15. Changing the Baby

Changing the Baby

[Lucy and Lynn's room; Lincoln comes in in his underwear]

Lincoln: Hey, Lynn, do you wanna read the latest Ace Savvy comic with me?

Lynn: [shooting some hoops] A. Comics are boring. B. Put on some pants. And C. ya later. [bops Lincoln with basketball]

[Lincoln is gonna watch a movie; Luan walks by with her dummy, Mr. Coconuts]

Lincoln: Hey, Luan, do you wanna watch a science-fiction movie with me?

"Mr. Coconuts": Science fiction stinks, and that's a science fact.

Luan: [laughs] I agree with Mr. Coconuts.

[Lola and Lana's room]

Lincoln: [coming in with a coin case] Hey, Lola, do you want to check out my coin collection? I just got this one from Poland. It's called a Zloty.

Lola: Lame! What's the point of money that you can't spend?

[Lucy is writing a new poem and Lincoln comes in with the vacuum]

Lincoln: Hey, Lucy, do you want to go ghost hunting with me?

Lucy: Why would I want to hunt my friends?

[The kitchen]

Lincoln: Hey, Lana, you wanna try half of my peanut butter and sauerkraut sandwich?

Lana: I eat some grody things, but that is disgusting. [sniffs it and retches; runs to the bathroom]

[enter Leni]

Lincoln: Hey, Leni, you wanna play video games?

Leni: Those things will rot your brain. Besides, I have fashion magazines to look at.

[Later, Laney was in the living room playing with Lily]

Laney: [holds Lily's blanket, hiding her face] Wheeere's Laney? [reveals herself] Here I am!

Lily: [giggles]

Lincoln: Hey Laney, you wanna play video games with me?

Laney: Sure! [Lincoln hands over the controller to Laney] What's the game?

Lincoln: "Super Mega Brawlers Turbo Fighter XXIV".

Laney: Wait. A FIGHTING game? [gives back the controller] Thanks, but no thanks! I don't like fighting, I already get enough of that experience being in this family.

Lincoln: Aww man... [as Laney walks away, Lincoln talks to the viewers] You'd think that with all these sisters, there'd be just one that likes the same things I like. But sadly, that's not the case. [sighs] Even you, Lily. Sure you're hanging out with me now, but someday you're gonna be into your own things and we'll have nothing in common... inspired] Unless... [takes Lily's blanket and pacifier and gives her the controller]

Lily: [starts mashing buttons and giggles]

Lincoln: That's it! You don't have your own things yet! You're like an unformed lump of clay! But if I can mold you, then someone in this house will finally like the things I like!

[Enter Clyde]

Clyde: Hey, Lincoln! What has two thumbs and totally wants to hang out with his best friend? [points to self] This guy!

Lincoln: [shoves Clyde out the door] Sorry, Clyde. I'm in the middle of something important. I'm changing the baby.

Later, Lincoln called Laney to his room for a very important matter involving Lily.

Laney: So, why did you want me In your room Lincoln?

Lincoln: To tell you this: have you ever wanted a sister who likes what you like?

Laney: Well, I do like the idea of any sister who likes to explore their options, see what kind of talents they might have. Why?

Lincoln: Laney, I give you the ideal sister. [presents Lily]

Laney: Lily?

Lincoln: Think of it this way Lanes, Lily is at an impressionable age. Therefore, we can mold her into a mini version of me or you, maybe both!

Laney: You mean, I can have the sister I've always wanted?

Lincoln: And more! What do you say?

Laney: Where do we start?

Lincoln: Let's begin with things I like. [shows Lily all of his material possessions] Video agmes, comic books, action figures. These are all the things that make life worth living.

Lily: [reaches for her blanket] Blankie!

Lincoln: [takes blanket away] No, no, no. You don't like this. You like this. [turns on a movie] Starship Groupers! My favorite underwater intergalactic adventure. [playing with model of the ship from the movie] Pew-pew-pew! Check this out. It's a 500-piece replica of the starship. [to the viewers] Built by yours truly. [sees Lily's interested in it] Oh, you like it? Here you go! [gives it to her]

Lily: [giggles and starts playing] Pew-pew! Pew-pew!

