Shadows Heart

The hospital always smells weird. It's not bad, just… hospital-y, like clean floors and medicine, with a faint hint of burnt toast because Nurse Carla always leaves her breakfast in the break room toaster too long. Beep-beep-beep goes the monitor beside my bed like a little robot reminding me I'm still here. Sometimes I wish it wouldn't—like, maybe it could take a nap too, just for a little while.

"Morning, Sao," Janus says as he pops his head through the doorway. His voice is soft, like a blanket. He always looks a little too tall in this room. "Ready for breakfast?"

I wiggle my toes under the thin hospital blanket and groan. "Ugh. Is it the oatmeal again?"

Janus smiles, his face kind and tired at the same time. "Afraid so. But I smuggled in some sugar packets." He pulls them out of his pocket like they're the most secret treasure in the world, and honestly, they kind of are.

"You're a hero, Janus," I say dramatically, throwing an arm over my eyes.

"I do what I can," he replies with a little bow.

After breakfast (which is slightly better with the sugar), I shuffle to the window. My IV pole squeaks as I push it along, its wheels going squeak-squeak-squeak across the floor. The sunlight pours in through the glass, golden and warm. If I close my eyes, I can almost pretend I'm outside, standing in the middle of a big, sunny field.

But then Oriel—or Hael, as Janus sometimes calls him—shows up, and it's harder to pretend.

"Sao," he says, tapping my shoulder lightly, just once. I flinch, even though I know it's him.

"What, Oriel?" I mumble, not looking at him.

"We're going to the roof."

I whirl around. "Now?"

He nods, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Now."

The rooftop is my favorite place in the whole hospital. It's not really allowed—Janus says the staff would "have a heart attack" if they caught us up there—but Oriel knows all the secret ways.

"Step here," he whispers as we climb the narrow staircase. His voice is quieter now, softer. I like it better this way.

"I know, I know," I whisper back, careful not to let my IV line tangle in my hospital gown. Thunk-thunk-thunk go our footsteps on the stairs, like a little drumbeat.

When we finally push open the door, the wind hits me like a big whoosh of freedom. My hair—long and wild—whips around my face, and for a second, I feel like I'm flying.

"It's so pretty up here," I say, running to the edge of the rooftop. Below, the city stretches out like a giant, messy painting. Cars honk, and people shout down on the streets, but up here, it's just us.

Oriel stands a few feet away, hands stuffed in his pockets. He watches me, not the city, and it makes me feel weird like I'm a butterfly pinned to a board.

"What?" I ask, crossing my arms.

"Nothing," he says, but his eyes don't leave me.

Janus appears a few minutes later, carrying a blanket he must've stolen from one of the hospital closets. "You'll freeze up here," he says, draping it around my shoulders.

"I'm fine," I say, but I pull the blanket tighter anyway.

The three of us sit on the roof in silence for a while. Janus points out the clouds—"That one looks like a dog!"—and I laugh because it actually kind of does. Oriel doesn't say much, just sits there, staring at the sky like he's looking for something no one else can see.

"What do you think it's like out there?" I ask suddenly, pointing to the horizon.

Janus looks at me, his eyes soft. "Out where?"

"Just… out there," I say, waving my hand at the city, the world beyond the hospital walls. "Do you think it's… I dunno, different? Better?"

Janus hesitates, but it's Oriel who answers. "It's the same," he says quietly. "Everywhere's the same."

"That's depressing," I mutter, kicking the edge of the roof with my slippered foot.

Oriel shrugs, a small smile playing on his lips again. "Not everything's bad, Sao. You just have to know where to look."

I don't know what he means by that, and I'm not sure I want to.

As the sun starts to dip lower in the sky, Janus stands and stretches. "We should head back before Nurse Carla notices we're gone."

"Yeah, yeah," I say, but I don't move.

Oriel stays seated too, watching me as Janus starts down the stairs. When it's just the two of us, the air feels heavier.

"Sao," he says, his voice low.

"What?"

He doesn't answer right away. Then, finally, he says, "You're different."

I roll my eyes. "Well, duh. We all are."

But he shakes his head like that's not what he meant. "Not like that," he says softly, and there's something in his tone that makes me want to run back inside and hide under my blanket.

Instead, I stand up and dust off my gown. "Come on, Oriel. Let's go."

For a moment, I think he's going to say something else, but he just nods and follows me down the stairs.

Thunk-thunk-thunk go our footsteps, and the sound is the only thing that keeps me steady.