Chapter 42

Brittany went with Santana to her first therapy session. After Santana had admitted to needing help, Brittany had taken it upon herself to make the process as easy as possible, knowing that Santana could change her mind at any time. She'd called the number on the blue card early the next morning, and begged Samantha to take them in as soon as she could. That happened to be two days later. It wasn't convenient, because Jesús and Kyler's birthday was the next day, but it was necessary.

The waiting room was pretty bland, with black leather seats and generic abstract paintings on the wall. Basically exactly what she had been expecting.

The entire twenty minute wait Santana sat so close to them their thighs were pressed together. She was clutching on to Brittany's hand so hard the veins were popping on her arm. Brittany held back just as tight.

Finally, the door opened and a short plump woman with light blonde hair tied up in a bun pocked her head out.

"Santana?" she called out.

Santana's other hand joined the first in gripping on to Brittany's arm.

"I'm here baby." Brittany said, rubbing her arm. "I'm here. I'm not leaving you."

Nodding, Santana stood up, pulling Brittany with her, and the two walked into the office.

Inside was just as predictable as outside. There was a long blue couch in the centre of the room, that looked like it was made of suede. Opposite it was a single brown leather couch, which Brittany guessed was for the therapist to sit in.

"Please sit." The lady gestured to the couch. Brittany led Santana to the couch.

"So…Which one of you is Santana."

"I am" Santana said, not letting go of Brittany. "This is my wife, Brittany, and I should tell you that I'm only here because of her."

"Because of or for?"

Brittany frowned. "Is there a difference?"

"A big one" she crossed her legs. "If Santana is here, because you encouraged her to be, then that's good. It means she has a support system that recognises what she needs when she can't articulate it herself."

"And if she's here for me?"

"Then she doesn't believe she needs to be here, but that you want her to be, so to appease you, she shows up."

"So what? I'm here either way?"

"In the former, you're here because you agree you need help, but needed a push to come. In the latter, you think you're fine, and just want your wife to leave you alone. If that's the case, then I can't do anything for you. I can't help someone who doesn't want help."

Brittany turned to Santana.

"Which one is it?" she asked quietly.

Santana bit her lip, debating. No, she didn't want to be here. She didn't want to sit in an office and answer personal questions from a stranger who was looking for what was wrong with her. She didn't want to have to talk about how the thought of food, which she used to love, now made her feel physically ill, and how even though she tried to force herself to eat she just couldn't keep it down. She didn't want it, but she knew she needed it.

"Because of" she finally answered. "I'm here because of Brittany."

"Okay." Samantha took a notepad from a small table beside her chair and opened it to an empty page. "Then let's get to work."

*****

By the end of the session, Santana was dreading therapy more than when she'd started. Samantha was fine. She didn't feel judged by her or like she was being intrusive when she asked questions, which was good, but she'd never been forced to open up about so much over such a short period before. Never in her life. She'd talked about her childhood and the large part her abuela played in raising her, her parents being workaholics, her struggles with body image and subsequent eating disorder, her sexuality and her relationship with Brittany before coming out. They were all sore spots for her, filled with regret, shame, sadness and anger. All of which she had to relive in the span of an hour and a half, and left her feeling emotionally drained.

"There's a lot to unpack here Santana." Samantha said at the end of the session. "I'm glad you came to see me."

"Yeah" Santana grumbled.

"Me too" Brittany said honestly, kissing Santana's temple.

"What do you think is the most pressing thing…out of everything?" Samantha asked.

"What do you mean?"

"What are you hoping to get out of therapy?"

Santana took a minute to think. She's kind of figured that therapy would just fix her. She'd be able to talk to her mother like a normal person and wouldn't have to struggle with an eating disorder anymore.

"I don't know, aren't you the one who's supposed to know what part of me needs fixing?"

Samantha chuckled.

"No." she said simply. "You're the only one that knows what parts of yourself need improving. Guidance. Where I can best support you."

"I guess…"She glanced at Brittany. "I guess I'd like to be able to handle my emotions….better."

"Better…"

"Yeah right now…I guess I direct them into other things. I don't love talking about how I feel, and um…" she glanced at Brittany again. Brittany rubbed her arms, nodding encouragingly. "I guess when I start feeling too much I get destructive. In high school it was towards other people, now I guess it's self-inflicted."

