Chapter 58 (1/3)

"OI!" Naruto's voice calls out from the deck.

Ino and I share a quick look.

"I'm not here." I calmly say to her as I throw myself onto the hammock. "I was never here."

"What like I'm supposed to be up here?" Ino scoffs out with an undignified snort. "This is the last place he'd try to find me, he's gotta be looking for you. I guarantee it."

"ALVARCUS!" Naruto shouts again, this time specifying who he's looking for.

"Told ya." Ino smirks in victory at me.

"I'm still not here." I grumble under my breath. "Maybe if I ignore the problem he'll go away."

"Let's see how that works out for you." Ino smiles to herself at my antics.

"I'M GOING TO COME UP THERE IF YOU DON'T ANSWER ME!" Naruto is drawing a lot of attention. Some of the sailors, movie crew and even the Director are watching him in amusement. It isn't everyday you see someone dressed in bright orange yelling to the sky without getting a response.

"Dammit man!" I lazily roll over and poke my head over the side of the crow's nest. "Can't you get the message that I don't want to be bothered? Like at all? Ever? On this entire excursion?"

"Pfft like I care about that!" Naruto waves off my obvious hostility. "We're doing lunch! Shikamaru, Ino and me. We still need to find Ino though but she'll totally be there! Join us! It'll be fun!"

"No thanks." I pull my head back over the ledge. "Seriously I'm on vacation. That means doing things that don't stress me out. Too bad most of the things that stress me out are perfectly content with constantly bothering me!"

I may have been shouting for Naruto to hear me but I'm also starring straight at Ino. Get the hint, I want some me time. You know, where no one else bothers me at all? Including you?

"ALVARCUS COME ON!" Naruto whines louder than most people yell. "WE HAVEN'T HUNG OUT IN FOREVER!"

"Yes Alvarcus. We haven't hung out in forever. I think this will be good for you." Great. Ino is joining in on trying to get me to go do lunch.

"What do you call the entire conversation we just had? That counts." I point out. "We even had a nice little heart to heart talk. It was cute."

"That's not hanging out, that's… I don't know what to call that. But not hanging out!" Ino starts to tap her foot. "Do I need to threaten you again?"

"Probably." I admit. "I really don't want to do this. You can't use my female form though, Midori is off limits."

"I still need to get those clothes from you." She points out without lessening the tempo of her tapping foot. "But that's for later. Right now we're doing lunch."

Ino takes two steps forwards so she's standing right next to the edge of my hammock. Then she grabs the edge of it and a very sinister shadow dances on her face as she grins at me with evil intentions.

"Don't do it." I warn her in the most serious tone I can muster.

"Look out below!" Ino cackles and with a mighty heave she flips the hammock and me over. Unfortunately the other side of the hammock is right next to the edge of the crow's nest. So yeah, she literally flipped me off.

"YOU ASSHOLE!" I shout as a fall a surprisingly short distance of two meters, then all my downward momentum halts. I launched out a few chakra strings from my back, some attached to the mast and the bottom of the crow's nest while other's attached onto the deck and the cabin of the ship. I'm suspending myself midair. "The fuck Ino?! I was so comfy!"

"He can fly?" Fantastic, I can feel the Director salivating at my sheer awesomeness. I just made him want me in his stupid movie even more.

"I forgot he could do that." Naruto rubs his chin in deep thought. "What else can he do again? I know he loves chakra strings. Wait a moment, Ino? Was she up there entire time?"

"I'm not sorry!" Ino leans half of her body out of the crow's nest to look down at me. "Whoa. You're floating!"

"And you're falling." I playfully grin up at her as I change the final string I made, which is currently wrapped around her waist, into an earth whip. "How terribly unfortunate."

Her eyes go wide and I give it a sharp tug pulling her out of the crow's nest.

"ALVARCUS YOU BASTARD!" She screams on the way down. I even cackle crazily as she passed me, it was hilarious. Still though she's a kunoichi and landed perfectly on her feet. Though she was forced to a knee to spread out the force, like she just stumbled and not fell an insane distance. Then she straightens up and dusts off her coat and sends me an angry glare. "You come down here right this instant! After that you're definitely going to lunch if I have to drag you kicking and screaming! You owe me!"

"Uh… you threw me over first? If anything we're even now." She couldn't have forgotten that already. There's no way.

"Yes, but you are wearing pants. I on the other hand am wearing a skirt. You owe me." She crosses her arms to intensify her angry glare.

"True but under the skirt you're wearing shorts." I point out from my still suspended position. "You didn't give anyone a show."

"And you know that how, exactly?" Ino's tone changes from angry to livid. "Alvarcus Mar have you been creeping on me?!"

"Yeah that's not going to work. Ino your skirt is anything but conservative. Everyone knows you wear shorts under it." I don't let her obvious attempt at flustering me work.

"Damn I thought that would work. Seriously how are you always so collected? Nothing phases you." Her mock anger vanishes and she cutely pouts. "It's not fun if you don't react at all."

"It's not that I don't get flustered, it just takes more to fluster me. That's all." I should probably stop floating in the air. It's weird talking down to everyone. Plus all the pointing from the movie crew members and sailors is getting annoying.

