74. Lynner Takes All

Lynner Takes All

Laney was in her room drawing on the floor, hoping that she would have a peaceful night in the Loud house. But of course, there is no such thing. Especially not tonight, for tonight is...

Lynn: [bursts through Laney's door] GAME NIGHT! YOU READY TO GET SMOKED?! WOO! [Runs downstairs. Laney groans]

Laney: I hate game night. [As she walked downstairs]

[The kids have gathered at the grownup table for their games.]

Lynn: Hey, I was just wondering. Do you guys know any good therapists?

Lincoln: Well, Clyde recommends-

Lynn: [taunting] To help you deal with your loss tonight? BURN!

[The others sigh in exasperation.]

Lori: [walks up to the shelf] Okay, guys, what'll it be tonight?

Lily: Go-go fishy!

Lori: Good choice, Lily. Go Fish it is. [gets the cards]

[Later into the game]

Lisa: Lynn, do you possess any sevens?

Lynn: Hope you've got gas in your boat.

Lisa: Pardon? I have no aquatic vehicles.

Lynn: [taunting] 'Cause you're going fishing!

[Lisa draws a card]

Lynn: Lori, you seemed pretty interested in deuces last right. Got any?

[Lori sighs and gives her her two.]

Lynn: [slams her cards on the table.] Boom! Welcome to Losertown! Population: you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you! [she says as she points to her siblings individually.]

Lincoln: Well, now that that's over with.

[He and the other sisters proceed to get up.]

Lynn: [stopping them] Wait-wait-wait, hold on. Tonight's special. It's my... [presses a button revealing a celebratory tarp.] ...300th win in a row! I am unbeaten by you chumps! [busts out a bazooka that fires confetti at them and runs off.] WOO!

Luna: [coughs from the confetti and sees something familiar.] Dudes, this confetti's made from our homework! Bogus!

Laney: I am so tired of that athletic annoyance always rubbing it in our faces!

Lola: Tell me about it! She is so obnoxious.

Lincoln: If only we could beat her just once, maybe she'd stop gloating.

Lori: How are we gonna do that when she's better at every game on the shelf?

Lincoln: Maybe we need to try a game that isn't on the shelf; something that Lynn doesn't know, something that one of us is really good at.

Lola: [inspired] I think I might have just the game.

[The game is a pageant themed game.]

Lynn: Pretty, Pretty Pageant Queen? I don't even know how to play this.

Lola: Oh. Okay. If you're afraid of losing-

Lynn: I'm no loser! It is on!

[Later, Lola is dominating Lynn at the game. She moves her piece onto a perfect sash space.]

Lola: Oh! Just earned my sash! Just two spaces from being the pretty, pretty pageant queen!

Lynn: [checks the rules] "Hold up. It says in the rule book that if you can roll three tens at once, you get three tens from the judges and an automatic win. [picks up the dice, spits on them and rattles them.]

Lisa: [scoffs] Good luck. The odds of such an occurrence would be 1 in 1,720-

Lynn: [rolls the dice] Did it!

[The dice show that she really did roll three tens in a row; her siblings gasp in astonishment. Lola faints from such a humiliating defeat.]

Lynn: [does her victory dance] Unh! Lynn-er, Lynn-er, chicken dinner! [clucks]

Lucy: We will never beat her...at anything.

Lana: I know a game I can beat her at! [shows her favorite board game.] Plumbing Pro! You have to remove all the objects form the plumbing without touching the sides.

Lynn: [scoffs] This looks easy. I'll start by removing the hairball from the shower drain. [attempts to but touches the side and feels the vibration.]

Lana: Uh-oh! You touched the side. One more buzz and you lose.

Lynn: [growling with rage] 'Scuze me a second. [steps outside and starts doing push-ups.] You wanna lose, Lynn? Huh, huh? You wanna be the mayor of Losertown? Then get your head in the game! [gets up, pounds her chest, tosses the trash can and roars.]

[The others have witnessed it.]

Lucy: She's coming back in.

[They all sit down as Lynn returns.]

Lynn: Let's do this! [shouts and removes every single piece of clogging from every piece of plumbing in the game making the toilet flush showing it's clear.] YES! Another win for Lynn!

[The moment she leaves, the game breaks into two.]

