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Scar : It's you

Ficção Científica
Contínuo · 64.5K Modos de exibição
  • 22 Chs
    Conteúdo
  • 4.4
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Sinopse

It’s a story about a 17 year old, Charles Kendrick. He lives in a dystopian world with his sister, Stella. He lost his parents in an accident and ever since it has always been Charles and Stella. A sudden death of someone turns everything upside down. He gets trapped in a cat and mouse chase. Except, it's the government and him. Fortunately, he makes it to the rebellion camp, where he thinks that life will go back to normal. Completely unaware of what’s going to happen at his “new home”. In the end, his choices pave the path for the chase. "Life is a big gamble, that we, with or without our consent are the high rollers. But, unlike the game, we don't have any power or control. It's all in the hands of the dealer."

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Chapter 1Nice to meet you too

Everything started to fade away. The blinding uncontrollable pain numbed everything else. Nothing made sense, my eyes, like an outnumbered soldier surrendered to the environment. I did not know what was happening around me. If only I could cease time and rewind to stop it all from happening.

Destruction smiled viciously at me. I never thought one small mistake would lead to all of this. It was all my fault. If only I hadn't chased after them. If only I never believed them. My eyes were fluttering like the tired old wings of an eagle after its last flight. The silence around me felt too loud at that moment. My mind and heart held onto each other like two soulmates trying to ignore the inevitable. The time was coming. They both knew yet they didn't. A very sweet melodious voice started echoing around me.

"The star shines in your eyes,

It's where the whole world lies.

It is a brown, deep brown.

An ocean where we wish to drown.

One glance at them shows the universe,

we just want the moment to repeat, to reverse.

Take us with you wherever you go,

we're always there for you, just so you know..."

******

Welcome my fellow mentally unstable specimen to my glorious world. I don't think there is a need to introduce myself. But for those who don't know me, my name is Charles Kendrick (my sister calls me Char Char at times, but you don't need to use that). I am 17 years old. I know you're probably wondering that I'm just like you, so there is probably nothing special about me.

Well, sorry to pop that bubble, but I became the villain of my own story. I regret it but one can't undo the done. I hope you will be able to follow my life's story. Before I tell you about how this all started I am going to introduce you to my family. Even if you don't want to know them, you still have to listen because I am the one who is writing this, not you.

Stella Kendrick is my sister and my only family. Basically, she is the OG bitch. She is three years older than me. I honestly think her bossy ass needs to get laid. Otherwise, she's going to keep bossing me around. Even though she can be a very annoying roach at times, I still love her.

She has always been there for me. She gave me a lot of love which I doubt anyone can give. My parents died when I was just a year old and my sister was four. We both were so young. With little or no sense of responsibility and difference between right or wrong. She, my sister, did something unexpected for a four-year-old kid to do. She started taking care of me. I owe her my life. If she would've not been there, I doubt I would have been alive. Life is a big gamble, that we, with or without our consent are the high rollers. But, unlike the game, we don't have any power or control. It's all in the hands of the dealer.

***

" Char don't stop now. We are so close to finishing it. Just one last step and we are done". Someone was standing in front of me. He was just there, staring at me. I felt something heavy in my hand, I was holding a revolver with one last bullet. As my mind was connecting the dots a gunshot disrupted the thought. Except, it was not me, but him. "Idiot wake up! I have been trying to wake you up for the past 30 minutes. What is wrong with you?! You will be late for training. It's your last year at Alpha''.

I got up from my bed. The air in the room felt different. A soft breeze passed through the room. Warning everyone. I know what is going to change, today we will be sorted into our final team. This team would be together for the whole year and let me be honest with y'all, I am not looking forward. People here don't make sense. They all want things that don't matter. I am sure you know what it means. Just because you stay away from them, they hate you. We all would love to act like it doesn't get to you, but sometimes it does. Boom! Suddenly you're questioning everything. Because no matter how much you try, hate comes free with the cost of growing.

