The Reincarnated MF

Shahzaib stared at his pathetic reflection in the grimy bathroom mirror, wondering how his life had become such a colossal joke. At 30, he was still a virgin, living in his parents' basement, and working a dead-end job at a call center. His receding hairline and growing beer gut were constant reminders of his failure to launch.

"Happy birthday to me," he muttered sarcastically, raising a bottle of cheap whiskey in a mock toast. It was 2 PM on a Tuesday, and he was already half-drunk. He'd called in sick to work, again, knowing full well it might cost him his job. But honestly, who cared?

As he stumbled back to his "bedroom" – really just a sectioned-off corner of the basement – Shahzaib tripped over a stack of anime body pillows. He cursed, kicking them aside and revealing a crusty sock that had been hidden beneath. He grimaced, realizing it was probably time to do laundry... or just buy new socks.

Flopping onto his unmade bed, Shahzaib pulled out his phone and opened his favorite dating app. He'd been swiping for hours every day, but his inbox remained as empty as his love life. With a sigh, he started swiping again, each rejection feeling like a tiny stab to his already bruised ego.

Suddenly, a notification popped up. Someone had matched with him! His heart raced as he opened the message.

"Hey there, handsome! Want to meet up? I promise I'll rock your world ;)"

Shahzaib's excitement quickly turned to suspicion. This had to be a bot or a catfish. No real woman would ever message him first, let alone call him handsome. Still, the promise of finally losing his V-card was too tempting to ignore.

"Sure," he typed back, his fingers trembling. "Where and when?"

The response came almost immediately. "Meet me at the old abandoned warehouse on 5th Street in an hour. Come alone ;)"

Every fiber of Shahzaib's being screamed that this was a terrible idea. But the combination of alcohol, desperation, and the faintest glimmer of hope overrode his common sense.

An hour later, Shahzaib found himself standing outside the dilapidated warehouse, wondering if he'd finally lost his mind. He was about to turn back when the door creaked open.

"Hello?" he called out, his voice cracking. "Anyone there?"

A figure emerged from the shadows – not the hot babe he'd been hoping for, but a burly man with a ski mask and a baseball bat.

"Oh, fuck," Shahzaib managed to squeak out before the bat connected with his skull.

As darkness engulfed him, Shahzaib's last thought was, "Well, at least I won't have to go to work tomorrow."

* * *

Shahzaib opened his eyes to find himself floating in a void of swirling colors. "Great," he muttered. "I always knew I'd die a virgin, but I didn't think it'd be because I was stupid enough to fall for a Tinder scam."

"Welcome, Shahzaib," a melodious voice echoed through the void. A figure materialized before him: a stunningly beautiful woman with flowing silver hair and eyes that sparkled like galaxies.

"If you're here to judge me for my browser history, I swear it was for research purposes only," Shahzaib blurted out.

The woman chuckled. "I am Celeste, the Goddess of Reincarnation. And trust me, I've seen worse browser histories."

Shahzaib raised an eyebrow. "So, what's the deal? Am I going to hell for being a pathetic waste of space?"

Celeste smiled enigmatically. "Not quite. We're offering you a chance to relive your life in a world of magic and adventure. You'll retain your memories and knowledge from your previous life, but you'll start over as a teenager."

"Teenage years again? Hard pass," Shahzaib grimaced. "My first puberty was traumatic enough, thanks."

"Ah, but this time will be different," Celeste winked. "You see, you've been chosen for our 'Sexy Protagonist Program'."

Shahzaib's jaw dropped. "I'm sorry, what now? Is this some kind of cosmic joke?"

Celeste continued, her eyes twinkling with amusement. "You'll be reborn into a world where you have the potential to attract multiple romantic partners. However," she raised a finger, "it won't be easy. You'll have to work for it."

"Let me get this straight," Shahzaib said slowly. "I get a do-over, but this time with magic, adventure, and the chance to live out every adolescent boy's fantasy? What's the catch? Do I have to sacrifice a goat or something?"

"No goat sacrifices necessary," Celeste laughed. "Though I must warn you, with great power comes great responsibility... and a lot of awkward boners."

Shahzaib pondered for a moment. "Well, it beats being dead. Or worse, going back to that call center. I'm in."

Celeste clapped her hands together. "Excellent! Now, before you go, you get to choose one special ability to start with. Choose wisely."

Shahzaib thought hard. "How about the ability to always last long in bed?"

Celeste facepalmed. "Oh, Shahzaib. You really are a lost cause, aren't you? No, I'm afraid you'll have to work on your stamina the old-fashioned way. But I can offer you enhanced physical attributes and magical potential."

"Fine," Shahzaib sighed. "I guess that'll have to do. But can you at least make me, you know... well-endowed?"

Celeste rolled her eyes. "Your equipment will be... adequate. The rest is up to you."

"Wonderful," Celeste beamed, ignoring Shahzaib's pout. "Oh, and one last thing. Try not to let the power go to your head, okay? We don't need another incorrigible playboy on our hands."

Before Shahzaib could respond, Celeste snapped her fingers, and the world around him began to dissolve.

"Wait!" Shahzaib called out as he felt himself being pulled away. "Can I at least get a cheat code or something?"

Celeste's laughter was the last thing he heard before everything went dark.

* * *

Shahzaib awoke with a start, his heart pounding. He blinked, trying to orient himself. Gone was the dingy basement and the smell of stale pizza. Instead, he found himself in a spacious, sunlit room, lying on a plush four-poster bed.

"Holy shit," he muttered, sitting up. "It wasn't a dream."

He stumbled out of bed, his legs feeling strangely long and unfamiliar. Catching sight of himself in a full-length mirror, Shahzaib's jaw dropped.

Gone was the balding, pudgy loser he'd been accustomed to seeing. In his place stood a tall, muscular young man with a chiseled jawline and piercing blue eyes. His hair was thick and lustrous, falling in artful waves around his face.

"Well, hello there, handsome," Shahzaib grinned, flexing in the mirror. He ran his hands down his abs, counting the well-defined ridges. "One, two, three... six-pack, baby!"

His self-admiration was interrupted by a knock at the door. "Young master," a female voice called out. "Are you awake? Your morning bath is ready."

Shahzaib's grin widened. A cute maid to give him baths? This really was heaven.

"Come in," he called out, trying to sound suave. The door opened to reveal not one, but three stunningly beautiful maids, each carrying various bathing implements.

"Good morning, young master," they chorused, bowing deeply. "We're here to assist you with your morning routine."

Shahzaib's brain short-circuited. Three gorgeous women, about to see him naked? He pinched himself, certain he must still be dreaming.

"Uh, yes, of course," he stammered, trying to regain his composure. "Lead the way, ladies."

As he followed the maids to the opulent bathroom, Shahzaib couldn't help but smirk.