Lincoln: [gets an idea] Guys, I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier. The Ace Savvy trivia game! There's no way she can beat me!

[Lori is giving the questions.]

Lori: Okay, guys, whoever answers this lats question right wins.

[Somehow, Lynn is calm and Lincoln is nervous. The other sisters are scowling at him.]

Lola: [whispering] Lincoln, what the heck? You haven't gotten a single answer right.

Lincoln: It's not my fault. Lynn keeps getting in my head.

Lori: [reads the question] Who is Ace Savvy's sidekick?

Lincoln: [buzzes in] Oh, that's so easy.

Lynn: [manipulative] Oh, is it? Are you sure? It could be a trick question. I'm just sayin'. [chuckles] Game's riding on this. It'd sure be a shame if you choked. [pretends to choke]

Lincoln: [cracked under pressure] MASSACHUSETTS!

Lynn: [buzzes in and scoffs] Even I know this one. It's One-Eyed Jack.

Lori: [defeated] Correct.

Lynn: [victorious once again] Boom! I win! Better get outta here before I breathe in too many loser fumes. [leaves]

Lincoln: [disappointed] Sorry, guys. I totally choked.

Lori: It's okay, Lincoln. [sighs] None of us is good enough to beat her.

Laney: [Raises her hand; offscreen] Hold it, siblings! There's one thing we haven't tried.

Lincoln: What's that, Laney?

Laney: [smirks] If we can't find game Lynn can't beat us at. We'll just make one up! Messed up rules will mess up her mojo.

Lincoln: That's brilliant! We'll make a game so ridiculous that Lynn can't possibly win!

Lucy: And even the odds in our favor.

Lori: Alright, guys. Let's brainstorm ideas.

Laney: No need. I already have one. It's all here in my dream journal. [Shows said journal to her siblings]

Luna: Wow. You've got some weird dreams, Lanes.

[Later the kids were in the backyard. Lynn and Lincoln were on unicycles with three balloons tied to their backs, holding tennis rackets and beach balls. Laney was wearing a referee uniform. The rest of the siblings were sitting in rows like bleachers]

Laney: Alright everybody. The name of the game is calles "Beach Unicycle Racketball". The rules are simple: get the ball over the opponent's post while dodging their traps they throw at you using the objects around you and keep your balloons from being popped. But! You have to do it all without leaving the unicycle. And if all of your three balloons are popped, your out!

Lynn: Piece of cake.

Laney: We'll see about that. Play ball! [Laney throws the ball up and Lynn and Lincoln begin to serving it back and forth to each other (I have no idea what they call this in tennis) until the ball hits the ground as Lynn tries to hit it. Laney then blows the whistle]

Lynn: What the heck was that about?

Laney: Did I forget to mention that you're supposed to keep the ball from touching the ground? That's am immediate penalty. [Holds out a thumbtack and pops one of Lynn's balloons. Lynn growls] Play ball! [Tosses the ball and Lynn and Lincoln begin to play again. Lynn sees Luan holding a pie and Lynn takes it from her and throws it at Lincoln's face. Laney then blows her whistle again]

Lynn: Now what!?

Laney: Illegal use of banana cream pie! That's strike two! [Pops another one of Lynn's balloons]

Lincoln: [smug] One balloon left, Lynn. One more pop and your out. [Lynn grows frustrated]

Lynn: Time out! [Lynn jumps off her unicycle and leaves. In the front yard, Lynn was once again doing pushups] Don't listen to them, Lynnster! They're trying to psyche you out with their made up rules and their ridiculous game! It ain't gonna work! You're not a loser, you're a winner! SO START ACTING LIKE ONE! RAAAAAAH! [pounds her chest like a gorilla]

[Back at the backyard]

Lincoln: Sure is taking Lynn a long time.

Laney: Maybe our little game was too much for her. Ha! I can't wait to see the look on her fac when I tell he she's- [Just then, Lynn throws a tire from the tire swing at Lincoln and uses it as a ramp as she rides her unicycle up to Lincoln's goal in slow motion. She hits the ball through the goal.] ...Won?

Lynn: YEAAAAAAAAH! In your faces! I won! You lost!

Laney: What was that?! Who said you can use that tire?

