18 The Shmexy Forest

It was dark inside the carriage, and we couldn't see anything on the outside because of the thick black curtains that covered the windows. Truck-chan tried peaking through the curtains, but she was warned not to by Hyde and Johnny. We were now attempting to crash a top secret Nuxturian assembly, and if anyone recognized Briggo, or Animak, or any of the others, the entire mission would be in jeopardy.

The ride was mostly quiet, but every once in a while we heard loud screaming, cheering, and chanting. The sound of fireworks was also a regular occurrence, but the more we traveled, the further away the fireworks faded until we could barely hear them at all.

After a while, the road became bumpier, and this made Truck-chan bounce up and down in my lap.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Birito-kun," Truck-chan whispered. "Am I hurting you?"

"Oh, no… no, it's fine, Truck-chan."

"Okay." She leaned over to whisper in my ear. "This is kind of romantic, isn't it, Birito-kun? We're going off on an adventure together, and you're holding me in your arms."

"I'm… I'm not holding you," I said. I could feel her warm breath caressing my earlobe. "There just wasn't enough room. It couldn't be helped."

"Yes, of course," Truck-chan said and winked at me. "It's okay, Birito-kun, I understand. I know you're shy and you don't want to express our love in public, but don't worry. We'll be alone soon." She then proceeded to kiss me on the cheek.

"Oh, there's that poking again," Truck-chan muttered as she turned around. "Being human is weird."

"It gets hard at times," Briggo said and chuckled. Animak and the Men of Culture just looked at each other and shrugged. They didn't know about her transformation.

I could feel my cheeks burn hot and I fixed my gaze to the ground. In that moment, I thanked God that we were traveling in the middle of the night. This was pretty much the worst possible time for Truck-chan to turn back into a truck.

"I think we're almost there," Animak said after some time. "Birito, Truck-chan, and Lube, listen to me carefully. I know that Nuxanor is an old friend of Briggo's and a former friend of mine, but he is neurotic and unpredictable, and the Edge Lords are the strongest Kink users in all of Nuxturia. Don't let your guard down, and don't underestimate the danger that we are about to walk into."

I felt a knot forming inside my stomach as Animak spoke. "Well, you know, we don't have to go in there with you. We could stay behind and serve as lookouts or something?"

"Nonsense!" Briggo proclaimed. "You'll all be fine. I'll make sure of it."

"Why do they call them Edge Lords?" Truck-chan asked. "Isn't that a stupid thing to be?"

"I think it makes sense," Hyde answered promptly. "Nuxturia's strongest warriors are tasked with watching over the outer edges of the kingdom, since those regions tend to be the most dangerous. This is why they're known as Edge Lords. It is a noble and respected position."

"Excellent, Sir Hyde," Animak said. "That ridiculous explanation annoyed me beyond words! I can feel the power flowing through me. Thank you!"

"My pleasure, Your Highness."

Eventually, the sounds of the city dwindled and instead of screaming and fireworks we heard owls hooting, crickets chirping, and leaves rustling in the brisk night air. The carriage slowed down significantly as the road became bumpier, and then it came to a complete stop.

The coachman informed us that this was as far as he could go, and we all thanked him before climbing out of the carriage. We found ourselves on a narrow gravel path. The city was far behind us and a vast expanse of wooded hills stretched endlessly ahead.

The coachman tipped his hat and headed back towards the city as the rest of us walked into the forest. It was dark, and the only light came from the moon and stars above. It only dawned on me then that this moon looked larger than the moon in my world, and its surface was smoother than the moon that I was used to. In fact, the complete lack of craters and imperfections of any kind on the glowing surface freaked me out a bit, so I stopped looking at the sky and focused my attention on the path ahead.

The smell of moss was strong. At first, we heard nothing but the rustling of leaves and the scurrying of small animals. But as we ventured deeper into the forest, we heard voices that seemed to be coming from the trees themselves.

"What is that?" I asked. "Are those trees TALKING?"

"Whaaat?" Truck-chan squeaked.

"This is the Shmexy Forest," Briggo explained. "It gets its name from the Shmexy Trees. They are sentient tree-like beings who like to yell sexual jokes at travelers."

"Wait, I've seen a tree like that before," I said. "Back when I was first isekai'd into this world, Truck-chan and I came across one of them. It freaked us out."

Animak nodded. "They are incredibly rude and annoying. Normally, they grow far away from each other and it's rare to find more than one or two at a time. Unfortunately, Nuxanor thinks they're hilarious, so he intentionally planted a whole bunch of them inside this forest."