"Good" Samantha smiled. "Very good. Identifying the things you want to improve at, like expressing or handling your emotions, gives you a clear goal to work towards. That way you can see the small wins as we go along. Therapy is a long process, Santana, and it can be frustrating. But if you have your goal and keep working towards it, you will get there."

*********************************************************************************

Santana and Brittany carried the two exhausted boys out of the water and straight to bed.

"Getting a pool was the best decision we ever made." Santana sighed.

"Yeah" Brittany giggled, toweling her hair dry. "How are you feeling? Too tired?"

"No I'm okay. I had breakfast remember?"

"And you kept it down?"

"Yes..." Santana averted her eyes. She hated how concerned Brittany always was. Of course she knew it was par for the course. She nearly fainted a few days ago, and that could have happened while she was in the pool. She could have drowned. Or worse yet, the thought that had been plaguing her, she could have been holding one of the babies. It was why she'd decided to go get the therapist's card from her office. The experience had been a wake up call. She wasn't in high school anymore, where the only person she was hurting was herself. She was married now, so everything she did affected Brittany, and she was mother, with sons that needed her alive and healthy. So though she hated therapy, she would keep going.

"Okay." Brittany said quietly. "I'm gonna go get ready. The caterers should be here in a few minutes."

"Okay. I'll let them in and then come up."

Soon their house was buzzing with activity. They had the caterers setting up in her kitchen, taking over her stove and fridge, the party people outside setting up the ball pit and bubble machine, and the sound guys, who Santana was refusing to call a Dj, setting up his speakers and equipment on the outside patio. Santana was ready before Brittany, because she decided not to take a shower so she could oversee all the set up.

It looked great. Over the top yes, but only because it was a one year old's party. Truthfully they hadn't done much. They hadn't invited that many people, only the kids in their mommy and me class, Quinn and Puck, and of course their families. Santana didn't think they'd gotten anything that they boys themselves would enjoy, except the food, but they had to feed the guests above two years old.

Everything was set up by 11, which was perfect for Santana and Brittany to get the boys changed and have them eat lunch before everyone arrived. They ate upstairs so they didn't see the surprise downstairs. Brittany wisely suggested it, knowing they would not eat a bite once they saw all the balloons. Definitely not if the bubbles were up and running. Just as they finished eating, the bell for the gate rang.

The Pierces arrived first, Ashley and Pierce immediately volunteering to take the boys outside to the ball pit.

"Not going to fight them today mum?"

Susan handed Brittany her purse and rolled up the sleeves of her blouse until they reached her elbows.

"Oh I will. But I'll give them a few minutes before I go take my babies."

Laughing, Brittany led her mother to the living room, where they had set up a table for all the presents.

"Wow Britt-Bee. This is really something."

"I know…" Brittany said nervously. "We were a bit excited."

"It's perfect." Susan rubbed Brittany's arm. "Your child's first birthday is most definitely for you, not for them. It's a celebration of your first year of parenthood. A day you will never forget."

"So you still remember my first birthday?" Brittany asked skeptically.

Susan raised her eyebrows at the challenge. When Brittany did the same, she sat down on the couch closest to her and crossed her legs.

"You slept in for the first time in your life." Susan started. "Didn't wake up until 11."

"What?" Brittany sat next to her.

"Yeah. We wondered if maybe you were sick or something, because you had slept early the night before, so you were going on fourteen hours."

"Wow."

"I bet you wish your boys would sleep fourteen hours."

Brittany sighed dramatically. Susan laughed.

"Anyway, when you finally did wake up, you were your usual ball of energy self. Pierce and I had planned to give you a cupcake, a small cupcake" Susan emphasized, "For breakfast, but you didn't want it."

"What?" Brittany asked in disbelief. "Now you're just lying."

"No" Susan laughed. "Maybe you didn't like the flavour….I don't know. But you preferred to play with it. Mashed it all over your feeding table and managed to get some on your dad too. His beard was covered in it."

"Oh yeah I forgot dad had a beard back then."

"He wants to grow it out." Susan rolled her eyes.

"You don't like the beard mum?" Brittany giggled.

"It's fine when it's fully grown. It's the stubble I hate."

Problems Brittany was never going to have to go through, she thought gratefully. Santana barely let her leg or armpit hair grow. As soon as she saw the signs of their return she would get out the wax and get rid of it. Brittany didn't think she'd ever seen Santana with armpit hair. She imagined that even if Santana could grow a beard she'd have it clean shaven too.

"So how did you get the pictures you took on my first birthday, if I was being so uncooperative? I know I've seen some with me in my feeding chair eating cake."