Lynn: Technically, you said to use whatever's around me to throw at my opponent. And that tire swing was the only thing around me at the other yard.

Laney: But I didn't say you can- [Lynn does her victory dance]

Lynn: Oh yeah! Uh huh! Go Lynn! It's my birtday! Oh yeah... [Dances off. The siblings were speechless]

Laney: Um... Okay. Minor setback. [Holds out her dream journal] But I have another game in here that will...

Lori: Save it, Laney. It's hopeless.

Lana: No matter what we do, Lynn will always find a way to beat us.

Lola: And rub it in our faces! [Lincoln muffles under the tire]

Lucy: We are doomed to forever suffer her gloating. [Lisa gets an idea]

Lisa: Maybe not. It appears that Lynn has no trouble taking on one of us at a game. But what if she takes on ALL of us? [shows them her favorite board game.] Behold! "The Settlers of Cat-Land"! The objective is to build as many cat structures as possible. But here's the kicker: one cannot do so without forming alliances. Ergo, if we freeze out Lynn, she is bound to go down in proverbial flames.

[The others get cunning looks in their eyes and decide to go with this plan. Later, the game is not going in Lynn's favor.]

Lynn: [frustrated] What? [stammering] Seriously?! No one has a yarn ball to trade me for some catnip?

[The others mutter and moan that they do not have a single yarn ball.]

Lynn: [groans] I can't build squat! This game bites it! HARD!

[The cat timer meows and rings.]

Lisa: [turns it off; satisfied] Well, I see our time is up. [checks the score] We have a ten-way tie for first, with Lynn in a distant second.

Lynn: COUNT IT AGAIN!

Lisa: [smug] Lynn, I do not make errors.

[This flabbergasts Lynn. Her siblings leave cheering that they finally defeated her.]

Lisa: Well, that ought to stop Lynn's competitive behavior.

Lincoln: And all of her gloating.

Luan: Yeah. I'd say we really got her gloat. We put her on a gloaten-free diet. Unless she's a gloaten for punishment

[The others just leave not wanting to hear anymore.]

Luan: Hey, where are you going? I'm just gloatin' started!

Lynn: [makes it to the top] WOO-HOO! I win! Ho ho, you went down hard!

Leni: [stuck to the wall and still trying to walk.] I thought I was going up.

[Lily is building with blocks, and Lynn has built a tower with some of her own.]

Lynn: [dancing] Yes! I win. I stacked more blocks than you. [twerks right on Lily's blocks, making them fall on her.] Uh-huh! Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh! [dances away]

[Lily comes out of her blocks and blows a raspberry at Lynn in anger. Laney was reading a book in her room, then Lynn runs in holding a book herself]

Lynn: I can read faster than you! [Flips through the pages until she reched the end] Done! BOOYAH! In your face. [Does her victory dance, Laney walks away]

[Lisa is mixing chemicals, but so is Lynn who makes hers explode.]

Lynn: BOOM! I win! Made an explosion first.

Lisa: I wasn't trying to make an explosion! [her chemicals explode anyway] Dang it.

[Lynn and Lucy are washing the dishes.]

Lynn: I can wash faster than you. [starts washing the dishes rapidly.]

[Lola is brushing her teeth and Lynn appears.]

Lynn: I can brush faster than you! [brushes insanely quick with multiple toothbrushes, shows her pearly whites and loses a tooth much to Lola's disturbance.]

[Later that night]

Lynn: I CAN GO TO SLEEP THE FASTEST! [her siblings groan] I CAN ALSO SNORE THE LOUDEST! [snores obnoxiously much to her siblings' annoyance.]

[The next morning.]

Lynn: Woo! I was up first! [The living room. Lori comes in.] Ha, ha! Lori, I totally ate more bacon than you. Loser!

[Lori groans aggravated and opens the door.]

Lincoln: Where are you going?

Lori: Anywhere I can be away from Lynn!

Lynn: Pancake challenge! Right now! Which one of you lame-os is gonna man up?

Lucy: [rises up; begging] Please. Take us with you.

[The others are riding in Vanzilla for some peace and quiet.]

Luna: [sighs contentedly] This is sweet, right, dudes?

[The others agree]

Luan: I really need a break from her.

[But then...]

Lynn: Come on, Lynn! Push it! Push it! Dig deep!