"Wow, look at those honkers!" one of the trees called out and another whistled after us. They were referring to Truck-chan, whose ample cleavage was still visible through her unzipped tracksuit.

"Hey, baby," another tree shouted. This one had a deep voice. "You ever been in a Tree-some?"

"Girl, do you like birdwatching?" yet another tree exclaimed. This one's voice was screechy. "I'd love to show you my woodpecker!"

"These guys are gross," Truck-chan said, and I had to agree. They were beginning to annoy me.

"Hey, shut up!" I called out into the darkness.

"Just keep moving," Briggo said. "It won't do any good to argue with them."

All seven of us walked together in silence as the trees continued to shout obscenities. Eventually, we arrived at a fork in the path, and just off the path itself stood a large Shmexy Tree. This one had a feminine voice and an oddly shaped trunk with two round protrusions growing out of it.

"Hello there, boys," the female tree said. "Where you headed?"

We kept walking without a word.

"Long journey? Don't worry, I've got the perfect place to drain your snakes."

Animak and Briggo led us through the fork in the path. None of us turned to look at the tree.

"Oh, come on, boys," the tree called after us. "My sap is dripping all over…"

"Dear God," Briggo muttered. "They grow bolder every year."

By the time we saw the limestone cliffs that Wong-sensei had told us about, I was getting tired and my feet were killing me. The running shoes Animak gave us with the tracksuits were comfortable enough, but I wasn't used to walking this much, and I was already getting blisters.

As a result, I had fallen behind the others. As soon as Animak reached the cliffs, he summoned Slavic Queen and she leapt into the air to look for Nuxanor. I stopped to take a break, and that's when I heard it.

"Get to the Tower."

"What?" I asked and looked around.

"The Tower," the voice said again, and it was the voice of a man. "Get to the Tower."

At first, I thought it was just another Shmexy Tree making some sort of penis joke, but then I saw something move between the trees. It was the silhouette of a large, muscular man, and he moved quickly for his size.

"Hey," I called out to the others. Then I hurried to catch up to them.

"Yes, Birito," Briggo said. "Everything all right?"

"I just saw a man out in the forest. I think he was trying to tell me something."

"I don't see anyone," Animak noted, and the others agreed.

"Maybe it was a Shmexy Tree," Briggo said.

"No, the man was moving. He's gone now, but he said something about a tower."

"Tower?"

"He said 'get to the tower', whatever that means."

Sir Hyde shrugged. "It was probably a Shmexy Tree. And even if it wasn't, there are more important things to worry about. Isn't that right, Your Highness?"

"Yes," Animak replied. "Oh, here comes Slavic Queen."

Animak's Kink swooped down from the air and placed her hand on Animak's shoulder. As soon as this happened, Animak nodded and the Kink returned to the red aura from whence she came.

"There's no visible gathering spot for the assembly, but Slavic Queen did notice something. She saw a flock of birds flying above the trees, and then they suddenly disappeared from view, as if by magic. They appeared again later, but when they did reappear, they were on the other side of the woods."

"Stealth magic," Briggo said.

"Yes, exactly. They must be using stealth magic to conceal their meeting place. The birds disappeared because they flew through a magical mirage."

"Wow," Truck-chan said. "Mr. Emperor, how do you know all this? Did the flying lady tell you?"

"Something like that," Animak replied. "When she touched me, I saw what she saw as if it was my own memory."

"That is so cool!" I exclaimed. "Can all Kinks do that?"

Animak and Briggo both nodded at the same time.

"So how do we get there?" Briggo asked.

Animak smiled. "Follow me. The Edge Lords have traveled from far away, so odds are that they arrived at different times. There must be a way for them to enter the magical space regardless of when they happen to arrive."

Animak took us to the place where the birds had vanished. Just as he predicted, there was a palpable magical energy surrounding this area, and according to Animak and the others, there was no way to breach that barrier without severe magical blowback. If we were going to get in, we had to find the entrance that everyone else had used.

We scoured the perimeter for some time. Branches and leaves snapped and crackled beneath our feet as we stepped off the beaten path and into the thick of the forest. Then, finally, Sir Hyde called out to us.

"Here it is! This tree right here!"

We followed Hyde's voice until we found ourselves before a large, gnarled tree.

"I heard it sneeze," Hyde told us. "It sneezed, but it didn't make a sexual joke. This means that it's a Shmexy tree, but it's trying to blend in with the other trees."

"Nonsense!" the tree barked. "I am NOT a Shmexy Tree!"

"Then why did you just talk?!" Johnny demanded. "Normal trees don't speak."