I took a shower and changed into my camp uniform. Black trainers and a grey long sleeve nylon shirt. I know I know, you are wondering since when did I become so basic. Well, I don't have a choice. I went downstairs and packed my duffle. My bag consists of a bottle of water, a pro-protein bar, and the Keeper. A keeper is a watch sort of thing that monitors your every move and if you do anything that's against the law, somehow everyone knows. There are many different stories and each one scarier than before. When you turn 18, you are supposed to wear it and you can't take it off.

When I was 10, an eighteen-year-old took his watch off and the authorities got to know because of the sensors attached to it. We all were summoned to the arena. Don't ask why we have an arena. It looks very caveman style. But who's going to tell them? Not me, I am not trying to die over something so stupid. But back to that dude, before I tell you what happened, let me tell you I was left scared. They made him sit on a chair, out of nowhere a heavy gush of water was sprayed at him. Then, they did the most horrific thing, they attached some wires to his body and passed electricity through his wet body.

For the kids, let me warn you, never touch an electrical appliance while you are wet. Otherwise, girl, I'll see you in heaven. I still remember how his body was boiling in front of my eyes. His screamed were silenced with the wave of horror that struck me. No one, when I mean no one, no one deserves that. Before I end up taking a walk down the traumatic memory lane, let's move on.

I am going to a new camp, every year our camp is changed. Here I am, standing outside the gates of Alpha. The iron bars, as tall as a crane, were coiled with copper wires. They were so massive and noticeable that every new trainee was standing there and looking at them with awe. It had an aura of supreme authority demanding everyone's attention and respect. Chills ran down my body when I looked at it. It reminds me of a lot of scary things. But that's a story for another time.

As I was turning the doorknob, the sirens went off. All the lights lit up in the room. My sister furrowed her eyebrows while looking at me. She was about to take a step towards me when a very loud voice of a man broke the silence.

" Good morning everyone, I hope everyone is having a good start to their day. Unfortunately, much to our dismay, there's been a mistake. We thought that virus was just the ordinary flu. But our team of researchers has found out that's, in fact, it's quite a deadly one. But you don't need to worry, our medical department has shown great excellence and already created a vaccine. Tomorrow, everyone will be sent a time on their Keeper to go to the designated camp for vaccination. Until then, please stay at home."

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Epyonnn
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I'm not going to sugar-coat my review, so I hope you don't get too offended. Just know that I'm giving these criticisms because I want to help you improve. To start off, your story was a great opening. It captured my attention and made me want to read more. Unfortunately, (and this seems to be a common problem) there are numerous grammar mistakes. Always remember to proofread your work. I'm not an editor, so I won't point out specifics. Instead, I want to give advice on the actual story. The main character is interesting, but his tone of voice and choice of words are inconsistent. The syntax that you used makes him sound like some sort of a sassy girl, and I'm having a hard time taking him seriously. Additionally, the descriptions tend to shift between using contractions and not using contractions. I suggest that you stick with using contractions if you want to keep a casual tone because writing the words longhand can break the flow of the prose. The final thing I want to mention is the worldbuilding (and this ties into the plot and characters as well). For the most part, the world just feels like a basic post-apocalypse with nothing special. I have only read up to the fifth chapter in detail (I've skimmed forward a little bit), but I didn't find anything that distinguished your world from others. For readers, the biggest appeal for a post-apocalyptic novel is the setting, but if it isn't interesting, then I find it hard to keep reading. If you want, you can start by developing interesting characters and later giving more detail on the world itself. But, the issue is that most of the characters aren't interesting at all. I think that the issue stems from the fact that much of the words are taken up by the main character's babbling and exposition. The story would have been much more engaging if you had taken the time to show how different characters interacted and revealed their motivations. That's all I have to say, and I hope I didn't discourage you at all. I think your work has much potential, so I wanted to help you get better at writing. Keep up the good work!

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