90. Insta-Gran

Insta-Gran

[A car pulls up into the Loud House.]

Loud kids: [looking through the dining room window] They're here!

[They run to the door and Lincoln falls down by his sisters.]

Lincoln: [To the viewers] It's a big night at the Loud House. Pop-Pop's coming to dinner and he's bringing a very special guest!

[Doorbell rings, the sisters open it, and Lincoln steps up.]

Pop-Pop: Hey, family, I'd like you all to meet my main squeeze, [brings his said squeeze to the doorway] Myrtle.

Rita: Nice to meet you, Myrtle! Let me introduce everyone.

Myrtle: Oh, no need. Let's see if I have this right: Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Laney, Lincoln, Lucy, Lana, Lola, Lisa and Lily.

[Lily laughs, while her siblings are just stunned.]

Lynn Sr.: [Amazed] Wow, in birth order! That's impressive.

Myrtle: Well, what's impressive is raising such delightful children. Albert, can you take my coat?

[The family gives a thumbs up, Pop-Pop winks. Later, they're all eating at the dinner table.]

Myrtle: Lynn, your food is just heavenly!

Lynn Sr.: Oh, you're sweet to say that.

Myrtle: Not as sweet as this corn! [winks in Luan's direction]

Luan: [Laughs at the pun, but then becomes slightly despondent.] I can't have any, because I have braces.

Myrtle: Well, the world better brace itself for your pretty smile.

[She and Luan laughs.]

Myrtle: Oh, Lynn Jr., are those your trophies? Pop-Pop said you were named MVP on six different teams!

Lynn: Well, technically seven but they don't recognize air hockey yet.

Myrtle: And Laney. Albert told me how much of an artist you are.

Laney: Oh, it's nothing really. It's just a hobby.

Myrtle: A hobby you are so good at. Can I see some of your artwork?

Laney: Well, I have been working on a piece for Pop-Pop. [holds up an acryllic painting of Albert] I call it: "Golden Years".

Myrtle: Oh, that looks lovely. You manage to make your Pop-Pop even more handsome than before.

Albert: Aw, shucks Myrtle.

Laney: You really think it's good?

Myrtle: Good? Why, be the most talented artist in world. [Laney smiles]

Lisa: Has my paternal forebearer familiarized you with my achievements?

Myrtle: Oh, you bet. He told me all about your fecal research. Impressive stuff.

Lisa: Would you like to see some slides?

Rita: Maybe after dinner, sweetie.

[Later, in the living room Lincoln is showing Myrtle his Ace Savvy comic.]

Lincoln: So this is Ace Savvy, and here's his partner, One-Eyed Jack.

Myrtle: Card puns? How clever!

[Albert comes in the room, with Lynn Sr. and Rita.]

Pop-Pop: Sorry to break up the fun, but Myrtle and I should get going.

Loud Kids: Aww!

Myrtle: I'm sorry I didn't get to sample your mud pies, Lana.

Lana: It's OK, made you one for the road. [Gives them to Myrtle] Don't forget to heat before serving.

Myrtle: Thank you for everything. Oh, it was so wonderful meeting you all.

[Kids say goodbye.]

Lori: Come back soon.

Myrtle: [Laughs] I might just take you up on that.

Pop-Pop: Isn't she great? Good thing I stole her away from Seymour. [With a slightly hostile tone] That hound dog had his eye on her.

Myrtle: Yeah, his left one. Buh-bye!

[Parents laugh, and the siblings talk about how they loved Myrtle.]

Lisa: Myrtle, wait! My fecal slides!

[Trips on the stairs, dropping her fecal slides, much to the horror of her family, except for Lana, who was at the bottom of the stairs.]

Siblings and Parents: AAAH!

[Cuts to the outside of the house, where a loud crash is heard.]

[The next day, the siblings are coming home from school and are surprised to find Myrtle vacuuming the living room.]

Myrtle: Oh, hi fam! I found your hide-a-key!

Luna: [Confused] Uh, wasn't it under the thorn bushes?

Laney: Ouch.

Myrtle: Also, I found your bandages. [Shows her arms, which are very scratched up.] couldn't wait to get back over here and spend some more time with my 12 new grandkids. Speaking of which, surprise! I made these with my glue gun.

[Pulls out a homemade sweater.]

Lisa: [reading sweater] "Life is sweeter with a Gran-Gran"? Was your room well-ventilated when you worked with this glue?

Laney: Well, I like it. And I also like calling you Gran-Gran.