Lincoln: That's right! Pew pew pew! [Lily starts shaking it] Uh, Lily? You gotta, you know, try to be... [Lily tosses it into the air] ...careful!

[The model crashes onto the floor and shatters]

Lily: Pew-pew...?

Lincoln: [holding back angst] That's okay. I wanted to get the 600 piece model anyway.

Laney: Let's move on to something she can understand. [holds Lily, she giggles]

Lincoln: Okay, what do you like Laney?

[cut to the backyard]

Laney: Okay Lily, now growing up opens up a whole bunch of options. I present to you some of my paints. Let's see if you have a creative side.

Lily looked at the paint cans and a big sheet of paper that stood before her. But then she has her eyes on her blanket that was just on the other side.

Lily: Blankie! [as she crawls, she tips over a red paint can leaving a trail of paint all over the paper; before she could touch her blanket, Laney picked her up]

Laney: Lily! Look at you! You're a mess! [Lily smears paint on Laney's cheek, making her giggle] Okay, let's get you cleaned up.

Later, Laney was washing the paint off Lily, who couldn't stop moving and laughing.

Lily: [giggles]

Laney: Stop moving.. [wipes last spot] There you go. All-

Lily: Blankie! [holds her blanket, which was covered in paint]

Laney: Hm. You seem to like that blanket don't you? [Lily smiles as she holds her blanket] Guess, you've got a long way to go huh? [tickles Lily, Lincoln comes in and takes Lily]

Lincoln: Thanks Laney, I'll take it from here. [walks away, Lily waves at Laney]

Lily: Bye Bye. [Laney smiles and waves back]

Later that night...

Lincoln: [reading Lily an Ace Savvy bedtime story] And Ace Savvy defeated the evil Card Countess. The end. [sees Lily fast asleep and gives her a kiss on the head] Thanks for the best day ever. I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship. [turns out the lights and leaves her room]

As soon as Lincoln left, Laney came in with a blanket in her hand.

Laney: [whispers] Here you go.. [covers Lily with her blanket] Thanks for spending time with me today. It's nice to know that I have sister to share what I like. Course you don't have to worry about what you want to be right now. [giggles] Goodnight... [walks out of Lily's room]

The next morning, Laney was peacefully sleeping, until she was woken up by the sound of a baseball bouncing from the window.

Laney: Huh?

Lynn: Hey, Laney! Can you throw that ball down? [Laney threw back the baseball and looked out the window to see Lynn pitching with Lily, Laney rushed outside and picked up the baby]

Laney: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Lynn: You guys think you're the only ones in this family who doesn't have anyone to do stuff with. Lily's gonna be my sports buddy.

Laney: No! She is not! You know her head's too soft to take a hit.

Lynn: Yeah, that's why I gave her a helmet.

Laney: [glares at Lynn] Come on Lily lets- [turns around to see Lily is gone] WHA?

Luan: Introducing Luan Loud and her amazing dummy, Lil Lil! [holding Lily who is dressed like Mr. Coconuts in the same position as him] Say, Lily, who's your favorite singer? Lady...

Lily: Gaga!

Luan: What's your favorite Hawaiian platter?

Lily: Poo-poo!

Lynn: Hey! That's no dummy! That's my cleanup hitter!

Lincoln: No, she's mine!

Laney: Stop it! [gets pulled into a fight over Lily who flies right out of the fight cloud then stops]

Lincoln, Lynn, Luan and Laney: Lily?

[Lucy is dressing Lily up in goth fashion and showing her photos of the deceased]

Lucy: This is Grandma Harriet. And this is Abraham Lincoln.

Lincoln: Uh, Lucy...what are you doing?

Lucy: I'm introducing Lily to my ghost friends.

Lincoln: She already has a friend named Lincoln! [takes Lily back]

Lucy: Sigh...

[Lincoln wipes Lucy's makeup off Lily's face]

Lincoln: Black is not your color. Orange is! [gets out another small orange shirt and turns around to find that Lily's gone again] Dang it!

