1 The man before

*In the process of reediting the first chapters to a third party perspective and adding details. Do not be surprised to see a sudden change in writing style as long as this message remains here.*

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A beautiful spring day not too hot but just pleasantly warm. Children busily play outside with their family or friends, their joyful screams filled with innocence. Edwin Gwayne, one of the many patients of the hospital called "Saint Atrius's clinic" looks out of the window, still lying in the hospital bed. His breakfast lies before him, half-eaten or half remaining depending on one's view.

He looks at a child with a mix of brown to blondish hair, seeing him run around energetically. A slight painful feeling resounds in his hearth, he's unsure if it's the illness or his emotions. He looks at the calendar, ignoring the pictures of the football starts and instead focusing on the date two days ago. It says happy birthday ED with the familiar handwriting of his mother.

in the eyes of society the young man had become a full-fledged adult but deep down he knew he truly wasn't. His grandfather used to always say that age is just a number, experiencing the world is what makes one an adult.

'If that's truly the case... Than I have a lot to grow.' Edwin murmurs as he shifts his gaze from the calendar toward his food, trying to regain his lost appetite.

For 6 years now he's been in the hospital, bound to this bed. "An issue with his hearth" The doctors called it. Irregular patterns stemming from an unknown cause. A continuous analysis of his body was required and so he was hospitalized.

Edwin touches his cheeks and arms, they've always been thin and frail but now even more than before. 'Is this it?' The boy thinks as he absentmindedly twirls the soup. Was this truly everything that life had to offer him? To never experience? To never grow? At the end, it doesn't matter what he wished for. He used to make a lot of wishes when he was still hopeful and optimistic. Desiring everything he could, not thinking of reality. His wishes gradually changed throughout the first year, wishes of wanting to travel the world changing to those of hoping that the food will be something he likes. After a year, there were no more wishes. All the wishes were optimistic, optimism gave hope and hope gave disappointment. So the boy hoped for nothing and filled his days with nothing and expected nothing. It was easier that way, and time passed slowly but steadily.

A sigh escapes the young man's mouth, his curly hair in desperate need of a barber. 'A few more days.' He thinks, before he grabs the wedding card send by his older brother of 4 years. A family picture is attached from the wedding day… It seemed to have been a beautiful day. The smiles on the picture as bright as the sun behind it.

'Let's catch up… We will be back in a few days.' Is written at the end.

It's been some days since the Gwayne family had visited Edwin. 'They're busy after all.' He thinks, realizing that whilst his life has stayed still the last six years those around him were constantly changing, experiencing, growing up. His twin sister and close friends were busy deciding what they should study, or if they should at all. And they were not the only ones, his elder brother got married to a daughter of their father's associates. Something which led to the two businesses working closer together. Both expanding exponentially from a result at least if what he understood was correct. A pleasant change from the earlier days when their father's business was passionate but rather small, whilst the bills were quite the opposite. "A technological business aimed to aid institutions that did not truly change with the digital word." His Father would describe his work whilst subtly pointing toward the local church as an example. He and Priest Tomar especially worked closely together, discussing how to bring fate to the newer generations.

With the wedding card in hand and calendar nearby, Edwin feels his hearth causing him pain again? It's as if a small needle has found its way, randomly showing up whenever it likes. He grabs his chest, feeling his beating heart. That damned hearth and natural frail constitution. The reasons for his anguish, the reasons for his stay. And even worse, his only companion at this moment. It didn't always use to be like that, in the beginning evryone of the family, veen cousins he was unfamiliar with would take turns visiting him, but now they're all busy and away. Leaving the newly become adult alone, to watch life pass whilst they experience it. Another painful stab comes from his hearth as he gnashes his teeth together, dropping the wedding card as the pain takes over.

The stabbing feeling was as always short as he tries to reach the dropped wedding card. 'I don't hate them for it… It's just.' He thinks as he puts the wedding card against the window. Unfortunately, seeing a family play outside. A family that looks similar to what his own used to look like when he was healthy. A mother, a father, an elder son and twins one of each gender. Even their faces resembled that of his own family, causing unwanted memories and feelings to fill his mind. 'It's just…. Sometimes I wished I had more… that I experienced more.' He continues to look outside as the early dawn turned to the sunset. Was he being selfish? Was it so wrong to ask for more? The questions wouldn't help him feel better, only more bitter, so Edwin stopped asking questions. Allowing his hearth and mind to turn back to a familiar numbness and emptiness.

'Let's stop thinking about it.' He thinks as he prepares to sleep, grabbing the wedding card and placing it near his chest. The words 'Let's catch up' unwillingly creating a smile on the patient's face. His hollow green eyes showing the first sign of life this day.

He mutters a small prayer, putting his hands together as he was taught by the pries Tomar. "I know I only speak when I'm in need… or to complain about your trials. But please… I beg of you… no more trials… I can't stand them anymore." The sound of his voice turns harsher the more he speaks, nearly cursing at the end. It was a stupid thing to pray, or perhaps his lack of prayers were the problem. But the thing above has granted none of them thus far, and Edwin had doubts it ever would grant him anything.

Edwin remembers the word of Tomar when he ended up in the hospital, when Tomar taught him how to pray and began his weekly visits. He was crying back then. 'For what was it again? The verdict itself, or the tears in my parent's eyes?' He tries to remember the day he had at first could not wait to forget. The child cried that day, asking the priest why such a thing had to happen to him. He was a man of the cloth, a man of god/ If anyone had the answer it must be him.

Tomar did respond with his usual gentle smile, that unnerved the young boy then and still does to this day. For all the priest's goodwill and frirendly relationship with his father, Edwin always felt overwhelmed when Tomar began to show emotion, causing his hearth to ache more than normal. "It's one of god's trials, my child. For you, he gives hardship, so you're taught to endure thus given a chance to prove your faith and once tested…. you shall overcome, I have no doubt that he has great things planned for you. But remember, you must overcome... and you will." The priest said whilst cupping the child's tear-filled cheeks, either in an attempt to harden the resolve of the twelve-year-old or to soothe his crying. It didn't help… Only after a couple of years did the child understand what just how hard the trial was and yet nothing really changed. Every prayer was a selfish wish and each time Edwin felt dirtier, feeling like he was dirtying the priest's noble help, that he was dirtying Tomar's goodwill. 

"Let's catch up." Edwin mutters as he goes to sleep, grasping the wedding card. His eyes closing for the night accompanied by soft breaths and a soft beating heart and when night became day, the closed eyes were accompanied by a still hearth and still fallen breath.