Okay so it's only slightly annoying, it's very nice to get this much recognition. Even if it's only for a simple trick I have, this isn't anything truly impressive.

"Well how about this!" Naruto clasps his hands together in preparation for a jutsu. "All men throughout the world cry in defeat when they see this jutsu! It's unbeatable, no one has ever bested it! Sexy Jutsu!"

A cloud of smoke envelops his body and I know exactly who is going to come out of it.

"Alvarcus-kun!" A flirty female voice calls out as the smoke disperses. "Why don't you come on down here?"

Naruko. He's gone and turned himself into Naruko. Long blonde hair pulled back into twin ponytails. Luscious full lips curled into a seductive smile and wide playful eyes. And she's wearing absolutely nothing, she's being covered by thin trails of smoke that seemed to linger and keep the more… shall we say interesting bits hidden. Very generously sized interesting bits, Naruko is stacked.

"We can have so much fun together Alvarcus-kun!" Naruko flirtily calls out again and sends me a saucy wink. "As much fun as you want!"

"Hehe!" I let a wide lecherous grin form on my face. It's one that Jiraiya would be immensely proud of. "HAHA! YES!"

I let the strings holding me fade and fall all the way down to the deck. Unlike Ino I don't bend my knees to absorb the blow, rather I keep them straight and crack the wood in the process of landing. Whoops, oh well I made this trip more than profitable for the Captain. He'll forgive me. Then I extend out both of my arms towards Naruko, stretching my already massive perverted grin even wider.

"Come to daddy!" I wave my extended hands in a 'come hither' motion as I start to close the gap between us. "Yes yes yes yes yes! Oh we're going to have so! Much! Fun!"

"Alvarcus-kun!" Naruko happily skips towards me, mirroring my open arms.

When we're half a second from embracing I let my act drop. The goofiness and perversion that was on my face vanishes and it's replaced with something more sinister. Naruko's eyes widen in shock at my sudden switch from pervert to prankster but it's too late for her to change course.

"Gotcha!" I snatch both of her wrists in my own hands then start to fall backwards. This causes Naruko to be pulled down on top of me but we don't land chest to chest. Instead her stomach hits the sole of my foot, I propped a leg up as I tumbled backwards. Using the momentum from our planned fall I continue to roll backwards even after my back hits the ground and using the leg that Naruko is braced on I push her off of me. She goes flying through the air, over the side of the ship and crashes into the probably freezing water. I don't stop there though, I continue my roll until I've done a complete somersault to land on my feet again.

I fully straighten up and casually dust myself off to scores of shocked faces and one person clapping like this was the best show they've ever seen.

"That, ladies and gentlemen, is a move I call the cold shower." I bow to my audience. Okay so I'm a bit of a showman at heart, I don't deny that.

"Jura. Please say we got that on camera." The Director says out of the corner of his mouth.

"Hell yeah we did." Jura confirms. "From the moment Orange Boy started to yell up at him."

"Perfect."

"Alvarcus why?!" Naruto shouts from down in the water. "It's so cold! This is the second time you've done this to me!"

"If you were a good shinobi you would have landed on the surface dumbass!" I yell back to him.

"Oh. Right. I can do that." He says in embarrassment. A wet and disgruntled Naruto climbs back onboard. He's also shivering while hugging himself for warmth. "S-s-so c-c-cold."

"Alvarcus." I feel a light tug on my sleeve.

"Yes Ino?" She's the one tugging on it and she looks… off. Not angry, not perturbed, not revengeful. Just off.

"Thank you for disciplining him." She says without a hint of playfulness or joy. She's deadly serious.

"You're welcome." I dip my head to her. "I think? I just thought it would be funny."

I turn back to the wet and shivering Naruto. I was totally right, it's hilarious.

"And Alvarcus." She tugs on my sleeve again to draw my attention back to her. "Never do that again. That was so not you. Just no."

Is that why she's so off? Because of how I acted?

"What?" I question her. "The whole acting like a pervert to misdirect him?"

"Yes. That." She confirms with a forceful tone. "That was so out of character for you."

"But I am perverted." I tell her without a hint of shame. "I just keep those thoughts in my head. Most of the time. Usually. When it suits me to? Seriously though there's some freaky stuff that goes on in my head. I made a tentacle monster. A tentacle monster. That aint normal. Though I'm not sure what's worse, the tentacle monster or the whole 'I might have a domination and submission fetish' thing I did at the Chunin Exams. It's a toss up between them for first place."

I blame Orochimaru for that. He's inadvertently turned me into a masochist, I'm way too comfortable with letting someone I'm not threatened by wound me then using that to mess with their heads.

Unknown to Alvarcus, Ino and Naruto they're not the only shinobi present. Hidden within plain sight, or more specifically within the gathered crowd that is still watching the three shinobi mess around, Anko saw everything happen.

'Ino.' Anko thinks to herself. 'You have no idea how much fun you could have with him. It sounds like he's willing to try anything once.'

"I thought those were both acts?" Ino asks in surprise.

