FREE YOURSELF

Life is ten percent what happens and ninety percent how we respond to it, they said you are the one who will create your own destiny. Some says that you just have to lay down all of your plan and the Lord will guide you if that plan of yours is aligned with his plans for you.

The door suddenly opens I look at it immediately, Mommy's furious face step inside the attic.

"MOM, NOOOOOO!" I shouted out of shock when she grab my art materials and thrown it in the floor, the maids quickly picked all it up and put those in a sack.

I thought it was okay for them if I paint, they are the one who bought my materials back then but when they noticed that I give most of my time doing some art... they want me to stop and throw the materials away. I felt my heart sank that time... wondering why they suddenly want to take away my escape.

Yes, it is my escape from the world they build for me. And it was always my escape.

I didn't follow what they wanted, I stealthily pick up the materials in the garbage and brought it at the attic- where I am secretly painting. I love arts ever since I was a child but both my Mommy and Daddy didn't allow me, they want my attention and mind to focus in my academic life. They want to see me reading medical books in the library than holding a paint brush.

"Jamie, is this what you learned in school? huh? TO LIE TO YOUR PARENTS? HOW MANY TIME DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME, THESE THINGS ARE USELESS" she said before grabbing the ongoing painting in my easel. My world stops when she drop it... she steps on it... over and over and over again...

My whole attention were in the smudge paint on my canvas, my tears are on the edge of my eyes.

"WHY DON'T YOU FOCUS ON BEING A GREAT DOCTOR?" I couldn't understand what my Mommy is talking about my attention is still at the canvas, I can't hear her properly. I only hear my heart broke at the same time when the canvas broke.

I'm still at elementary but the pressure I recieved from my parents are so heavy, why don't they let me explore my talent? I'm not neglecting my studies, in fact I'm still the top 1 in my class.. because that's what they want.

My cries and sobs filled the attic but they don't take notice of it. I looked at the attic's door where my Dad is but he shakes his head while giving me a glare. Hysteria is all over our maids while cleaning up the mess my Mom made. My cries didn't stop even when they all left the attic, I cried even more when I saw them burning all of my materials. Those drawings are my feelings, if someone see it I believe thay can feel the heavyness too. Those arts were filled with grief, pain, sorrowness and a question when can I free myself from everything that brings agony.

The seconds turned into minutes, and minutes turned into hours, and hours turned into days, and days turned into weeks... and months but the feeling inside me didn't fade away and as usual... they didn't care about my feelings.

My elementary graduation came I am the Valedictorian of the batch but I can't feel any hapiness inside me, I know it didn't kill me but something inside me died that day.

My Dad saw my grades and my classmates grades, he is not happy when he discovered the top 2 has a high grade in science than me.

"The top 2 is even better, Jamie... his grade is higher than yours" he said while we are having a dinner after my graduation ceremony.

"That's just one point Dad, and I'm still the Valedictorian" I politely said, I can't even look at his eyes.

I shuddered when he slapped his two hands on the table, almost jumping plates, glasses, spoons and forks at what he did. The housemates immediately bowed as they looked intently at us at the table.

"I DON'T CARE EVEN IF YOU ARE THE VALEDICTORIAN, JAMIE! THAT DIDN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT HIS GRADE IN SCIENCE IS HIGHER THAN YOURS!! WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE TO BE THE BEST OF THE BEST, YOU HAVE TO STAY ON THE TOP SO THAT YOU CAN BE A GREAT DOCTOOOR!!" I closed my eyes when he shouted those words at me. I breathe deeply hoping it could ease the pain in my heart.

"Florencio... we are at the dinner table, please stay calm." my Mom said while he holds my Dad's arm.

'I'm still a child, Dad'

My parents are blinded by the recognitions they received, they are one of the top doctors in the country. They are good doctors... or best. But in terms of being parents? I don't know...

They couldn't understand that the world is round, it's not the same every time. You can't stay at the top the whole time, and not everyone in the bottom will stay there. They kept on comparing me to others when their are higher than me and it hurts me too much. I expected a support from my own family not a degrade.

I know how to make decisions too, I know how to think what is right and wrong thing to do. I don't want to be compared to others, I want them to accept what I want to do in life. That the dreams they want for themselves is not my responsibility to reach it. I want to prove to them that I can decide on my own and failing and falling is paft of life. You are not able to stay on top every time and you are not the best all the time.

High School came and I focus more in my academic, I gain many rewards at research. They are happy about it, who wouldn't right? Your child is top of everything at school.

My parents saw my eagerness in my academic life, they asked me what I want. I requested a dance room... and luckily they gave it to me. But I know, someday if I gave more attention to this... they will snatched it again from me. So that I allocate more time in the library than my dance room.

But they have to accept that I am different from what they want me to be. I want to be happy, genuinely happy. I want to feel happiness by doing what I really want, I want to feel the happiness because I'm doing things that is not against my will.

But the question is when? When will I be brave to follow my heart's want? When can I able to rest the robot machine they build inside my head? When will I be able to get out from the cage they build in me? When will I be happy.

Parents need to understand that every child is different, not only in his or her abilities, but also in the extraordinary way that he or she sees and understands the world.