looking for a movie to watch.

My phone chimed continuously as soon as I charged it. It was my mom. I guess she needs money again. But what can I do? I don't even have any painting to sell anymore. I guess she'll have to figure it out on her own now.

--

After watching a few movies, its already 9:27 pm. I guess I should head to bed now. I have to atleast do something new tomorrow. I can't keep being frustrated like this.

I lay down and closed my eyes. Before I knew it, I was already asleep.

"Aziel" a sweet calm voice was calling out to me, but I can't see anything

Is this a dream? or I might be imagining things again.

"Aziel, follow my voice." a woman's voice called out again

"Who are you? Where am I?" I asked as I keep trying to look around

"Look for the tunnel of light. You'll find me there." She answered.

Her voice felt like a warm embrace. There's no harm in following what she says, right? This may be a dream after all.

After walking for a few minutes, I finally saw the tunnel she was talking about.

"Is this it? What should I do?"

"Go towards it, I'll wait for you."

I went to the direction of the tunnel. The light was blinding so I used my arm to shield my eyes.

"You finally came." Her sweet voice made my put my arm down.

I looked at the woman in front of me. Her long brown hair was flowing with the wind, just like her white dress. Her eyes were like emeralds under the sun. I've never seen anything as bright and beautiful as her eyes. She was smiling at me, it was so wide that I unconsciously smiled at her too.

"Hello, Aziel." She said and offered her hand to me

"I should give you a tour around my home." She added.

"W-wait. Who are you?" I asked but without realizing it, I already took her hand.

"It's me, Galene."

After that, she turned her back against me and walked while holding my hand.

"T-this is a dream right?"

She subtly chuckled.

"If you say so. I'm just happy that you're finally here."

"Why? I don't even know you?"

She stopped walking and faced me once again.

"Yeah, I know that. Its just that-"

I was waiting patiently for her to continue but her smile slowly faded.

"I'm really happy."

Her tears began to flow. I was about to wipe it but, surprisingly, I was crying too.

Then my alarm rang and I opened my eyes. My face was so soaked in tears, that I forgot how I usually woke up in the morning.

"Galene.." I uttered under my breath.

Who are you?