GOD'S TOYS - Death of a Sister

Not too long ago, Ruri Kobe used to be a sixteen year old girl who, with her bright eyes, looked forward to every silly little thing, like what lipstick to wear the next day or how to confess to her crush.

Today, a photo of Ruri's child-like, pretty features, embellished with a beautiful silk black bow, rests upon a black and golden altar.

The smoke coming from the sets of incense, neatly arranged on the altar, makes Ruri's smiling face look almost unrecognizable. To mirror the mood of the day of mourning, the photo has been turned into shades of gray.

In the memorial photo, Ruri's loose curls dance just over her shoulders and the school uniform gives her a sense of solemnity. And yet, Ruri laughs like she didn't know that death would claim her soon, too soon.

It seems like Ruri's ephemeral beauty wants to make a joke out of her short life.

Ruri used to dye her (boring, according to her) brown hair blonde, and because she had an eye for detail, she made sure that her eyebrows were painted of the exact same color, and perfectly shaped to bring out the shades of her hazel eyes, alive with mirth and excitement for the life that she has just lost.

All of these colors were not visible in the photo, but the people mourning her would remember her like this for many, many years.

Out of the crowd who gathered in the small room, Ruri's only family is her big brother, Dai.

A few days ago, when the police came knocking on Dai's door and told him that his sister had been murdered by her boyfriend, Dai refused to believe a word out of their mouth.

The details the police shared with Dai painted a gruesome picture; a lonely corpse left behind in a rundown motel, hidden away in the erotic district of the city, where people go to borrow moments of pleasure.

The boyfriend (murderer, Dai muttered) has been caught, and will be sentenced to death, most likely.

The young policeman said everything in a rush of words, with tired red-rimmed eyes but with no real emotion behind his voice.

Dai could only nod when the policeman offered him his unfelt condolences.

If the boy hadn't been caught, then Dai would have carried out the death sentence himself, fuck the law. That's what Dai said to the policeman at the door, who hurriedly offered his condolences once again and left.

The firm click of the door shutting closed echoed throughout the whole (empty and quiet) apartment, and the lonely brother caught himself staring at a picture of the both of them smiling at the camera.

What a sad sight it makes now that she is gone.

How unfair to lose the person whom Dai cared about the most, just as they were about to turn a corner in their life and leave behind their tragedy of a past.

Ruri and Dai left home when they were just eight, after their mother's untimely death; they had to run away from a drunkard father, who had abused their poor mother for as long as they could remember, they had to run away from a father who would have found a replacement in him or his sister.

Because of this, Dai brought Ruri up as if she were his own child and he's always been extremely protective of her, even though he was only two years older than her and only a child himself at the time.

At first, they had help from a distant relative and then, at fourteen, Dai began taking up odd jobs and helping out wherever he could. Within two years, Dai put aside enough money to rent a two bedroom apartment, renting it under their relative's name, who didn't care much that they were moving out on their own, so young and so misguided.

From a very young age, Dai enjoyed riding motorcycles and after a few years of working up the ladder, he finally started competing in the National Championship, which brought him better earnings.

When he was just six years old, Dai had entered his first competition in the Juniors' category, and ever since then, he's never stopped.

That's how he and his sister made a living, and that's how he learned how to be a parent when he was only a child himself.

The shocking news of his beloved sister's tragic death hit Dai like cruel lightning on a sunny day. Ruri was his sister, his child, the person he has always put before everything and everyone else, but the anger and the grief he felt slowly slipped behind the veil.

The grief can't get the best of him; Dai is the person every friend turns to when they need a shoulder to cry on or cheering up — Dai is the one who always has a ready-smile on his face.

That's why he can't afford to be sad, he can't break his mask and, for once, be the one who needs others.

As Dai walks up to the small altar they have put up in honor of his sister, in a room where everyone is in a black and white mood, he finds himself smiling at the memories and at the beauty she's still gifting the world with.