"Well, it was very clever on our part. We had balloons, which of course you loved. So we tied the balloons to your chair to distract you, put another cupcake in front of you and then your dad smeared cake on your face to make it look like you were eating it."

"Oh my god" Brittany laughed. "That seems a little…."

"Over the top?" Susan laughed along. "Well like you said, we got a little excited."

Brittany shook her head.

Santana came down when Brittany was still with her mother. She was wearing a black jumpsuit and had her hair in bouncy curls over her shoulders.

"Ah, she's finally ready." Brittany said, as Santana walked into the living.

Santana smiled, a tight lipped smile that Brittany couldn't tell if it was forced or not.

"Hi Susan" Santana said, bending to hug Brittany's mother.

"My dear you look gorgeous." Susan said, standing.

Again, Santana's smile seemed off.

"Thank you. So do you. I love this sweater."

"I got here actually, the last time we were here to visit. Oh what was the name of the store?"

Gently shaking her head, Santana touched Susan's arm to bring her out of her thoughts.

"Wherever it was, the style looks good on you."

Beaming, Susan sat back down next to Brittany.

"I was just telling Brittany about her first birthday. Care to join us?"

"Of course, I would love to hear about Britt's first birthday, but Quinn is about to arrive and I was supposed to get the kitchen prepped for her."

"Quinn's cooking?" Brittany asked. "But we have caterers."

"No she just brought some desserts from Elise that need to be put together here."

"Oh."

"But you guys enjoy. Susan you may have to tell me that story later."

"You got it."

Brittany watched Santana walk back up the stairs to the kitchen.

"Are you alright dear?"

"Yeah" she dragged her eyes away from Santana so she was looking at her mother. "Anyway so after you faked my cake eating, then what?"

****

Santana found it easy to lose herself in the day's events. Between entertaining children, the oldest of which was two, and their parents, who Santana didn't really know very well, she was busy enough that her brain had no time to think about anything else. It was exactly the kind of day she needed after the stressful week she'd had.

As she sipped her wine she walked from the backyard, where Puck and Brittany were playing with the twins in the ball pit, into the kitchen. It would be time for naps soon, so she needed to get the cakes out.

She wasn't sure what flavours Brittany had chosen, though she'd been told, but the cakes were different, so she knew she wouldn't mess them up. She took out both boxes from the fridge and placed them on the counter, took out the candles and lighter from a drawer.

The first box had Jesús' cake. It was white, with multi-coloured polka dots all over it, and Elmo on the front. Santana carefully removed it from the box, discarding the box on the floor quickly so she had space to put the cake back down.

Kyler's cake was green, with Timmy the sheep, who Santana was convinced was just Shaun the sheep, sitting on top of it on a red and white picnic blanket, holding his teddy. There were small flowers scattered around to make the cake look like a cute little patch of grass. Santana couldn't help smiling down at it.

She stuck the candles, which were large number ones, into each cake. A red one for Jesús and a yellow one for Kyler.

"They look great don't they?"

Santana turned to find Brittany standing at the door to the backyard, watching her.

"They really do. Good job babe."

Brittany walked to stand next to her, both of them looking down at the cakes.

"Can you imagine they're already one?"

"I cannot." Santana said honestly.

Granted, they hadn't had the boys for an entire year, so it made sense that it felt too quick for them, but she suspected they would feel that way even if they'd been the ones to give birth to them.

"Thank you." She said quietly.

"For what?" Brittany asked.

"For giving them to me."

"Santana what-"

"B. You're the reason we have them. If it had been up to me we would have left them in Brazil because I didn't think it was possible. I only looked into it because you were so upset. Because of the fight we had."

"I don't think that's true." Brittany stepped closer, taking Santana's hand and looking into her eyes. "I think it might have taken longer for you to get there, maybe after the investigator you wanted to hire ended up not being able to find any family for them. I don't think you would have been able to just come back home and forget about them."

"Yeah well…" Santana shrugged. "That would have been time wasted. So I still should thank you."

Brittany smiled.

"Thank you. I have this life because of you…always because of you. I love you."

"I love you too."

****

By 1:30 Santana and Brittany were carrying the cakes outside, with all the parents, their family and friends singing a, quiet, rendition of happy birthday. Jesús and Kyler were in high chairs in front of the bubble machine, looking around with wide eyes.