Myrtle: Aww, thank you Laney. Here! [Myrtle puts the sweater on the kids]

Laney: Umm... little itchy. But I like it. [Scratches herself]

Myrtle: Aw, you look so cute! Now come on, I have even more surprises!

[Lucy opens up her room, and sees that Myrtle colored it in her least favorite color.]

Lucy: [hisses] What have you done with my cobwebs?

Myrtle: Oh, sweetie. I tore them all down because they had spiders in them!

Lucy: Yes, Elijah, Amaria, and Little Jojo. May they rest in peace.

[Lays down on her bed.]

Laney: Um, Lucy doesn't really like pink.

Myrtle: Oh, Laney. Don't think I've forgotten about you. Look in your bunk. [Laney climbs up and sees a red blanket and frilly pillows and her pictures on the wall]

Laney: [gasps] Myrtle! Did you put all my paintings here?

Myrtle: Of course, Laney dear. You're pictures look so lovely I put it on your wall so you can see while you sleep.

Laney: Oh, that's so wonderful! [gasps] Is that cashmere?

Myrtle: I made it myself.

Lynn: Uh, where are my lucky jerseys? They should be in a big messy pile right here.

Myrtle: I took 'em to the dry cleaners. They got every last stain out.

Lynn: Oh, so everything that made them lucky.

Myrtle: Well, who needs luck when you have talent like yours?

[Later, Lisa is holding a conference call with some fellow scientists.]

Lisa: In conclusion, I have identified the necessary isotope for the- [Gets cut off by Myrtle.]

Myrtle: Oh, you're talking to your little science friends? Hi, I'm Lisa's Gran-Gran.

Lisa: Yes. We're in the middle of something important right now, perhaps you could excuse us?

Myrtle: Oh, you know what, you just do your thing like I'm not even here, and I'll just be tidying up!

Lisa: [growing nervous] I prefer you don't!

Myrtle: Ooh, these beakers are full of gunk!

Lisa: NO, WAIT! [explodes, crowd gasps]

[Later, Myrtle is giving Lincoln a haircut in the bathroom.]

Lincoln: I usually have a barber do this.

Myrtle: Well, why pay a stranger when you've got a Gran-Gran? There, [Lincoln comes out of the bathroom with a bowl cut, similar to Liam's.] You look so handsome!

Luan: That haircut really bowls me over.

[Later, in the twins' room.]

Myrtle: Spit shine! [Licks her thumbs, and 'cleans' the twins' faces.] Ah, there. No mud, no make-up, just sparkling faces that I could eat right now with some steak sauce. Om-nom-nom-nom.

[Once Myrtle leaves the room, Lola powder puffs herself, and Lana mud pies herself. Later, in the living room.]

Lori: Um, what happened to our episodes of "Nail Polish Wars"?

[Myrtle pops up behind them, Lori and Leni scream.]

Myrtle: Oh, I deleted those. Yeah, see, the language is just so negative.

[Leni and Lori facepalm. Later, Myrtle is in her car.]

Myrtle: Adios, grandbabies! See you real soon! [Drives away]

Lucy: That woman is a nightmare.

Lynn: No way I'm calling her Gran-Gran.

Lola: It gets worse! Look, she left her day planner.

[Everyone looks]

Lynn: [Gasps in shock] She's coming to all my games for the rest of the season?!

Laney: She's coming to my pottery class. How sweet.

Lisa: My conference in Sweden?! How did she get clearance?!

Lori: She's coming on my next date with Bobby?!

Lincoln: We have to do something. We can't live like this!

Luna: [Pulls out a ski mask] You especially can't, brah. [Lincoln puts the mask on.]

Laney: Come on, guys, don't be like that. Myrtle's just being like this because she loves us too much. I mean, just a few hours ago, she made me this picture of me and her. [Shows them the painting]

Lincoln: Laney! How can you stand all of this smothering? Myrtle gave me a bowl cut!

Laney: [giggles] That is very funny. But nontheless, we need to respect Pop pop's girlfriend. There's nothing we can do to change this.

Lola: Well, there is one thing we could do: Break them up.

[Siblings protest]

Lana: Lola!

Leni: That's terrible!

Luan: Is it though? I mean, Pop-Pop is such an awesome guy! Should he really settle for someone like Myrtle?

Laney: What!?

Lisa: She has a point.

Lori: Well, even if we wanted to do that, how would we?

Lincoln: I might have an idea. Remember when Pop-Pop said that Seymour had his eye on Myrtle?

Lana: Yeah, the left one.

Lincoln: Maybe that's our answer!

Laney: You're asking me to help you guys break up Pop Pop and Myrtle!? No way!