[It's revealed that Lynn is riding her bike right past Vanzilla.]

Lynn: Yeah! You lose! Eat my dust! [pedals away]

[Her siblings groan.]

[A sibling meeting is taking place in Lori and Leni's room. Lori bangs a shoe to order.]

Lori: We all know why we're here. The Lynn situation is literally the worst thing that's ever happened.

Lucy: [moans] We never should have beat her at that cat game.

Lincoln: I say we challenge Lynn to a rematch; only this time, we throw the game. That way, she'll feel like a winner again and stop driving us crazy.

[Everyone except Luna and Lola likes the sound of that. Cut to them having challenged Lynn.]

Lynn: A rematch, huh? Well, this place is gonna be spotless...after I wipe the floor with you! Booyah! Let's do this!

[Cut to later in the game.]

Lynn: Will anyone trade me a scratching post for a laser pointer?

[The others offer her their scratching post cards.]

Luan: Will anyone trade me a cat bed for a litter box?

[The others intentionally decline.]

Lola: I gave my last one to Lynn.

[Lincoln secretly moves a card from his pocket and puts it that the top of the deck.]

Luna: Your turn, Lynn.

Lynn: [draws; to her amazement] Yes! Ball of twine, chumps! [rolls the die and gets a one] One? GAH! Come on!

[Lisa bangs the table hard enough to make the die switch to six.]

Lynn: [sees it] Six all day long, baby!

[Later, Lynn has pretty much everything else in the settlement.]

Lynn: [confident] Hope you guys are hungry, 'cause it's almost time Lynn-er, Lynn-er, chicken dinner! Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling!

[While most of them smile knowing their plan is working, Leni starts looking nervous. She grabs the board and tosses it out the window. The others ask her why she went and did it.]

Leni: What? The plan was to throw the game, and no one else was doing it!

Lynn: [suspicious] "Wait a sec. Throw the game? You guys were trying to lose to me on purpose?"

Lincoln: Okay, yes we were. We just thought if we let you win, you'd stop being so insanely competitive with us.

Lynn: I was just trying to get my edge back after losing to you guys.

Lisa: Well, to be completely transparent, the only reason you lost is because we all teamed up against you.

Lynn: What? Why would you do that?

Luna: 'Cause after your 300 wins...

Lynn: [interrupting] Well, technically, 303, but who's counting?

Luna: [aggravated from Lynn's interruption.] ...we couldn't take your gloating anymore, dude.

Laney: You are such a poor sport! You can't take losing well, and whenever you win you do that stupid victory dance!

Luan: Yeah. We were all in the same gloat. We were tired of eating your gloat-meal.

Lori: [not in the mood] Not now, Luan.

[Luan stops]

Lynn: Wow. So, you're saying I'm a bad loser and a bad winner?

Lisa: Precisely.

Lynn: You all feel this way?

Lynn's Siblings: Yeah. / Kinda. / Afraid so. / We feel this way.

Lynn: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a jerk. I just love playing games, especially with you guys. Look, if you give me another chance, I promise to be a better sport. What do you say?

[The others think for a moment and agree.]

Lori: Why not?

Lola: Okay, Lynn.

Lynn: [victoriously] Yes! First to apologize!

Laney: Really?

Lynn: [realizes] Uh, sorry. That was the last one. Better sport, starting...now.

[Later, a card game comes to an end.]

Lynn: That's all my cards. So I guess...

[The others all have looks of nonchalant accepts on their faces.]

Lincoln: You can say it. You win.

Lynn: Okay, cool. I win. [shakes Lincoln's hand] Good game, guys. Good game. [gives the peace sign, leaves, steps outside]

Laney: Wow, she's really learned to be a good sport. I'm proud of her. [The other siblings look outside]

Lincoln: Think again. [Laney looks outside with her siblings to see Lynn doing her victory dance]

Lynn: [celebratory] YEAH! I RULE! [starts dancing.] Lynn-er, Lynn-er, chicken dinner! [does the worm]

[The others are watching from the window.]

Laney: Well... At least it's not to our faces. It's a start.

[The other siblings agree, stating that Lynn has a long way to go to stop gloating entirely.]

Lynn: [rips the sleeves off of her jersey and shouts in victory.] WINNER!