"Hold their hands please." Santana told Puck and Quinn. When they had, she and Brittany put the cakes in front of the babies. "Thanks."

She took over for Puck, holding Kyler's hands in hers so he didn't try to swipe either the cake or the candle.

"Emo" Jesús said, fighting Brittany, who had taken over holding him from Quinn, to try and grab Elmo.

"Yeah that's Elmo buddy" Brittany said. Do you wanna blow the candle so you can touch Elmo?"

"Emo, Emo, Emo"

"Yeah"

Everyone laughed.

"Let's blow these out so you can let him go before he gets upset.

They counted down from three, and then blew out the twins' candles.

Everyone cheered, quietly, so as not to startle the babies.

As soon as Brittany let Jesús go, he was grabbing at the Elmo on his cake. Trying to peel it off.

"You want some cake amor?" Santana asked Kyler. He was staring mesmerized at his cake. "You want some cake?"

He pointed at the cake, but didn't touch it.

"Yes?" Santana asked.

He pointed again.

"Okay I'm going to take that as a yes." She laughed, taking the knife Puck was handing to her.

Both boys completely demolished each cake. They ate the cupcakes Brittany had made for them, and then began eating the cakes in front of them, grabbing handfuls with their tiny hands and shoving them into their mouths.

"Can you get cavities when you barely have teeth?" Quinn asked, as Jesús leaned forward and planted his mouth right on the cake, forgoing using his hands.

Santana shook her head.

"We're going to have to brush our teeth, that's for sure."

While the boys were distracted, Santana had both sets of grandparents, Ashley, Quinn and Puck take pictures with them. Ashley allowed them to smear cake on her face in the name of feeding her, and Santana knew those were the photos she would cherish more than the ones with pretty poses.

****

It wasn't long before babies started dropping like flies after that. The five kids from their mummy and me class all fell asleep within minutes of each other, so they left less than half an hour after cake cutting. After that, people seemed to decide the party was over, which Brittany and Santana were grateful for. It had been a long day which had started early for them both, so even though it was just past two o'clock, they were ready for a nap too.

Their parents were the last to leave, kissing both boys, who were still valiantly fighting sleep, hugging Brittany and Santana and promising to come by the next day.

When the house was empty, Santana took Jesús upstairs to wash his face and hands and change out of his birthday clothes. While the jeans and suspenders that he was wearing were absolutely adorable, she couldn't let him fall asleep in them. Not when she as an adult found them so uncomfortable to sleep in. Plus, she was sure he needed a diaper change.

She took him into his room and laid him on the changing table. As she usually did before changing their diapers, she rubbed his tummy for a few minutes and stretched his legs, pulling and then pushing them against his stomach. Jesús giggled. Santana had started doing this after a few incidences of the boys either messing up the new diaper she had just put on, or pooping as she was changing it. Getting poop on her hands three times was enough for her.

When she was done with the stretching, she took a wipe and ran it across the base of Jesús' stomach. Five times back and forth, and Jesús' lips were forming a tiny 'o'.

"Aha!" Santana grinned, lifting the wipe. "Gotta boy."

Sometimes Jesús and Kyler would look at her and Santana felt like they understood her. Like right now as Jesús looked up at her with a half-smile, his fingers finding their way into his mouth, she swore he knew she'd just outsmarted him. It was almost like he was saying 'yeah okay. You got me this time.'

All of a sudden Santana felt tears spring to her eyes. She picked Jesús up and cradled him to her chest, trying to take deep breaths as the tears rolled down her cheeks.

"I'm not sad." She told the baby, as if he was worried about that. "I just love you so much mijo."

Her life had changed a lot over the last few years. From becoming famous to finally marrying Brittany and then becoming a mother. It all had happened so fast, and sometimes Santana couldn't even believe this was her life. Three and a half years ago she was living in New York, and that had all still felt too good to be true. She had Brittany back, was in the city of her dreams and working a job that while maybe not the glamorous life she'd envisioned as a teenager, she still really loved. She'd been lucky, Santana knew that. Given how awful she was for most of her childhood, she knew it would have been fair for the universe to dish out some karma. That was what sixteen year old her thought when Brittany was dating Artie, or eighteen year old her when she had to break up with Brittany. But ever since, she'd gotten everything she'd ever hoped for. Babies so perfect she couldn't have even dreamed them. And Brittany.

By all accounts she didn't deserve the kind of happiness she had. She didn't deserve Brittany. But she was going to try like hell to become someone who did.