"SHIT!" the tree replied.

"Why would a Shmexy Tree pretend to be something else, unless you're hiding something?"

"Ugh… no, I'm not hiding anything. I'm just a regular Shmexy Tree. Hey, you hear the one about morning wood?"

"NO PENIS JOKES!" Animak shouted. "You've been infused with a gatekeeping spell, haven't you?"

"What?! No…"

"If you're serving as gatekeeper for this stealth magic space, then you must offer us a way in now that we've found you. Is there a secret password or something?"

"I'm pretty sure you guys aren't Edge Lords. You're not supposed to be here."

"Oh, but we are honored guests, and we come from far away. You must give us the opportunity to enter."

The tree sighed. "Fine. What is the secret phrase?"

"Hmm…" Briggo breathed. "So it's a phrase, not a word. What could it be?"

Hyde and Johnny shrugged, but Animak looked pensive. "Yes, that must be it."

"What?"

"Johnny, do you have something to write on?"

Johnny nodded. "I've got my sketchbook." He pulled a small booklet and a pencil from his tracksuit pocket. "Here you are, Your Highness."

Animak took the paper and pencil and then wrote something down. When he was done, he handed the paper to Hyde.

"Read it aloud," Animak said.

"Sure thing," Hyde replied. "Megumin is a viable option."

"Megumin?" I asked. "Like from that Anime?"

But before anyone could answer, a magical doorway appeared right next to the Shmexy Tree. It looked as if a door-shaped hole had opened up inside an otherwise ordinary forest landscape.

"How did you know?" Briggo asked Animak.

"It's the one phrase Nuxanor knows that I would never utter… not in a million years."

Briggo nodded. "Well done, Animak. Now let's do this!"

We left the talking tree behind us and ventured into the gaping magical doorway.

"Whoa, look at that?" Lubo said and pointed at the sky. We looked up and saw that the trees above our heads were actually transparent. These were not real trees; they were magical projections designed to hide this magical space.

The space itself was a clearing in the middle of the forest, and up ahead we could see a large group of people gathered around a bright red flame. The people wore long colorful robes and strange crowns and helmets. Thick smoke billowed around the flame itself, and above the flame there was a giant human head.

"The Assembly already started," Briggo whispered. "Approach slowly. We don't want to spook anyone before we reach Nuxanor."

As we walked, we could see the giant disembodied head's lips moving. Its shrill, high-pitched laugh echoed through the clearing. Truck-chan shivered when she heard it, and she grabbed my right hand with both of hers and gripped it tightly.

"AHAHAHAHAHA! What a pleasure to see you all here, my dear Edge Lords! You truly are the best of the best… the Vanguard of the Fambase."

The Edge Lords cheered and clapped.

Briggo turned to me and Truck-chan. "Stay back here," he said. "Animak and I will go first."

I nodded and we did as we were told. Briggo and Animak continued to walk towards the giant head as Johnny and Hyde took up protective positions around Truck-chan, Lubo, and myself.

The giant head itself had a ghostly white face, wavy white hair, and piercing blue eyes. It looked more like the head of a demented cartoon character than a human being, and the shrill larger-than-life voice only added to the notion that Nuxanor was a clinically insane cartoon villain.

"Lord Jack, come closer!" Nuxanor's voice boomed through the clearing.

"Yes, Your Majesty," someone said. A man with thick glasses and what looked like a bicycle helmet with a horn sticking out of it emerged from the crowd and stepped towards the disembodied head.

"OH? YOU'RE APPROACHING ME?" Nuxanor's voice thundered, and the man named Jack stopped in his tracks.

"What?! Uhm, sorry, sir, I thought you said…."

"AHAHAHAHAHA! I'm only kidding, Jack. Yes, you may approach."

Jack looked shaken up and he hesitated, but then a woman with long pink hair emerged from the smoke beneath the giant head. She walked up to Jack, grabbed him by the hand, and escorted him to the head of Nuxanor.

"All right, Jack," Nuxanor continued, "time for your Honest Descriptions."

As Nuxanor spoke, Briggo and Animak were moving further away from us and closer to the crowd.

"You've done a fine job administering your realm, but I've heard rumours that Elves and Fairies are pushing for more autonomy in that corner of Nuxturia."

Jack got down on one knee and bowed before the disembodied head. "Yes, Your Majesty. The Elf and Fairy tribes had a rich culture before the establishment of Twigoslavia, and ever since the Great Incident they've been asking for self-governance."

"Yes, I see," Nuxanor responded, his giant head moving back and forth as if he was nodding. "I'm sure that we can find a peaceful solution. Those who meme together will stay supreme together, and those who flex together will reach apex together."

