Nightmares and Teaching Opportunities

Slowly, I slid off the bed to my feet and shuffled my way to the bathroom. I eliminated then stood braced against the sink to study the face I saw in the mirror. I knew my face; I knew there was more to this face. Was this his face? Was this her face? If so, why us? For what purpose had our bodies been blended to be as they are? I knew there was more to what had happened to us, but the memories were gone; or trapped. I left the bathroom on my own and followed the halls out of this healing place. I sat on the lawn just outside the doors.

The grass was soft and I lay on it. I let my fingers push through the blades. The feeling was familiar and I let go of my surroundings. It was just me and the grass. I was one being; one person; and this place where I lay was home. This was my place of belonging. I let my thoughts start to wander back to my surroundings and the form Tanus had. My body shifted to carry the willow catkins on my head, but neither gender appeared. I felt my body warm as the plant-like form absorbed the sunlight. The presence was comforting and supported the integration of the work Raiza had done. I took in one more deep breath and let out the rest of the tension with my exhale. I let my body shift back as I got back to my feet.

Each step back to the building was uneven, but I took my time in order to keep my balance. I paused in the entryway then turned down the hall opposite where my room was. I supported myself with the wall as I made my way down to Sheida's room. She was alone for now as she rested. Shuffling in, I pulled the only chair in the room closer to the bed before sitting and locking my fingers in hers. Sheida took a deep breath and settled a little deeper into the bed. The feeling of illness was no longer in her energy, but her body was still regaining strength. I remained by her side until I fell asleep, leaning against the side of her bed. I woke again to a hand brushing through the quills on my head. I was male again. I turned and looked up. Sheida was awake and sitting up.

"You've changed, Maaziah," she said.

"And keep changing, Sheida," I replied. "I can change to look like any of those working here."

"So then are you female or male when you change?"

"I could be either, or remain neither, as my original form is."

She nodded. "Thank you for healing me despite your weakness."

"You're welcome, Sheida. I'm grateful you've accepted my work."

"Me, too." She opened her arms and I stood to embrace her.

She held me close before touching out long noses together in a kiss.

We released our embrace and we smiled.

"What do you need now, Sheida?" I asked.

"Elimination then food."

"Alright."

I supported her to the bathroom then waited for the bell to ring before carrying her down several hallways to the food court. She kept hold of me as I gathered simple foods and greens to support her body in rebuilding her blood. Then we sat at one of the tables together. She ate a few greens before she held a piece out to me. I ate from her fingers then combed my fingers through her quills. She ate all of the greens and shared the rest with me. Raiza came as we were finishing.

"How are you feeling, Sheida?" he asked, before touching their noses together.

"Better, Daddy. Thanks to Maaziah's work."

"Maaziah?" He turned to me.

"The name Sheida gave me," I replied.

"It suits you."

"Thank you."

"Have you integrated the work?" Raiza asked.

"For the part we were able to reach. There is still more to address."

Raiza nodded. "How long have you held this form?"

"I don't know. I fell asleep as you found me and woke up like this."

"Has anything shifted since waking?"

"Not yet."

"Yaret was wondering if we could collect samples from you when you are changed like this so we can try to pinpoint what is causing your form to be unstable."

I shook my head. I didn't want to become an experiment.

Sheida set a hand on my arm. "They won't harm you, Maaziah. And Daddy wouldn't be asking if he didn't care."

"I can't," I said, standing. "I can't."

I left the food court and walked down the hall to a large open foyer. Window seats lined the windows and I sat in a corner on the far side of the room. I pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. Resting my chin on my knees, my form changed. It was a form I only saw briefly as several staff members tried to help me in the cafeteria yesterday. Light gray-brown fur covered my body. Whiskers spread out from my nose and my eyes had an orange glare in the window as indirect lighting bounced off of them. I was female in this form instead of the male I had been.