Lori: Come on, Laney. You've got to be tired of all of Myrtle's somthering by now.

Laney: I'm not! I'm really not! Unlike you guys I like Myrtle and I don't mind the smothering. And she makes the best cookies, too! And I won't let you stand in the way of grampa's new realtionship... [Zoom out to see that the rest of the siblings are gone] They're gone. Of course, they're gone. [sighs]

[Scene changes to Sunset Canyon Retirement Home, Luan walks up to the pool with a drink tray where Seymour is swimming.]

Luan: I made this whole pitcher of lemonade for my grandpa, but he's got acid reflux. What ever shall I do with it?

Seymour: Ooh! I'll take a glass!

Luan: Here you are, Mr. Seymour, sir!

Seymour: [Drinks the whole thing] Ooh, tart! [makes a face, Lana takes a photo and winks. Later, Lori is dressed up as an old lady in the dining room.]

Lori: [Old lady voice] Oh, my soup's literally too hot! How am I ever going to eat it?

Myrtle: Oh, let me help, dear. [Blows on soup, and Lucy takes a photo. Later, the siblings are in Vanzilla, on the computer, working on the photo.]

Lincoln: And now to make a love connection. [Places the photos of Seymour and Myrtle into a romantic background, and moves them closer until they appear to be kissing.] Bingo.

Leni: Um, Lincoln, Bingo's not 'till 4:00.

Luna: Rad job, dude. That's gonna make Pop-Pop way jealous!

Lola: I bet he breaks it off with her tonight.

[Meanwhile, at the front of the retirement home. Laney was sitting down on a bench. Laney sighs. Myrtle then walks up to her]

Myrtle: Oh, hello Laney. Didn't expect you here. You look a little down. Are you okay?

Laney: Uh. It's fine... [sighs] It's just that I don't think that the other siblings like you as much as I do.

Myrtle: Oh, don't say that, Laney. Of course they like me!

Laney: Well, not exactly. They think you're smothering them too much.

Myrtle: Oh, nonsense. Sure I might be a bit smothering sometimes but that's just because I love them.

Laney: That's what I told them! [groans]

Myrtle: Tell ya what, kiddo. How about you let go of those grumpies and come to my birthday party. Today's my birthday you know.

Laney: It is!? Dang it! And I didn't bring you a present!

Myrtle: Oh, it's okay sweetie. You can have a slice of my cake. [Holds out a cake]

Laney: Is that strawberry frosting?

Myrtle: That's the spirit! Now, let's go find your other sibs huh?

Laney: No need. They're parked over there. [Points to Vanzilla parked at the front]

Myrtle: Oh! How convenient. I bet they're planning a surprise for me right now.

Lincoln: [Prints the photo] OK, Lynn, you're up.

[Lincoln hands Lynn, who is wearing a ninja suit, the photo. She slips it into an envelope, and back flips her way to the retirement home, she later emerges from behind the ceiling tiles, slips down a rope, throws the envelope under the door, and retreats.]

Lana: [Impatient] Man, what's taking Lynn so long?

Lynn: [Pops up] Hai! [her siblings scream in surprise] Mission accomplished.

Lori: OK. Let's get out of here before anyone sees us.

[They all look towards someone tapping on the windshield.]

Myrtle: Too late! I see you!

Siblings (minus Laney): [In surprise] AAH!

Myrtle: [Brings out a cake] Oh, you angels came for my birthday party, didn't you?

[Siblings pretend that's why they came.]

[At the party.]

Myrtle: Well, here we are, Party Central! As soon as your Pop-Pop gets here, we can get this shindig started.

Laney: Not a lot of guests here, huh?

Myrtle: [Despondent] No. Not much.

Luan: [Sympathetically] What about your family?

Myrtle: Well, I don't really have any. I was an only child and somehow, I never got around to getting hitched. I was just too busy traveling and living my life. And to be honest, I never really missed having a family, until I met Pop-Pop and you guys, and, well, I know you're not my real family, but gosh darn, you all sure feel like it.

Lori: [Hastily] Um, Myrtle, can you excuse us for a second? We, um, all have to go to the bathroom.

Myrtle: [Winking] You take after your Pop-Pop.

Lola: [Aggravated] OK, what gives, Lori? I don't have to tinkle!

Lori: Don't you guys get it? This is why Myrtle's been smothering us so much. She never had a family of her own. She's probably just trying to make up for lost time! Yes, she can come on a little strong, but her heart's in the right place.

Laney: Well this feels like a "Laney Was Right" moment. Doesn't it?

[The other siblings agree]

Lynn: Sure does.

Lucy: I feel terrible.

