Coming To (A Story Of the Ever-Changing)

I am the fourth child. I am the youngest child. The years have passed me by. At seventeen, I cannot dwell in the excitement of the upcoming event: turning eighteen. The thrill of permission to be in the big house. My parents able to kick me out whether I am right or wrong. Accountability? A true staple.

Twenty days until the days of being a kid fades. Funny, I am aware of my age without embodying it. My brain is wired differently. Sure I cannot confirm without proper brain scans and what not, but, the feeling is too powerfully raw. A person trapped inside another's body. Like a robot, I move the parts and watch myself perform the tasks. I shift so quickly the ultimate speedster would blush. Such a complicated rush.

With each day incoming, the only thing keeping me going is my faith in knowing that God has His plans. He always does. Of course, it is not the same for everyone. Through us, the LORD has various purposes for a variety of people. We are meant to carry out His work. Which brings up a question that I have. What about living your life? Your own decisions? Am I some sort of puppet?

Honestly...no. You can still have your own decisions. We were made individually after all. We just have to have God at the forefront. Our number one. The one we consult while encountering the trials and tribulations. Or, when things are great and the mood is high. It is about a relationship. This is not a job. God is supposed to be present at all times, but, that does not mean identity vanishes.

That having been said, changes do occur. I myself have had quite a few. The things I used to enjoy have now been altered for better. Some of the things I used to do before do not bring that same effect as it once did. From a young age, I have always believed that God existed. I would happily wear a cross necklace and proudly express that I was a Christian. My parents would remind us of what we should do and how to go about certain situations. I was content. I was so jovial.

Those days have long gone. The hard, cold truth pierced through me as I have experienced my high school years. As a kid, acceptance was easily granted. Now and days, caution is advised. In general, I would say that I am highly self aware. Highly. Therefore, I carefully go about my choices and actions. My recent baptism allowed for me to start over. To start fresh. I deal with the same problems, but the objective is to go to Him. He has all of the answers to the problems we face. To rely on God is not a weakness, it is a sign of strength.

He is the reason for our life. Since diving into this more deeply, the information reveals itself. I can safely say that I have grown from the naive mindset I previously had. Well, somewhat. Most of me has a difficult time catching up. I choose to fight against the old me to become the me God wants. Who that is? I have no idea yet. God unveils more when we try to connect with Him. While I cannot fully speak on our current relationship (privacy reasons), I can say I am trying to do as much as possible to reach out and do right by Him.

And that's just it. The bumpy road causes stumbling and random twists and turns. This is the true path taken to reach the satisfying ending. The spirit inside matures, rises, and hungers to be with the LORD. There were times I bawled my eyes out. Time where I yearned to scream at the top of my lungs until they bleed. The treacherous battle lives on. The mind, the heart, the soul. All need to be one. All need to be in sync.

At any given moment, the attack can come. Satan comes to kill, not to play. Without God, we do not stand a chance. His process is a cunning process. Tricks and slip ups sneak in so effortlessly. One day, all seems calm. The next swallows and sucks like a vacuum. How did this happen? How did it get this far? He knows. He always knows.

Fear used to rattle my bones at the mention of his name. Annoyance comes as a solid replacement. Seriously, I am mad and disgusted by his actions rather than triggered into being scared. Still, I do not brush him off. Satan is deceptive. Satan is destructive. He is probably ugly too, but minor details. The second he appears unharmful is the second he takes advantage. I am not an expert, however, I know better than to just let him be as he is.

Corruption flows everywhere. The little things become bigger if seen as nothing. Walking on eggshells is not the answer, but neither is carrying on aimlessly. The wicked devil, the painful lies of the people, the rotten hardships life throws in. Survival through God is the saving grace. Heaven is the real paradise. The real resting place.

A kid's world presents innocence. The progression exposes knowing. I do not regret what I know now. Despite the depressing comparison, I am happier to be informed of the truth thus far. Much more is to come. I have a long way to go before it is all said and done. That is okay. That is the point. God shapes and creates. He is the potter, and we are the clay.