I pondered my predicament, noticing the different smells that the mouse people picked up on versus the porcupine people; just as the willow people got more from the sun than these other forms. Was I changing to be like these people because the blending of me with another was incomplete? Or was there a different purpose for them all together? I closed my eyes against the sunlight. Why couldn't I remember? I felt my ears vibrate a little as Raiza stepped into the sunny foyer. He stopped beside me, but didn't touch me.

"Nature is wonderful, isn't it?" he asked.

"Always has been," I replied softly.

"Have any of your memories come back?"

"Only the feeling that I am two people."

Raiza sat on the window seat in front of me. "Will you share these with me, Maaziah?"

"I was a girl. I was a boy. Something about our union triggers the pain I have been experiencing." I let out a breath as tears filled my eyes. "Your words told me… we now share this body."

"Are you able to talk to each other?"

"No. It's as though we are one in mind, body, and spirit, despite the gender changes."

"And yet your form bears neither gender instead of both, as I assume you would have if the two bodies were truly melded together."

I nodded. "I had both when I woke from the dream I cannot remember. Perhaps more will be revealed as we continue working on it with the techniques I know. Though in this moment, I do not wish to."

"Would you be willing to try later since you don't want us taking samples?"

"If I agree to this, know that I will be able to get you started, but likely unable to assist you in helping me through it."

Raiza considered my words. I could see in his gaze that he wasn't sure since he knew I had access to healing techniques these people did not.

"And if by doing this we may be able to better aid your healing?"

My body changed back to normal and I felt my guts tie themselves in knots. "Any amount of understanding would be worth it."

"Okay."

He helped me stand then embraced me. Almost immediately I turned into a female porcupine, relaxing in his hold. Both of our creative energies stirred, but I pulled mine up my Kundalini to assist the energy coming from his hands to settle my guts a little.

"I don't know how you've done it, Maaziah," he said. "No memories, waking to a place where no one is like you, and still willing and able to teach and assist the healing in others."

"All I can do is what I know, Raiza. Feeling comfortable here has allowed me to do that."

"Okay."

He released his hold and, a bit reluctantly, I allowed my body to shift back to its sexless form. We walked hand in hand to my room. I lay down and Raiza let me sleep. I know I dreamed, but they were lost when I opened my eyes. All that remained was pain, freezing cold and burning heat. I was back in a black room. I blinked a couple times before starting to roll over. I was in a white room lying on a black pillow. Healers I did not recall meeting surrounded me. But their motions let me know they had been doing their best to work on me. To calm me.

"Send for Sheida," an Ivy male said to a female deer.

She nodded then left the room.

I really had to eliminate now. I rolled to my side and a mouse male and porcupine male helped me up and into the bathroom. I was left alone to relieve myself and clean up a little before ringing the bell. A willow woman assisted me into a wheelchair then drove me down to the food court. I ate everything they put in front of me. Never before had plant protein tasted so divine. When I was done, I was taken back to the room and left to sleep. I woke again to someone tucking the edges of a blanket around me.

"It's alright, Maaziah. It's just me."

"Sheida?" I asked.

"Yes. How are you feeling?"

"I don't know."

"You'll be okay."

I shook my head.

"You will be," she insisted. "Try to sleep, we'll talk in the morning."

"Alright," I said.

I let my eyes close again and woke alone the following morning. I sat up, but kept the blanket pulled tight around my shoulders. I thought about the dreams I could not remember, unaware of my rocking, until Sheida lightly set a hand on my back. I shuddered, but made no other move. She rubbed her hand across my back and my head lowered. I cried silently. I was a monster. Who was the boy/girl I had been combined with? Who was I to him/her that our minds could be as one in our white, hairless, sexless body, and as our unstable body picked another form? Where had our memories gone?

"Maaziah, are you present enough to eat?" Sheida asked.

My rocking slowed as I turned my eyes to meet hers. Sadness filled her eyes and I wished to do something about it.

I nodded.