"They were but I had to get inspiration for them from somewhere." I tap my temple. "I'm not kidding when I tell you my head isn't the prettiest place. There's some weird shit bouncing around in there, some of it even makes me go 'what the fuck was that?' I creep myself out sometimes. Sexuality can be it's own weapon. Sure I tossed Naruto into the water for trying to use it against me but that does not mean I won't use it against my opponents. Hell Anko introduced you to the whole thing, or at least got you to step up your game. That coat trick is all about knocking opponents out of their rhythm. That's what Naruto's Sexy Jutsu is meant for and that's what I do too. It's just that mine are a lot more extreme." I explain to her.

"Really?"

"Yep. Pretty sure I'm certifiably insane at this point. You've gotta remember that I do have a filter, there are things I won't do or say. But you've heard and seen the things I am willing to say and do, so ask yourself this: What kinds of things are so weird or fucked up that even I won't do or say them? Not only perverted stuff either, I've thought of several jutsu ideas that I've outright told myself no, don't do that. They're so terrible and horrific that I shy away from them. Being able to use all five elements has really opened up numerous possibilities for me."

"I don't want to know." Ino decides. "Besides we've gotten off topic, I was thanking you for disciplining Naruto for using that outrageous technique."

"You don't have to do anything special." I wave off her thanks.

"I insist." She presses forwards despite my dismissal. "At least let me treat you to lunch. It's the least I can do."

"Well… I suppose I could eat." I accept her offer. "Sure, I'll take you up on that offer. Lunch it is. But that's it! Then you're leaving me alone for at least six hours! I've had way too much excitement today."

"Good! Now follow me." She turns and starts walking towards the cabin. "I don't know how you can stand being out here, it's cold!"

"Ino!" Naruto whines while still shivering. He's barely moved from the spot where he pulled himself back onto the deck. "We're supposed to get him to -"

"Shut up I'm doing a thing!" Ino cuts him off from finishing his sentence. "And you! Go change out of those clothes before you catch a cold! You're just standing there like a moron!"

"I think my feet froze to the deck." Naruto sheepishly replies.

"You're hopeless." Ino flings open the door to the cabin and sends me a beckoning wave. "Let's go. I owe you lunch."

"Sure." I follow after her into the cabin and the door closes behind us.

"Jura." The Director doesn't even ask a question.

"Oh yeah. Got it all."

"That kid is gold."

"Why does Ino get special treatment?" Naruto whines to himself as he's rubbing himself in a vain attempt to warm up. "He listens to her but not me? Come on how unfair is that!"

"You went about it all wrong Kiddo." Anko steps out of the crowd and walks over to the shivering genin. "Alvarcus isn't like you, he's not going to leap at every offer of social interaction he can. He's someone who needs to be pushed into it, at times he even needs to be manipulated into it. Especially so because he has decided to distance himself from anything to do with Konoha."

"But he always caves for Ino!" Naruto whines again. "Why is that?"

"Two reasons." Anko explains to the thick headed genin. "One: They know each other better than you two know each other. Earlier today he admitted to me that she knows way too much about him. He didn't seem particularly bothered by it though. How many times has she been inside his head? It's at least once - I've picked that much up from contextual clues - and I'd wager it's either two or three times. There's something that the Yamanaka Clan doesn't broadcast about their clan jutsu, they're very intimate. There's no secrets that you can keep hidden from a determined Yamanaka who has a lot of time on their hands. The best you can do is slow them down and that's only if you're aware they're in your head. But here's where it gets tricky, a Yamanaka doesn't view the memories from a third party perspective, they relive it themselves. They experience exactly what the person did. All the pain, pleasure, sadness, rage, happiness and all the rest of the emotions of each memory. I can guarantee you that Alvarcus has some very unpleasant memories and Ino has probably seen a few. But because she has she understands him better, she knows who he is as a person more than you do."

"Two: He subconsciously treats girls differently. He's inclined to give in to them easier and is much less rough and vulgar around them. Or didn't you notice that his cursing drastically drops whenever he's around girls? I'm pretty sure that's part of his upbringing, I bet his parents drilled into his head to always treat women with respect. Though he does still curse a lot when he's in combat, that rule seems to fly out the window then. He's not that way around guys at all, he's worse than most of these sailors. Sure he will still say some very outlandish things but that's only after he's known the girl for a while. Yet even then he's refined about it, he's not as crass as he could be."

"That is so unfair!" Naruto pouts, or attempts to. His shivering kind of ruins the entire image. "We're friends too! Shouldn't he at least listen to me?"

"Kiddo life is unfair." Anko sighs in disappointment. She's going to stick to just teaching Ino. It's a lot simpler that way. "You really should go change."

And with that Anko walks away from Naruto.

But there's a third reason that she didn't share with Naruto. Anko is very confident that Alvarcus has seen the beautiful young woman Ino has become. She's betting that there's something more… primal behind it.

Even if Alvarcus doesn't realize it himself.

'Hahaha!" Anko lets out a raunchy laugh as numerous scenarios run through her mind. "BOINKING!"