"APEX BOIS!" the crowd shouted in unison.

"Yes," Jack said and nodded enthusiastically. "It makes so much sense."

Nuxanor laughed. "But of course, Jack my boy! And worry not, I've already instructed Kor to travel back to your realm with you. He'll aid in your peacekeeping efforts and liaise with us back here in the capital."

"Thank you, Your Majesty!"

"AHAHAHAHA! How about that, fambase!? Wasn't that some freaking great advice? Not to toot my own horn ─ which is something that I would NEVER do, since I am extremely humble unlike the ruler of that other country that shall remain nameless ─ but I think that, objectively speaking, this was some of the best of advice of all time."

The crowd roared in approval.

"He's so humble!" someone from the crowd shouted.

"Thank you, Maaz," Nuxanor replied. "Not to toot my own horn ─ which is something that I would NEVER do ─ but I am basically the most humble person of all time."

"NUX! NUX! NUX!" the crowd chanted.

But then, the sound of the crowd was pierced by the sharp, thundering voice of Briggo.

"AND BRIGGS!" Briggo exclaimed, and in an instant the entire crowd fell silent. Everyone ─ including the giant head ─ turned to look at Briggo and Animak.

"Briggo!" Nuxanor cried. "What are you doing here?!"

"You heard the rumors about the Demon Lord?"

"Uhm, yeah, sure, but how did you even get in here? Wait, is that ANIMAK with you?!"

"I'm here to tell you that the rumors are true," Briggo proclaimed. "The Demon Lord's army is almost here, and we need your help."

Nux seemed distracted. "Animak, you mothernuxer. I didn't expect to see you here! Did you finally admit that she's a viable option?"

"HOW DARE YOU!" Animak shouted. "How dare you put the word 'mother' next to your filthy name!"

"AHAHAHAHAHA," Nuxanor laughed, but the Edge Lords in the crowd weren't laughing. They were on high alert and ready for battle.

"Hey, Johnny," I whispered. "I thought 'nux' was a curse word in Animakistan, not in Nuxturia."

Johnny nodded. "They're plagiarists, remember? As soon as we started using 'nux' in that context, they thought it was funny so they started using it too."

Briggo's golden aura flashed to life. "ENOUGH! Both of you, stop the pretty bickering. This entire peninsula is in imminent danger, and that includes both of your kingdoms."

Nuxanor sighed. "Hey, listen, Briggo. I love that you came all this way to see me, and as I told you many times, you are always welcome in Nuxturia. I can't wait to catch up with you, my friend, but right now I'm kind of in the middle of something. Can you come back tomorrow?"

"There's no time," Briggo insisted. "I've already mobilized my Chad Lad Pirates, and Animak has done the same with his army, but without Nuxturia we don't stand a chance."

Suddenly, someone stepped out from the crowd of Edge Lords. I immediately recognized him as Evanito, the man with the mermaid Kink from the tavern.

"YOU UNGRATEFUL CREATURES!" Evanito screamed. "Think yourselves lucky that he is giving you an audience tomorrow instead of 20 years from now."

"Oh, shut up, Evan." Animak muttered.

"NO! I will not shut up! Nux the Great and Powerful has spoken!"

"Evan, please, calm down," Nuxanor said. "Is it really that urgent, Briggo?"

Briggo nodded. "I swear on my honor as a Chad. We need to speak now, and I mean face-to-face. None of this smoke and mirrors nonsense."

"Actually, there are no mirrors involved, but fine… fine." Nuxanor's giant head turned towards the Edge Lords. "I'm sorry everyone, but I have to ask you to leave. We'll reschedule for tomorrow night. I know, I know, this is so sad."

The Edge Lords seemed surprised and disappointed, and they were grumbling amongst themselves.

"Only my personal guards can stay. Everyone else, leave immediately. You know where the exit is. See you all tomorrow. Yes, go on now, and don't forget to stay weird fam."

As the Edge Lords made their way towards the same gateway that we had used, they glared at us angrily. Truck-chan gripped my hand tighter and Lubo tried to hide behind us.

Once everyone had left aside from the pink-haired girl and four of Nuxanor's men (including Evanito and Kor, the two guys from the tavern), Nuxanor's giant head dissolved and the flame beneath it died out. Moments later, we heard rustling in the trees somewhere in the woods behind us.

We all turned. At first, we saw only a long dark shadow moving between the trees, but then as he walked out into the light of the clearing, we saw the man himself.

Lord Nuxanor.