With all the calm in this world, Dai smiles at her photo, takes the cigarette out of his mouth, and puts it off right where the incense stick should be placed, holding it there for a few seconds to make sure it sticks and it won't fall to one side without the support of his fingers.

Everyone is wearing proper funeral attire except for him, who turned up with a black leather jacket, ripped blue jeans, a plain white t-shirt, and a pair of worn black boots.

Without so much as a glance in the grieving people's general direction, Dai shares a goodbye with his little sister, with a soft, soft voice.

"Goodbye little sister, smile and make everyone fall in love with you in Heaven," Dai's smile widens, as he speaks.

People with grim faces gather around him, only to give him disbelieving looks.

In their little mind, Dai is supposed to cry and make a scene, but for him there is no better way to remember her than smiling at her beautiful laughing face.

He wants to remember the good times only, he wants her to be remembered with a wistful smile, one that says: ah, I wish she were here.

And just like that, Dai walks out, not sparing a look to the crying people — no one in that room loves her as much as he does.

For all that matters, Dai doesn't even believe in Heaven or God, but he can easily picture Ruri in a white dress, by a clear river, coaxing out smiles and laughs from the angels. That's what made Dai say those words.

Dai doesn't believe in anything, not for lack of trying or for lack of faith.

One day when he was five, he prayed to God to come save his mother but he never did. Then, when he was six, he asked Buddha to show him the way, he never did.Dai tried Allah, and all the other Gods he had heard of too, but it never got better until he took matters into his own hands.

So, early on, Dai had decided to place all the faith his body could contain in himself.

If God exists, then people are only their toys and they love making humanity suffer — that's what Dai thinks of God to this day, but mostly he doesn't think about God at all.

The day of the funeral, despite his teachers allowing him for a few days to grieve, Dai shows up at school, on his faithful black Ducati Monster, fifty minutes late and with a cup of coffee from his favorite coffee shop.

As he climbs down and takes off his helmet, Dai smiles at a group of girls who are walking out of the school gates, giggling and eating ice cream.

Given that he is already late for the first period, Dai goes straight to find his two best friends, Eris and Nikki, who always go up to the rooftop whenever they have a break in between classes.

Eris is famous around school for being the smartest girl, and she dreams to be a scientist or a doctor, or both, one day. Dai is sure that her dream, to help people as much as she can, will come true.

Although very successful academically, Eris isn't lucky in the relationship department, and she rarely smiles.

As far as Dai is concerned, though, Eris isn't missing out on anything; teenage boys can be real jerks, himself included.

Yet, Dai always supports her every time she has a crush on someone or every time she shares her views on romantic love and whatnot.

Sometimes, whenever Eris feels particularly down and has gone looking for a potential date, she will complain to Dai about boys being shallow and demanding.

Dai will listen patiently and give her little pats on the head every time Eris is about to cry.

On the other hand, Nikki also is one of the most famous people at school, mostly because outside of school, he dresses like a member of a Visual Kei band. Nikki was also brave enough to come out as gay at the tender age of fifteen years old.

In his spare time, Nikki writes lyrics about all sorts of things, most of which are metaphors Dai doesn't really understand, but he never fails to encourage Nikki.

After all, Nikki is the kindest person Dai has ever met; Nikki can always tell when someone is feeling under the weather and he will go to any length to cheer them up — Dai loves that about him the most.

As soon as Dai's two friends catch sight of him, they get up to hug him, as tightly as possible, without accidentally breaking his ribs.

"Darling!" Nikki cries, "Are you okay?"

Eris doesn't say anything, she isn't good with comforting words; to put it bluntly, she isn't good with people. But it doesn't matter; Dai knows that Eris is always there for him, in spite of all her hatred towards the futility of humankind.

"Yeah, guys, I'm fine. I'm still alive, aren't I?"

Dai nearly laughs, hiding the pain into their warm shoulders, as he hugs his friends back.

With their teacher's blessing and understanding, the three of them skip the rest of classes for the day. Back on the rooftop, Dai and Nikki share a few cigarettes, while the three of them converse about life and death.