Laney: Okay, let's get you back in your crib and... [Lori snatches the baby from Laney]

Lori: Sorry, but she already has plans with me. [walks downstairs]

Laney: I don't know how much more of this I can take!

[Lori is showing Lily her favorite reality show]

Lori: Now, Dylan can only pick one girl to spend the rest of his life with. And it'd better be Marisol.

Lily: [blows a raspberry of disagreement]

Lori: Yeah, you're right. Maybe he will be happier with Tiffany.

Laney: That's enough! She doesn't wanna watch your shows with you.

Lori: Nonsense! Besides, I've literally been waiting 17 years for someone in this family who likes the things I like!

Lincoln: And I've been waiting 11 years for a sister who likes what I like! Now give her to me!

Leni: HELP!

[Lori, Laney, and Lincoln rush to Leni's rescue and discover she's stuck in Lily's crib]

Leni: Oh, thank goodness. I got in here to show Lily my fashion magazine, but now I can't get out of this baby prison! [starts crying]

[Lincoln and Lori help her out]

Lincoln: Upsy-daizy.

Lori: There you go, Leni.

Leni: [grateful] Agoo.

[Lisa suddenly starts laughing evilly and has Lily strapped to one of her machines to use her as a test subject]

Lily: Poo-poo?

[Lisa is about to throw the switch but Laney stops her]

Laney: Are you nuts!

Lisa: Come on, Laney! No one in this family ever willingly lets me do experiments on them!

Laney: For a reason! One being Lily's a baby.

Lisa: I was going to give her a sucker afterward. [holds out a lollipop to which Lincoln facepalms]

Lincoln: Look, everyone just stay away from Lily! She's my little Lincoln!

Laney: Don't I get a say in this?

Lori, Leni, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lincoln, and Lisa: NO!

Laney: [points that Lily is now gone again]

Lincoln: DANG IT!

[Luna is jamming with Lily on drums and gets up on her bunk bed]

Luna: STAGE DIVE! WOO! [dives off her bed right towards Lily who has a bad feeling about this and Lincoln and their sisters push her out of Lily's way] WOO!

Lincoln, Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Laney, Lucy, and Lisa: [see she's gone again] Where's Lily?!

[Lily is having a tea party with Lola]

Lola: More tea, Lady Lilington?

Lana: She doesn't wanna have a dumb tea party. She wants to play with Izzy! [puts Izzy on Lily's head]

Lola: No she doesn't!

Lana: Yes she does!

Lola: No she doesn't!

Lana: Yes she does!

Luna: Dudes, give her back! We were in the middle of a jam sesh!

Lisa: She was my specimen!

Lucy: We were talking to Great Grandma Harriet.

Lynn: We were playing ball!

Luan: We were getting ready to take our show on the road!

Leni: We were gonna look at my magazines!

Lori: We were watching Dylan's date!

Lucy: BT-dubs, Lori, Great-Grandma Harriet knows you regifted her brooch, and she's not happy about it.

[Lori instantly looks regretful]

Lola and Lana: GIVE US BACK LILY!

[The girls all fight over Lily until Laney comes in and grabs her]

Girls: [They stop fighting and notice their sister is about to sneak away] WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!

Laney: Oh dear...

[Laney dashes away only to be stopped by Lincoln]

Lincoln: There you are! Thanks Laney, now give her to me.

Laney: No, I'm taking her back to her crib.

Lincoln: What? But what about our plan to make a perfect sister?

Laney: I'm sorry but I'm out.

Lincoln: But why?

Laney: Because she's already...

Lori: I'll take that. [grabs Lily and runs]

Lincoln: Oh, no, you don't! [gets Lily back from Lori but crashes into Luan who switched Lily out with Mr. Coconuts]

Luan: Whoops. Sorry, Linc! [runs off] Sorry, dummy! [laughs but loses Lily to Leni]

Leni: Ha! Na-na-na, na-na-na! [loses Lily to Lisa while she's gloating at Luan] LILY'S INVISIBLE!

Lucy: Boo.

