6 Foster Truth

Waking up the next morning, I realised that I had spent a whole night dreaming of this boy I barely even knew. A foster child, what were the chances? As much as I tried, I couldn’t get that truth out of my mind. His reactions, his secrecy, all of it were just stuck in my head as if there was some kind of power glue in it. Our meeting, scheduled in the afternoon, disturbed me. I knew I had to tell him I know, but how? How not to pressure him with such a cold truth?

That same morning, Kayra and I went for breakfast as usual, though I believe my ultimate silence gave her a hint that the conversation with Aslam scarred me somehow. I avoided any of her questions hoping she would just think it was the presentation that was worrying me so much.

I’d rather not mention Jace’s strange behaviour, just in case he wouldn’t want everyone to know how he feels. I’ve learnt from my mother to respect people’s choices and privacy, although my unending curiosity made it difficult sometimes. I was afraid to ask him about it, afraid he might get angry, or just feel bad.

We were meeting at university for a change, hoping the privacy would help us stay focused, and serve as an opportunity to pop out the sentence. Although Kayra being here didn’t bother any of us, I didn’t want to talk to him in front of her. I figured he wouldn’t feel comfortable.

University was deserted, like every Sunday. I went and waited for him at the college cafeteria where he usually sits. If he wasn’t there, he was in the smoking area, which was quite weird since I never saw him smoke. He was always on his phone, but never smoking. Maybe he was like those once in a while smokers. I sat down on his usual hang out bench with all those thoughts in my head when he arrived.

He looked surprised to see me sitting on that same bench where he sits everyday as if I knew (of course I knew. I noticed by then) that this was his spot. He came to me suggesting we move to someplace cooler. The heat was dreadful. Nearly forty degrees and we felt like we were melting. The library being closed for clean-up, we decided to move on to the lecture theatres. A note on the library door mentioned them being open as study spaces. Alone behind closed doors with the AC on, what better situation to pop up an embarrassing question?

I remained silent during the first few hours, trying to focus on the matter at hand. Part of me was still stuck in what had happened with Aslam. It was unlike me not to talk, so I believe he noticed my silence. He kept looking at me from time to time, as if to check if I was about to say something or not.

The thing is, I didn’t know what to say, or how to behave. It was like finding out the truth had messed me up. Should I tell him I know? Should I just ask him? Should I be angry at him for not telling me? Then again, why be angry? I was no one to him but a casual friend and study partner. He had no commitments. He put his hand on my shoulder to wake me up from my thoughts.

Jace - Are you alright?

Me - Yeah, I’m just thinking.

We moved back to our conversation about foster kids, but my need to tell him kept getting stronger, to the point where I couldn’t hold it back anymore.

Me hesitating - Jace, I need to tell you something.

Jace - Sure go ahead

Me - I don’t know how to say this. I just don’t want you to get angry or feel bad.

Jace - Okay, now you’re scaring me. Did I do something wrong?

Me - No, no not at all.

Jace - So what is it?

I remained silent for a few seconds, wondering how I was gonna introduce the subject. He did try to reassure me, but the fear remained all along.

Jace grabbing me by hand, trying to reassure me perhaps.

- Look, you’ve said this much. It’s not like you can take it back now. Just say the rest.

Me - I KNOW YOU’RE IN FOSTER CARE.

Those few words that had been choking me were finally out. For a moment, my mind mixed up fear and relief, whereby I couldn’t tell which was felt stronger than the other.

He looked at me frozen in shock. I could imagine him asking himself how I found out, and I had prepared my answer for that. He slowly lowered his eyes, almost as if he was ashamed, or sad. I was shaking inside. Maybe I did the wrong thing telling him the way I did? Maybe I should’ve been a little softer on the matter. I figured out saying it at once would feel easier. Was I selfish? I gave him an apologetic look, hoping he would not lash out at me.

Jace, low-toned and looking down - How did you find out?

Me - A friend of mine mentioned it. I think he didn’t know that I didn’t know.

Jace - I see.

He remained silent again for a few minutes and so did I. I was afraid, and I think he was too. He must’ve been asking himself how to react, while I was asking myself how he would react. In the end, we both were thinking the same thing. I tried to apologise for being so blunt, but he didn’t give me the chance.

Me - Jace, I…

Jace, politely cutting me off - I’m sorry.

I was shocked. Did he just say what I think he said?

I looked at him, confused, for a while.

Jace - I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth. I was scared that you wouldn’t have been as friendly if you knew.

Me - Why would you think that?

Jace - When people find out, they either tend to run away from me, or to pity the poor little foster kid around the corner. People treat me differently, and all I wanted was to be a normal teenager, or at least a normal person.

Me - Jace I wouldn’t … , well I did pity you at first. But I mostly admired you.

His eyes suddenly diverted to mine. “did she just say admired?” he thought.

Well yes Jace, I do admire you. Now more than ever. Finding out he was in foster care was the beginning of everything for us.