"This weekend, I have the most important race of my life," Dai says, in a non-sequitur.

The last race of the season (happening that weekend) could be Dai's chance to step up his game and go into the sought-after international categories. If Dai wins, that is.

"We know! We'll be there to wish you good luck," Nikki says, amidst circles of smoke.

Dai laughs and, for the first time in a few days, it's a genuine sound.

"And…If you win, you should totally fuck me," Nikki adds, grinning from ear to ear.

That makes Dai snort. "Sorry, man, not gonna fuck you."

Eris sighs dramatically, used to their antics. "Would you guys please just stop?"

The three of them have been friends since they were seven, although as different as they can be from each other.

Unlike Nikki and Eris, Dai gets along with most people at school and has a warm personality that makes it easy for people to admire him. Everyone wants to either to hang out with him or date him.

And yet, despite being surrounded by so many people, he managed to lose the most important one, his sister.

In his eyes, Dai has practically killed her himself.

With no time to mourn and the most important race of his life happening this weekend, Dai thinks the best option is to immerse himself in his part-time jobs and preparations for the race.

Whenever he rides, Dai feels alive again — like he can put everything, all the grief, past him.

It may seem strange that something made out of cold, cold metal is able to make him feel warm, make him feel good, like he has finally found a home.

Nothing beats the rush of adrenaline he gets whenever he's in first position and he's about to win, the joy he can experience when on the podium, as if all his sacrifices are worth something.

Dai's motorbike becomes part of him, fire burns within him whenever he hears the familiar rumble.

A heavy silence has fallen in between the three friends, all of them are deep in thought.

Finally, Dai turns slightly towards Nikki and asks them a question.

"You guys believe in God?"

"Uh, pretty sure you know I don't," Eris answers.

And she is right, they talked about this many other times in the past, but Dai is lost in reveries and seems to have forgotten.

"I think God is an interesting idea created by humans, I'm with Kirillov on this," Nikki adds.

Dai raises an eyebrow.

"Who the fuck's Kirlav?"

"God," Eris groans, sitting up properly and covering her face with her hands.

"God?" Dai repeats, knowing very well that Eris didn't mean it as an answer, "... is God Russian?"

"No, you idiot! He's a character in a book," Nikki says, exasperated.

"Oh right! You know I don't read much," Dai shrugs.

"You should. Why don't you spend your time wisely and pick up some books," Eris says, throwing a book at Dai and missing completely.

"Hey! No violence!" Dai sticks his tongue out at her, somehow resembling a little kid, all innocent and playful.

Time passes without Dai noticing, every day a copy of the other — uneventful, until the weekend of the race arrives.

Over the course of Dai's racing career, he and his sister had come up with some rituals to observe before every race, like good luck charms.

The day before the race, both siblings would wake up early and go for a jog together.

Afterwards they would head to the Corner Café to order a lemon cheesecake and a cup of Viennese coffee with cream on top.

Once full, they would go and meet up with the rest of the team. Depending on the weather, they would either walk a good fifteen minutes or they would take the bus for five minutes.

But now, Ruri is gone and Dai is alone as he goes jogging, he's alone as he sits at a secluded table in the café, he's alone as he walks down the street.

While he waits at the traffic light, Dai texts Eris to make sure they're coming to see the race on Sunday.

D: baby make sure you and Nikki come on Sunday alright! 

With earphones in both ears, a heavy metal ballad accompanies Dai as he waits for the traffic light to turn green.

The road is almost deserted, if not for a middle aged lady who is walking her dog — for a split second, Dai makes eye contact and catches the immense fear reflected in her big, abyss-green eyes.

A distracted driver crashes right into Dai's world, painting it the whitest shade of pale. Blood sprays all over the road, and Dai's world becomes a blanket of crimson snow.

The horrified middle aged lady calls an ambulance, in vain. It's too late.

Just a few days after his sister's death, Dai follows her into the darkness.