Lana: Me too.

Luan: We should go apologize.

Lincoln: Uh, guys, we have a bigger problem. We put that photo under Pop-Pop's door.

Siblings: [Cuts to the outside as the siblings remember that.] Aah!

[Back inside, Lori debriefs everyone on the new plan, and Lynn is suddenly wearing her ninja suit again.]

Lori: OK, new plan. Twins, Laney, you distract Myrtle. Lynn and Lincoln, you get the photo back. The rest of us will find Pop-Pop and keep him away from his room. Break!

[Everyone except Lynn and Lincoln runs off.]

Lynn: Let's move out, Lincoln!

Lincoln: [Notices Lynn wearing her ninja suit.] Hey, when did you change into your ninja suit?

Lynn: [Slyly] What happened to your bowl cut?

Lincoln: Touché.

Lynn: Hai!

[Back flips away, Lincoln tries to do a front flip after her, but knocks over a table. Later, Lynn slides down her rope, Lincoln tries to do the same, but falls.]

Lincoln: Woah! Ooh.

Lynn: [Fiddles with the doorknob] Locked. Not a problem. I got this. [Holds up a walker] Hoa, [breaks the door open] Ah! [Gives the walker back to the lady leaning on a table.] Thanks, lady.

[They look in the room and find the photo is on the nightstand, ripped right down the middle.]

Lincoln: Oh no, he's already seen it!

Seymour: [Offscreen] Help! Someone call this maniac off!

[Lincoln and Lynn look at each other and gasp in horror. Scene changes to the pool where Seymour is running for his life, but Pop-Pop is chasing after him swinging a pool noodle.]

Pop-Pop: I knew you had your eye on my girl!

Seymour: That's not true. The left one's got a mind of it's own.

Pop-Pop: Pictures don't lie, Seymour! And now I'm gonna take it to ya!

Seymour: You're a crazy man!

Pop-Pop: [Swats Seymour into the pool] Ya!

Lincoln: [As he and Lynn run in] Pop-Pop, stop!

Pop-Pop: Stay out of this, kids! Mr. Kissy Face has it coming. [Body slams] Rah!

Seymour: Dang it.

[A big splash is seen from outside the window.]

Lincoln and Lynn: Pop-Pop! [Jump in the pool to stop him.]

Lincoln: Let him go!

Lynn: Let him go!

Lori: What is going on?

Lori, Luna, Laney ,Lana and Lola: [Sees what's going on] Pop-Pop!

Seymour: Call Sue! Call anybody!

Scoots: [Comes in from offscreen] Geezer fight! I got 50 bucks on Al.

Pop-Pop: [Has Seymour now] Ha!

Lincoln: Pop-Pop, no! The photo's fake!

Pop-Pop: [hears what Lincoln said] What?

Lana: It's true. We made it on our computer!

Pop-Pop: Why in the heck would you do something like that?

Lori: The truth is, we were trying to break you and Myrtle up.

Pop-Pop: Don't you like Myrtle?

Laney: I do. But they don't.

Luna: It's not like that. I think we just didn't understand her! [Laney nods]

Luan: She was smothering us like a pork chop. But we didn't realize it was because she never had a family!

[The rest of the siblings come in.]

Lana: We may take it for granted that we have a big family, but not everyone's so lucky!

Lincoln: We're really sorry for the way we acted. We hope you can forgive us.

Pop-Pop: Of course I can. I know Myrtle can be a bit much, but that's also what I love about her. She's a spitfire.

Scoots: Ugh, Bleh, this is gettin' too mushy for me. Scoots out! [Drives off]

Pop-Pop: Seymour, I think I owe you an apology too.

Seymour: Nah, don't worry about it, Al.

Lori: Don't we have a birthday party to get to?

Pop-Pop: You know it!

Seymour: Can I come too?

Pop-Pop: You're gonna have to, Seymour. I can't move my arms anymore!

All: [laughs]

[Back at the party.]

Siblings: Happy birthday, Gran-Gran!

Myrtle: [Touched] Did you hear that, Al? They called me Gran-Gran! Oh, thank you, everyone.

Lori: Thanks for the cake and the party, Gran-Gran, but we should probably get going.

Myrtle: Okay, then, I'll drop by tomorrow.

[The siblings look worried about that.]

Pop-Pop: Uh...how about Sunday instead? I got us tickets to the RV show tomorrow.

Myrtle: Oh!

Siblings: Bye, Gran-Gran! [They walk away]

Scoots: Seymour, quit eyein' my cake! You already had your piece!

Seymour: I can't help it, the left one's got a mind of its own!