[Lisa screams and Lucy takes Lily from her]

Lucy: Boo. [Leni runs off screaming]

Laney could only watch as this ridiculous fight for Lily continued. Lisa got Lily back from Lucy, then Luan gets Lily, then Lynn intercepts, Lola drives in, Lana crashes in. Laney didn't have a clue what to do about this situation. She was starting to lose it.

Laney: Lily... Wait... I... Guys... But... I don't... [steam started to blow out of her ears, then she covered them] No.. I can do this! I... [her eyes started to spin] Grrrk! [shouts] ENOUGH!

It grew silent and everyone looked at Laney.

Laney: I can't take it anymore! All I wanted was a perfect sister, but you guys have turn it all into a big mess! This has to stop!

Lincoln: Laney's right. We all want Lily to be our mini-me, right? Well, there's only one way to settle this. We'll let Lily choose.

[Everyone has come together for Lily decide which sibling she's going to be with]

Lincoln: Now, whoever Lily crawls to is the one she wants to be with. Agreed?

[The girls nod and they all take out their items relating to what they wanted Lily to like what they like earlier: Lincoln has his Ace Savvy comic, Lori has the TV remote, Leni has her fashion magazine, Luna has her drumsticks, Luan has Mr. Coconuts, Lynn has her baseball mitt, Lucy has her photo of Abe Lincoln, Lana has Izzy, Lola has her teapot, and Lisa has her cables; each one of them beckon Lily with them]

Lincoln: Come on! It's Ace Savvy!

Luan: Wooden you like to be my friend?

Lynn: Low and inside!

Lana: Izzy!

Leni: Look at the magazine!

Lori: Marisol?

Lola: Extra sugar!

Luna: Walk this way.

Lucy: Abe Lincoln.

Lisa: I have more suckers!

Laney: I don't know how this could get any crazier...

[Lily is starting to feel a little stressed over which one of them to be with as she just can't decide; fortunately for her, Clyde comes in]

Clyde: LINCOLN! You wanna hang out with babies? [tears off his clothes revealing to be wearing a diaper and puts on a bonnet and busts out Lily's blanket] Then let's hang. [puts his thumb in mouth]

[The Loud Kids all gasp at the sight of Clyde]

Laney: Nevermind...

While all of the Louds where speechless at Clyde's new baby get up. Lily starts crawling towards someone...or something.

Lincoln: Hey, look! Lily's coming to me!

Lynn: Nuh-uh! To me!

Lincoln: To me!

Lynn: To me!

[Lily crawls all the way to Clyde because he has her blanket]

Loud Kids: SHE CHOSE CLYDE?!

Clyde: I have something to say to you, Little Miss Friend Stealer! [Lily takes her blanket back and makes a cute face to Clyde] You are... [Unable to resist her cuteness] ...absolutely adorable! No wonder Lincoln wants to hang with you! [hugs her]

Lincoln: [disturbed at his best friend's ensemble] Clyde, why are you wearing a diaper?

Clyde: You replaced me with Lily, so I thought this was the only way to win you back.

Lincoln: I'd never replace you. You're my best friend.

Lily: [cuddling her blanket] Blankie!

Lincoln: Her blankie...of course! Now I get it, you guys. We can't mold Lily. No matter what we do, she's always gonna want the things she wants.

Laney: What do you think I've been trying to tell you this whole time?

Lincoln: Besides, I forgot I already have someone who likes everything I like. What do you say, Clyde? Wanna hang?

Clyde: Sorry, Lincoln. Lily and I have plans. Hey, Lily! What has four thumbs and loves milk?

Clyde and Lily: [point to themselves] These guys!

[as they left Lincoln talks to Laney]

Lincoln: I guess you're right Laney. We can't change Lily. Sorry I got you involved in all this.

Laney: That's okay Lincoln. Besides, Lily's gonna grow up someday. Until then, you guys are perfect enough for me. [hugs Lincoln, Lincoln hugs back]

Lori: [on her phone] Bobby, does your mom still have that brooch I gave her?

[Lucy raises her head up and smiles, knowing she successfully got Great Grandma Harriet's message to Lori]